Hi all, I'm sure there's tons of posts like this but tbh I have been a devout Catholic my whole life and I've never met someone who feels the same way I do. I love God and my religion but I have never found a church or a community I belong, and not for lack of trying. Feeling unbelonging deters me from the faith more than anything else, and at this point in my life, I have genuinely begun to lose my interest in being Catholic due to feeling zero connection with virtually every Catholic I meet. Honestly feeling unsure about even writing this...reaching out to a massive database of Catholics after admitting I dont like them? Not a great start, to be sure...but here goes:
Some context, I am 24, born and raised Catholic. My dad is a protestant convert and my mom rejoined the faith after her parents left (she was initiated in the faith but didn't really practice until adulthood), and so I come from an immediate family that is devout but no extended family. I have two older siblings, including myself, who were all raised religious and practiced up until adulthood. Me, especially so. I became so devout because of my parents' love of theology, and they led RCIA at our parish, so our home was a treasure trove of resources. By the time I was in high school, I knew the Catholic faith like the back of my hand. I was really into theology and philosophy, in my teens I understood the faith far better than most lay Catholic might ever learn in their lives, and not just verbatim rules, but the spirit of why we believe the things we believe. I went to Catholic school and my teachers always said they were blown away by my deep interest and understanding of the faith. As a teen, I found a group of church friends and became heartbroken as through the years, they all left, but I stayed friends with most of them and I discovered I actually had a really good skill for talking about Catholicism to people who do not like it. To this day, most secular people will say "Wow, I've never liked Christianity, but you've somehow explained it in a way that not only makes sense, but makes me want to hear more" and I can get lost for hours talking about it (if you want to know my secret, I avoid legalistic jargon and focus on my own experiences, and try and be open minded and have compassion about differen topics). So. If I'm such a great Apologist and the golden child of cradle Catholicism, with a Catholic family and plenty of religious childhood friends [sarcasm], how is it that I'm here, writing this post?
In some ways I know, in others I'm completely unsure. This is not my first time publicly expressing my thoughts to other Catholics, and I've heard it all. I've been urged to attend churches with more youth, join bible studies, join a student outreach like Focus or SPO, pray for it and bring my thoughts to God. Trust me when I say, I've done it all. I thought first, since I am from Kansas, that it was maybe the culture, but yeah, after living in Houston, Detroit, and Mexico and joining every single darn bible study in North America, I can safely say its not for me. I have joined two student outreaches, I went to three Catholic summer camps, I put in over 300 hours among different Catholic volunteer groups, I went to daily mass and Sunday mass offered in every church within a 15 mile radius of me in every city I lived in, I did spiritual discernment for several years, I went to a dangerous amount of Purity-based youth groups that left me with nothing but shame for myself (my only regret). I joined a convent (I will disclaim I did find the sisters to be extremely likable, but I wasn't particularly drawn to the communal lifestyle, so I went to college and started dating instead, and I liked that a lot more), I have done every thing that anyone has every suggested, backed with relentless, desperate praying that eventually I would find my people, and after 24 years of driving myself insane with it, I can finally confess: Other Catholics turn me off completely. After living the majority of my life in Midwest America, it does seem to me that a lot of Catholics are overly political and I have met far too many that lack empathy towards other people's ways of living, are disdainful of non-Catholics in a way that doesn't seem to make sense considering the fact that God did make 8 billion other people with lives, thought processes, and experiences so different to ours we can hardly fathom it, and He loves them all the same. But honestly, if that were all it was, I would have eventually come to the conclusion (and I did) that this is not a flaw unique to Catholics. This is a flaw of humankind, and because I grew up surrounded by Catholics, my experience gave me a correlation. So, it is not that Catholics are infuriating, its that human beings are infuriating. The vast majority of us have some sort of vice, and its our job to work through that and value the good that we all have as well.
When I realized this, I slowly came to the conclusion that while I have spent my whole life attaching to the Catholic Faith, that it's not just others pushing me away. Its myself, too. I love academia, and I love theology and philosophy but in terms of spiritualism, I am watering a dying plant. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of saying I get nothing out of 'Sitting with God' and being told it gets easier with time. 24 years of going to mass and it is still a battle to go, a fight that more often nowadays I am losing. 24 years of telling myself prayer is good for me and then lamenting at how slow the clock ticks. My older siblings have had the same experiences, and both of them have left the Church, and I feel not far behind. I used to tell myself that the best way to show God I loved Him was to use my free will to do good things in His name, to cultivate myself into a person of love and virtue, to love others adamantly. I have never doubted that God is Love and that He listens to me, but I lack purpose and desire to love Him back, the very statement doesn't even make sense to me. I feel nothing, as though He doesn't exist at all. I have heard of things like the dark night of the soul, and that other saints such as Mother Theresa experienced very little felt connection to Christ, but it doesn't provide much solace, as the issue remains that without any Catholics in my life (besides my parents who live 700 miles away), there is nothing keeping me accountable to go to Church or cultivate some sort of spiritual relationship with Christ other than fear of Hell, and after living a significant portion of my youth under fear of Hell, I refuse to let that be my sole motivator.
Right now, as I'm typing this, I can say that the closest of all my friends are all non-religious. My siblings are fallen away, my secular boyfriend of one year is wholeheartedly the most amazing person I have ever met and, to be frank, I have never felt more accepted and loved in my life than I do now. The more I tried to ingratiate with Catholic communities, the more I became depressed and anxious, and now that I have let go quite a bit, it feels like I am becoming myself again, that I have more interest in life, that I have more hope in my future. I feel like I never wanted to lose my faith, but at this point in my life I there is nothing drawing me back to the pew, where I have sat alone these last 4 years. Weirdly, I don't feel like I am lost from God. I know that He is always there, there is nothing that can keep Him from me, or keep Him from loving me. I trust Him, that all things will go accordingly to plan, and it makes me feel safe. My continuing belief in Apostolicity and His presence in the Eucharist reminds me that Protestantism isn't for me, and I don't have any plans to shift over. And yet, here I am, wondering where my place is in this 1 billion person religion that has yet to feel like home, where the very name -- Catholic, meaning universal -- ensures that I do indeed belong.
(If you've made it this far, thanks for giving me the time to explore some of these rambling thoughts. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but I appreciate the space to speak about it, if nothing else.)

Hey all,
I am a NYS teacher close to fulfilling my first teaching gig — I have been a HS ELA leave replacement for 1.5y. Two tenured teachers are returning next year — amidst a budget cut — so… I’m out. I have been spending much of my time on LPing/grading/whatever rather than practicing for interviews and… well.. that was a huge mistake. I’m coming to terms that, since I was picked up internally after my student teaching experience, I truly SUCK at interviews (I interviewed and demo’d for the leave, but I think there was… obvious bias). I do not doubt my teaching strengths, but I struggle to articulate what good work has been done in my classroom. Ironically, I am also anxious around adults (not kids), and I have not been performing up to my personal standard (and, with the outcomes in mind, I am not performing up to public school standards either). I fluffed two in-person interviews and was rejected from two screeners. It is nearing mid-June and my OLAS options are slim pickings… I have already applied to every position available. This has been a really discouraging process, as I consider my district as one with certain prestige, and my colleagues have been asserting that it would be maddening if a recruiter ignored that fact.
I transitioned to LinkedIn/Indeed and applied to some city charters. I have already received a few responses and interview requests; yet, I have some reservations. For example, I live outside of the city and I am apprehensive about the commute and traffic — especially because I would typically be released during rush hour (+later working hours. I already feel burnout with a 7-2). I also am worried about commuting to a scripted curriculum… it seems disingenuous to me.
Am I being annoyingly picky? I know I am a newer teacher. Any insights or advice? I am wondering if I should find a low-committal job and get my master’s instead….. (I have a bachelor’s and two initial certificates).
Also, does anyone know if charter contracts typically include an “at will basis” clause? I was wondering if I should attend my demos, secure a job, and keep looking on OLAS… Sorry, I’m new. TYSM!

Introduction
The short story you are about to read was created/inspired/based on a variety of sources related to or about Aniara. Aniara rock opera (Seventh Wonder) - The Great Escape, the Aniara wikipedia page, the Aniara film, poem etc. So if you read something and it sounds familiar, it's probably because it comes from or is based on, one of those sources. I have also tried to incorporate some of the thoughts and ideas expressed here on aniara, so some of you may see that reflected. I have not read everything that has to do with the Aniara universe, but I have found many of the resources listed on aniara very helpful in creating this short story. Thank you for those. I have also included a couple alternate endings.
Also, this story belongs to everyone, so everyone should feel free to to fill in the blanks, add to, subtract, or change any part of the story, in anyway they see fit.
I dedicate this short story to all the fans of Aniara, this story is for you and of course the late Harry Martinson.
Like many people who watched the film 'Aniara', I was mesmerized/traumatized by it. It really had a profound effect on me. So much so that I decided to write this fan fiction short story. I am not a writer. The short story that you are about to read is my (very) amateurish tribute to the film. I apologize in advance for all of the grammaspelling and other errors. Despite the (many) flaws of this short work, I hope that you can see what I was attempting to do. Anyway without further or do, I present to you:
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The Lost Voices of Aniara: A Space Saga
WE CROWN THE SKIES WITH OUR TIARA, THE LIFE AND FATE OF ANIARA
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Note: The following represents the most complete (so far) chronicle of events that happened onboard the Aniara.
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Year 18 - Song of Melancholy - My name is Benjamin Jenkins, but everyone calls me "Benny", I am proud to announce that I am the new "Captain" of the mighty space "cruise ship" Aniara. Of course, my title could just as easily be the Admiral of Mars or the Conquer of the Universe, or some other ridiculous sounding grandiose title. Sometimes you must laugh in the face of despair otherwise you will go insane. It's all just for fun of course. I was given the title "Captain" by the crew because I was able to restore the communications transmitter. At least I think I was able to retore it? The lights show green for transmitting, so yeah I bet it works, and besides, all of this is being recorded for posterity and it will be placed in a time/memorial capsule. After that the capsule will be sent in the (general) direction of Mars/Home, where hopefully someone finds it. I'm also the Senior Maintenance Tech in charge of repairing/prolonging various ship systems, etc. There are now only a few remaining livable areas of the ship so it's not as much work as one might imagine. And to think 18 years ago, I was just an ordinary passenger, how far through the ranks I've come! As the "Captain" I will now recount the entire history of the Aniara, the various events, the everyday happenings, from the awe inspiring and amazing, to the boring and mundane, great triumphs and crushing defeats, all the feelings of happiness and joy that come with new life and all of the sorrows and despair that come from (too) many deaths and (too) many hardships. All of our great accomplishments, setbacks and everything in between will be laid bare before the entire universe to witness. Our love, our hate, our dreams, our wants and desires, disappointments, anger and fear but above all our HOPE. Our precious HOPE, the only thing we have left, which has kept us alive for so long. Our HOPE that this message will be received, that someone, somewhere will know our story and our struggle, our HOPE that Mars will be successfully terraformed into the paradise that we all know it can be and our HOPE that Earth will be restored to the paradise that it once was. It's all here, it's all being recorded for the future. I will start our saga from the very beginning of our trip all those years ago...
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Hour 1 - Routine Voyage - Well, this is it! Soon I and many others will make a new home on Mars... of course if we hadn't ruined the first one...
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Week 3 - Without a Map/A Slight Detour - Today the Captain made an announcement that there would be a slight detour in our trip. In order to avoid a collision with space debris, (which would have destroyed the ship) we had to veer off course. Some of the debris hit the nuclear reactor (a very rare event), which forced the crew to eject all of the ship's fuel. The Captain told everyone that we will be able to resume our trip to Mars once the ship passes a celestial body, which should (probably) happen in about two years. Everyone is (understandably) disgruntled by this unfortunate news. As for me I have no one waiting for me on Mars so it's not as bad.
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Year 2 - Wait and See - After several long months of trying out all of the various amusements and other distractions, I was starting to get bored, so I spoke with one of the senior crew members and asked if I could volunteer to do something, anything. Also a job would help keep my mind off our current situation.
Today, my request to work was approved and now I'm part of the crew. My job is to do general maintenance tasks around the ship. I also help take care of the algae, which are used to supply the ship with oxygen and food. It's not a very challenging task, in fact I find it very tedious, but the algae are crucial for the ship's survival, so it gives me a sense of purpose and on top of that I also earn extra points.
Eventually, because of my (part time) job in maintenance, I would come to know every nook and cranny of the Aniara. On one particular day I noticed a slight problem (Electrostatic Diffusion Impaction or EDI) with the ship's air filtration mechanism. I was quick to inform my supervisor about the issue and together we fixed it immediately. If I hadn't spotted the problem, it could have gotten much worse and that would have been catastrophic for the crew and passengers. Afterwards my supervisor bought me a shot of (rationed) Dutch brandy. Other than that, nothing of note has really happened. Everyone is basically in a holding pattern.
One last thing. I've heard a disturbing rumor that there is no celestial body for us to turn around at... If this is true then, that would mean... But for now all we can do now is wait and see...
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Year 3 - The Yurg/The Passing of Mima - A memorial was set up to honor the end of Mima. So much joy had she given us. On the wall among the thousands of drawings, pictures, and sad goodbye letters was a poem that went like this:
We sit and stare at all the marvels that she brings us.
Mima lead the way.
Shine your light!
Be the beacon of hope at night.
Perfect grace in the barren house of space.
Shine your light!
Blind us when reality bites.
We so need the magic she does.
Many rumors are going around about what happened to Mima. People say that the Mimarobe (MR) was the one that ended up causing Mima to die. As for me, personally, I don't believe it. The Mimarobe just didn't seem like the type. A few times after I got off from work, when I walked to the end of the long line of people waiting to see Mima, the Mimarobe would come out and say "Ok, everyone that's it that's enough for today, you have to leave now, sorry." My own personal opinion is that she was just trying to give Mima a break, so even though I was of course disappointed, I completely understood. Sometimes we all just need a break. Sometimes things just get to you and you start to feel overwhelmed. I understood the feeling. Mima was like us in that way. Anyway, Rightly or wrongly the Mimarobe was locked up in the ships brig, her and another woman, I think she was one of the pilots, Isabella\, I think was her name but I might be wrong. Oh well, our lives must go on, much sadder of course, but that's life, I guess. ****Isagel, the pilots name was Isagel, her and the Mimarobe would later become a couple.
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Year 4 - The Cults - Strange things have started happening. Various cults have sprung up all over the ship with bizarre and strange names. One of these (that I am a member of) is called the ゴールデンサンライト・フォーエバー・クラブ - Gōrudensanraito Fōeba Kurabu - which roughly means the Golden Sunlight Forever Club. Some of these phony cults are/were created as a disguise to have outrageous sex orgies. The cult that I am part of is one of these. (HELL YEAH!). The other cults are very boring, stare out the window and worship the stars or something like that, types. (Glad I'm not a member of those!).
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Year 5 - The Calculation - A few weeks ago I met someone special (Carmen) at one of the "worship" services. I've seen her before a few times, but this is the first time that we "connected" and it was amazing. I'm glad that she accepts my physical imperfections (burns scars). Now we are a couple and have left the cult.
Fantastic news! The Captain has announced that an Emergency Refuel Rescue Probe is on its way! The news of the rescue probe has had an electrifying effect on the crew and passengers. Everyone is so excited that no one even cares that we will have to wait just over a year for it to get to us. People are starting to clean and pick up trash again, and the sex clubs and other cults are starting to go away (in anticipation of a return to proper civilization). Now we have hope again! Thank GOD!
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Year 6 - The Spear - The rescue probe is almost here. (Only one week away!) I also have even more great news! My girlfriend fiancée is pregnant!, now I will be a Father just like I always wanted! I have spoken to Captain Chefone and he has agreed that he will marry us on the day that the Aniara turns around and heads (finally) back to Mars/our new HOME! Even though it will take us several more years to get back, it will have been worth it to me. I am grateful for the "slight detour" we had to endure, because it allowed me to meet the love of my life! Now with our precious child on the way, I am truly happy. PURE JOY - beyond all words...
Something is wrong... After an entire year of training and preparation, the crew has successfully grappled the refuel probe and brought it on board. Everyone expected that within a few days, (a week at most) that we would turn around, but it's been three weeks and nothing. Every day the passengers ask the crew what's going on? When will we turn around? and every day we get the same answer: "Soon, everything is going according to plan, just be patient." People are starting to doubt and lose hope. I even walked right up to Captain Chefone but he knew what I was going to ask and he brushed me aside very angrily saying "Not now, I'm busy!". Now I don't know what to think. One minute I have a future and the next nothing. How can this be? I don't understand! WHY?
Catastrophe! After work I went straight to my quarters to sleep, it had been an exhausting day. Just after I fell asleep, I was awakened by a rumbling. Then, over the speaker came the announcement: Return immediately to your cabins and fasten your seat belts! Since I was already in bed, and had no idea what was going on, I quickly fastened my belt. When it was all over [missing] passengers and crew left. I was told that it happened because of something called "bow shock", which [missing] kind of like a shock wave. The bow shock had badly damaged many systems. [missing] so now I've been "promoted" to Senior Maintenance Tech. Repairs must [missing] don't have any more spare parts for [missing] so many are dead...
Today the Mimarobe completed her beam-screen project. So now when you look outside you can see beautiful waterfalls and green fields etc. I try not to look at it too much. For me its just too painful...
Year 7 - The Fall of Heaven - Today marks the one year anniversary of the arrival of the so-called "Emergency Refuel Rescue Probe". What a very official and grand sounding name for a giant stupid looking dart or as some call it "The Spear". I've even heard some people refer to it as the "Devil's Javelin", but whatever you call it, it's of no use to us. The Astronomer had once told me before she died "supposedly" from a heart attack, (rumors say she was murdered by the captain, I don't doubt it) that all the work and tests they had done on the probe were useless and that even the hardest drills were simply ground into dust without even making so much as a scratch on the probe. Despite a literal barrage of tests and every possible experiment known, even using our most advanced lasers, they had achieved NOTHING! That was the moment I realized that we would never make it home. I even visted "The Spear" once, it was years after all the experiments had ended. There was a time when the area was heavily guarded by the crew and only authorized personnel were allowed in. Of course when I went to see it nobody was around, nobody cared, everyone had given up on it long ago. I saw all of the black marks from what must have been hundreds, if not thousands of desperate attempts to get inside it, or just to figure out what the damn thing was supposed to be. On the floor all around it were small heaps of black and silver metalic dust, remnants of our strongest and hardest drills, remnants of our hope. Our best and brightest couldn't even figure out what it was made of, let alone figure out how to use it to take us home.
I beat my hands against it over and over and I cried out my pain and anger at it. "You were supposed to save us!" "You were supposed to take us home!" You Damn! stupid thing, help us! save us!" But of course it was all useless my cries went unanswered, all I did was injure my hands and hurt my soul, assuming I even have one. After that I (I'm ashamed to admit it)... in complete and total desperation... I got down on my hands and knees in front of it and begged it to save us. "Oh, great magic spear, please save us and I will do anything, anything..."
After I had exhausted and humiliated myself I got up and went back to my quarters broken and alone. All hope was lost before my visit with "the spear" and afterwords it didn't even exist, not even as a word, as though there had never even been such a thing or concept as "hope".
I had been struck by the spear, just like everyone else, head on. My now ex-fiancée and I have split up. Things just weren't the same after the procedure. I don't blame her at all for our break-up, after talking about it, we agreed that if there was now no chance for us to make it home then... what was the point? I went with her when she had the procedure done. But before we went I secretly met with the doctor who would perform the operation and told her what I wanted done after. She told me that I was sick... that it was "disgusting", and what did I plan on doing with "it". I told her that it shouldn't matter, none of this matters, then I pulled out an EFR (emergency food ration). EFRs could remain edible for an indefinite period of time. (In theory they could last for hundreds of years.) Here I said, "one now and one when I get what I want". The doctor was stunned, I knew what she was going to say and I interrupted her and said,"Unlike everyone else I saved my emergency rations." "I only have the two left (I was lying) so don't try to extort me for more." After years of eating only algae, EFRs were (almost) more valuable than oxygen. Of course the doctor agreed and I got what I wanted. It might sound crazy but I had a plan. Fate had taken my family away, but I was prepared to defy even the gods themselves. I was determined that I would have my FAMILY! No matter what! Nothing and no one, no force of nature, no power in all the universe would take that from me. NO! NEVER!
I asked me a question, no reply.
I dreamt me a life and live a lie.
Dream me a nightmare...
I traveled the stars but passed them by.
For trapped on Aniara, here was I.
...always been leaving.
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Year 8 - [missing]
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Year 9 - The Daily Grind - I have now returned to reality. I have stopped all of the sick and sad mind games that I have being torturing myself with. I once created a "plan" to do the impossible, but no more, no more. Everyday now seems like an endless pointless, struggle. Sometimes [missing] and hours. Some of my co-workers stopped [missing] for now that's all any of us can do...
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Year 10 - The Jubilee - Tonight at the Light-Year Hall, those of us that are still left are going to "celebrate" the 10th anniversary of our 3 week voyage to Mars or as I like to call it the "never ending space adventure" Ha!
Captain Chefone gave the Mimarobe a medal for her creation of the beam-screen device. I sat in the front row and couldn't help but notice that one of the Captains wrists was bandaged, probably from another suicide attempt...
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Year 11 - Hope Restored - My ex-fiancée is dead. She commited suicide like so many others before. I was hard at work trying to revive the algae (they had been neglected for some time) when my assistant rushed in and told me the news. "They were about to send her body into space, you have to hurry if you want to see her". I immediately and literally dropped everything I was doing. The algae pack I had been working on fell and splashed on the floor as I ran out the door as fast as I could. As luck would have it, I made it just in time to see her, and I even had time to cut a lock of her hair. I then kissed her one last time and said "Goodbye my love... but, goodbye is not forever."
Then that was it, off she went into the empty, endless, void. She was gone I told myself, but not dead. I squeezed the lock of hair in my hand and vowed that I would bring her back to life, somehow, someway, I would make things right, we would live the life we were supposed to have. I would make it happen. It would happen. Suddenly, I felt a force deep inside me rushing to the surface. It had been years but I knew what it was, It had returned to me, a feeling of exuberation, of joy and the certainty of knowing that everything would be okay. I now resurrected my "plan" and now I had a reason to live again, I had a purpose, and now I had......HOPE! And this time I was determined that I would never lose hope again. NEVER!
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Year 12 - Return of the Cults - Some of the old cults have started making a come back... However this time they are no longer sex/fun cults, because after so many years of eating just algae, almost everyone has lost their sex drive/ability to reproduce... I think because the type algae on board was genetically modified to produce the maximum amount of oxygen possible, so it was never intended to be used as a permanent main source of nutrition. If we had access to more than just the one type, things might be different...
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Year 13 - Foward, Foward into the cold empty night! We ride! - Captain Chefone is dead. Suicide. I knew he had been on the brink the past few years so it's not much of a surprise. I would often hear him say to himself "We should have been home by now." Of course he was right, we should have, but instead here we are stuck on this eternal "voyage of the damned".
A week after Captain Chefone died, I found myself walking by his quarters. I had the sudden impulse to go inside. I don't know what it was (probably just morbid curiosity), but I think I just wanted to find some answers...
I was surprised to find that his quarters were just as much of a mess as mine. (And everyone else's.) I think because he was the Captain, I expected a lot more. (He was only human.) After looking around the room, I went over to his desk and inside I found the Aniara's Offical Ships Log, but the electronic notepad was damaged beyond repair (on purpose). However, underneath it was a small paper notebook. "Ah, I said out loud, now this should be interesting." When I opened the notebook I was immediately disappointed. Most of the pages were torn out and those few that remained had been harshly scribbled over.
On one of the few pages not missing or completely marked over was written this: Today, we almost lost the entire ship, were it not for my quick and decisive actions as Captain. [illegible] an incredibly rare occurrence [illegible] critically damaged our main nuclear reactor. [illegible] only seconds [illegible] forcing me to [illegible] off course [illegible] have power for some time. This evening I will break the news to the passengers in such a way that will cause the least amount of panic and at the same time not destroy their hope. If they knew the real situation, it would only cause unnecessary chaos. In this way, I will maintain order and keep the passengers safe. Fear and [illegible] as Captain of Aniara [illegible] that is now my primary job. [illegible] now like a Shepherd Father and the passengers my sheep children. In many ways we are very lucky, [illegible] this trip, Aniara's sister ship crashed into Jupiter heading towards the Orion belt colony. Everyone on onboard was killed.
On another page was written this: The rescue refuel probe is here. [illegible] turned out to be [illegible] not what I expected. I have [illegible] for clarification, [illegible] Mars [illegible] -----cation. Testing will continue. I still remain confident that [illegible] the project called "[illegible] ---elin" can still be used in someway to turn the ship around and resume course.
The last two pages were so scribbled over that I could barely make out any words let alone a full sentence. I did however, notice what looked like the word "Devil" written over and over. Very strange. I left the Captain's quarters with more questions than answers...
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Year 14 - [missing]
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Year 15 - The Light Show Ends - Today the projection device created by MR, (Everyone still calls her the 'Mimarobe' as a sign of respect.) had to be shut down to conserve power. The Mimarobe often expressed to me her regret at not being more forceful with Captain Chefone in explaining the problem with Mima. She told me that if she could back in time she would say to the Captain:
"Just imagine what it will be like if Mima isn't here... do you understand how hellish the situation will become? My life is dedicated to this program and I'M TELLING YOU, IT WILL BURN OUT AND DIE! Imagine if people can temporarily go back to earth by turning on a light switch, now imagine if the bulb blows up, and there's no replacement..." "I know how important Mima is and you don't get it!"
The beam-screen seemed like a great idea at the time to keep everyone's spirits up, but in many ways it may have done more harm than good. People lost their minds staring all the time at something they knew they would never have...
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Year 16 - [missing]
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Year 17 - [missing]
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Year 18 - The Time/Memorial Capsule - The Mimarobe was the one that came up with the idea for a time/memorial capsule. She (like all of us) has suffered greatly, but from time to time she would show a small spark of her old self. The idea, while slow to catch on, would eventually give those of us still left a renewed sense of purpose. (People now had a reason to get out of bed.) But, it was I who would take the idea and transform it into something greater. Our first attempt at creating the capsule was successful (it was little more than a metal box) but at the same time, as the Mimarobe pointed out it looked too much like a large coffin. I agreed. We could do better. We had to do better. But we had to be careful [missing] effecting power systems. I asked the Mimarobe if she could sketch a better design. After two days the Mimarobe presented me with a new design, it was beautiful, but simple, yet elegant. Above the sketch was were the words, "Heart of Aniara." The name was perfect. We would fill the "Heart of Aniara", with our art and our poetry, with our hopes, dreams and wedding rings. We would pour into it our stories, our struggles, our trials and tribulations, we would fill it with the tear drops from our very souls.
The "Heart of Aniara" is almost complete. It has taken an entire [missing] solid effort to build and everyone took turns polishing it, so now it shines like the golden sun. We also wrote [missing] and painted two large red hearts on the sides. It [missing] long and on the inside are different [missing] created using metal partitions. [missing] was instrumental in its consruction...
​
Year 19 - A Slight Delay - Disaster! Several Power systems, including all emergency back up systems across the ship have begun failing for some unknown reason. [missing] working around the clock to figure out what is wrong... I don't know how much longer we can hold on...
We finally found the [missing] will work for the time being, but [missing] restored power [missing] will do for now...
​
Year 20 - The Heart of Aniara - At last the time has come for our send off. Everything is ready. As the "Captain" of Aniara it is my great honor to commision this new vessel "Heart of Aniara". Behind me I heard someone whisper "vessel?". I continued, "It is my firm belief that the "Heart of Aniara" will make it back home to Mars and everyone will know our stories..."
A moment before send off, I told everyone to wait. Theres one more thing left. I then slid open a hatch on the side and told everyone that I hated to do this to them, but I was going to Mars with my family. The Mimarobe approached me with a half smile on her face and said in a very serious tone "Good Luck, Captain Benny", "tell everyone on Mars hi for us and that we wish we were there." I smiled and promised that I would. Then to my suprise all the others came up to me, with some shaking my hand and congratulating me, asking me to say hi to their family and friends as well. I then ducked down into the newly christened "Heart of Aniara." Then the hatch was sealed. A small rechargable electric candle that I brought with me, provided the only light. Knowing that we would be leaving in a moment I opened a small box, took Carmen (lock of ex-fiancée's hair) and Sarah Ann (small jar with dead fetus) and held them together in my left hand against my chest. I could feel my heart beating with a mixture of fear and excitement. I took out a small children's book with my right hand and began reading it from the beginning. It was my daughter's favorite. It was called "The Duck and the Noodle." "Daddy are we there yet?" I laughed as tears ran down my face and said "Yes, my little princess noodle were almost there."
The Memorial Capsule lauched into space with a loud whoosh...
(Mimarobe, MR) - When everyone had just got through waving goodbye and were getting ready to leave, the view screen turned on and with it a pre-recorded message from Captain Benny. "To celebrate this great day, I have arranged for you a "Grand Feast", then he paused. A few people exchanged questioning looks. Then the Captain spoke again. "You see", he said with a smile, "Unlike all of you, I saved my emergency rations. You will find them hidden inside the mattress in my quarters, enjoy!" "Also, you will find two bottles of wine, yes! real wine!" Before the video even finished several people had started shuffling as fast as the could to Captain Benny's quarters. The Captain wasn't lying, it appeared that he had indeed saved almost all of his emergency rations for some special occasion(s).
What a feast it was! To make it fair for everyone we took all of the rations and put them together to create a kind of giant stew. Each of us not only savored each precious spoonful, we cherished it as though it was a long lost loved one. It is not an exaggeration to say that each bite was chewed one hundred times or more and then held in the mouth for ten minutes or longer, swishing the pulpy liquid around and around. I even saw one person spit the food back into their bowl and then put it back into their mouth, over and over again. That seemed a little bit unusual to me, but everyone should enjoy their last real meal the way they want. As for the wine their was enough for everyone to have a shot glass filled to the brim. We talked about the "Great Feast" for months afterword...
​
Year 21 - [missing]
​
Year 22 - The Living Dead - (Mimarobe, MR) We've had to abandon almost the entire ship to conserve power, but basically were still good alive... I still dream about Isagel and our son from time to time...
​
Year 23 - [missing]
​
Year 24 - The Sarcophagus - A few remaining survivors, including the Mimarobe, sit cross-legged in a dimly lit room. One of the few survivors speaks in a rhapsodic manner about the divine power of sunlight on Earth.
The Aniara slowly descends into final darkness...
​
Note: Years 25 through 5,981,406 are missing.
​
Year 5,981,407 - Lyra Constellation - The Aniara, derelict, frozen and devoid of human life - reaches the Lyra constellation and approaches a planet as verdant and welcoming as Earth was formerly. It quickly passes by continuing on into the endless void of space...
​
Date Unknown - The Warm Embrace - Ages come, Ages gone, Aniara soon embraced, engulfed by warmth and shine, newest born crimson light, Aniara far from home, aflame, not even ashes remain.
​
Epilogue: Year 100 - The Triumph of Hope - Despite the faliure of many valiant rescue attempts, including all attempts at communication, we remain confident that those onboard the Aniara knew that they were not forgotten. It is difficult to imagine (the speaker momentarily shuttered), the impossible challenges they endured. The story of their lives will remain in the collective hearts of humanity for all time. It is our hope that we will do right by them, now and in the future. We vow to never repeat the mistakes of the past... and that is why today, on the one hundredth anniversary since the Aniara was lost, we reach across time and space to bring their souls back home, home to this sacred place... We hereby consecrate this new park as the "Aniara Memorial Park and Museum Complex." As you walk through these doors, one of the first things you will notice is the "Heart of Aniara" on display. Along the walls are the names and pictures of the passengers and crew, their artwork, poetry, and most importantly, the stories of their lives, their hopes, dreams and wedding rings...
Aniara Memorial Plaque: We ourselves are the sorrow, we are also the joy, everything human is rooted in humanity, and no human being can escape humanity, not her hatred and her self-degradation, nor the joy she spreads, nor the love she forms.
​
Date [redacted] - Project "Devil's Javelin" - Status report #[redacted] - As of today's date we are aware of a total of four "spear-like objects" [redacted] and has contextualized that there are many more as yet discovered. Because of [redacted] we now know they are made of [redacted] and probably come from [redacted] the first was found on Earth 86 years ago, at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. The second one was discovered by the crew of the Aniara [redacted] years ago. The third was found here on Mars, near [redacted] and moved to its present secure location. The fourth and newest one was found when [redacted] the far side of the Moon. [redacted] buried inside the [redacted] impact crater. We have yet to discover the purpose of these "spear-like objects."
After [redacted] to prevent another type of incident. [redacted] have been able to gain access to the inside of the one here on Mars. [redacted] only after [redacted] and the entire team. [redacted] using the most advanced technology and research methods. Dr. [redacted] found [redacted] which is impossible and should not exist. However, we must now come to grips with the horror that this new revelation about humanity has [redacted] general public must never find out...
THE END?
​
Alternate ending 1
Year 5,981,407 - The Sarcophagus World Destroyer - As the ship Aniara descended towards the lush and green planet, the crew rejoiced. Or at least they would have if they hadn't all been dead. After thousands of millennia wandering through space, they had found a planet that was almost identical to Earth.
The planet's gravity was very strong, and the ship had become trapped in the planet's gravitational pull and started hurtling towards the surface.
The Aniara crashed into the planet with a deafening roar, causing massive destruction and sending out shockwaves that rippled across the surface.
As the dust settled, it became clear that the landing had been catastrophic. Plant and animal life had been completely obliterated, and the once green planet was now a barren wasteland. Soon not a single living thing was left to witness the horror and the devastation that had been caused.
Another beautiful, thriving, planet, a blue and green jewel, once teeming with life has been turned into a lifeless barren wasteland...
​
Alternate ending 2
Year 5,981,407 - The Second Chance Sarcophagus - As the ship Aniara descended towards the lush and green planet, the crew rejoiced. Or at least they would have if they hadn't all been dead. After thousands of millennia wandering through space, they had found a planet that was almost identical to Earth.
The planet's gravity was very strong, and the ship had become trapped in the planet's gravitational pull and started hurtling towards the surface.
One one-trillionth of a second after the Aniara crashed into the planet the mysterious spear-like probe on board finally awakened. A God-Like Power. In that one one-trillionth of a second the Aniara was scanned by the powerful probe and the events and lives of the crew had become known to it. At the same time, both the ship and the planet were saved by a force field of immense power. The ship was now resting safely on the surface of the lush, green planet. The probe had determined that the primitive life forms on board were worthy of a second chance at life and it was able to resurrect the entire crew and all the passengers from microscopic DNA that had been left. The Aniara was perfectly restored and even the Mima had been brought back. The crew and passengers awoke to find themselves in a veritable Garden of Eden, a paradise. Maybe this time things would go better and the mistakes from the past would not be repeated...
​
​
​
​
​

Forgive me, I know this is a stupid question. I'm a UK citizen that did my degree in the U.S and currently looking for jobs in London and/or remote. I'm just finding the job hunt strangely difficult and I feel like I'm missing something.
Currently, I have been searching on Google and LinkedIn. I've used platforms like Indeed in the past but was tired of their spam so I quit. I'm finding so many jobs through recruitment agencies but those ones always lead to nothing or recruitment companies that post jobs from other recruitment companies. I have found a couple of graduate schemes but again-I'm really struggling. It seems the market here is vastly different from the one in the US.

A RE/MAX real-estate agent from a neighboring town is selling a house in my neighborhood. She apparently put some Open House sign at the entrance to our neighborhood but the sign disappeared so she called the town PD to report it stolen. PD decides that since this all went down "next to my property" that I must know something, which I won't lie is actually reasonable, but everything that came after wasn't:

• Dude blows up my personal and work lines with repeat phone calls, voicemails, and texts. I have no idea how they know these numbers
  
• He does the same to my ex who hasn't lived here for a year - also unsure how they have her info
  
• Drives to my house and pounds (not knocks) on the front door and peeps in the windows for about 15 minutes straight
  
• Interrogates my neighbors and also my mother when she stopped by
  
• Leaves business card at the door then camps at the end of my driveway for 2.5 hours
  
• Following morning shows back up at 7am
  
• Blows up my phone again
  
• Pounds on front door, side door, walks around all sides of the house peeping in windows then pounding on back door too
  
• Tries hiding around the corner which made me laugh because it was so obvious he hadn't actually left
  
• I finally call down and ask his supervisor what's up with his guy. He sounds legit perplexed that I don't "just go out and talk" to the armed man who's spent 16 of the last 48 hours trying his best to terrorize me over a ~$100 sign that I have no knowledge of (outside the many texts and voicemails), and ended the conversation with "... you know you don't have to talk to him, right?" like no shit, that's literally what I did and look what happened; if I did this to anyone I'd be lucky to not be shot, but yeah I'm clearly the psycho here.
  

Best part: Not only is the property in question indeed mine, the city itself has laws that would have made the sign 'illegal' no matter what - he didn't care! These pigs go full CIA to 'just talk to me', can't fucking read a GIS map or ask basic probing questions, then go out of their way to escalate a situation that could have been avoided, all while whining about how dangerous their "jobs" are! So message received: Fuck tax-paying homeowners who mind their own business because some random business from another town came here, broke a bunch of laws, then made shit up. Fuck realtors and fuck the police.

Hi, 29F. ishare ko lang ang kasiyahan ko sa buhay.
Earlier this year, after ng birthday namin ng LIP ko, nawalan ako ng work at namatayan ng aso. Down na down ako pero araw araw sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na pag nagkawork ako, aalagaan ko ng husto ang magiging aso namin. After more than a month ng pagjojob hunting, pinalad akong mahire ng wfh, tapos nagtry mag sideline sa onlinejobs kahit ang sahod 5k/month bilang social media manager, tapos nagdagdag ulit ng iba pang works na tig 4k/month at 6k/month. 5 trabaho sabay sabay. Tyinaga ko lahat kahit full hours at ganyan lang ang offer. Yung pc ko inutang ko lang sa boss ng lip ko. Tig 24k na pc lng sa mga nagbebenta na shop online.
Then meron akong inapplyan na csr-voice na tig $7/hr pro di ako natanggap. Isang buwan kong pinanghinayangan yung company at lagi ko iniimagine na pano kung ganun ang maging sahod ko. Tapos isang araw, bigla nagmessage uli ung HR(American) na nagreject sakin, pinag apply ako sa web support na non voice nalang. Mas mababa ng bahagya pero okay pa rin. Sa Upwork ko pala nahanap yung job. At nakapasa naman ako. So ngayon biglang lumaki ang sahod ko sa dati kong work at nakabili ako ng pangarap kong aso, sausage dog. Complete vaccine na siya. ,😭
Ngayon, may 3 na akong work. Ung isa kong work, nag offer ng salary, naki negotiate ako na dagdagan ng 10k ang offer, kinapalan ko mukhan ko. Sabi ko pag pumayag, para sa akin talaga ito. CEO na mag asawa nag intwrview sakin, at pumayag naman with equipment pa na pinadala. Ung LIP ko tindero sa palengke, 12hrs ang work at 1 day off kada buwan. pero tinuruan ko ng work at pinagawa ko sa kanya ang isa kong work kaya ngayon wfh na din siya. Naabot ko na yung 6 figures sahod na lagi kong naririnig sa mga freelancers at minamanifest ko na magkaganun din ako. Stable companies ang tinatarget kong applyan, kasi sa freelance, madalas ang tanggalan at walang kasiguraduhan na client. Kaya yung mga inapplyan ko, sinisiguro ko ding mga stable at established na companies na, okay lang din kahit sa mga agency kayo mag apply kasi at least stable din.
Nagka credit card na ako, at nakabili ng pangarap kong phone. 🥺 Na never ko naimagine sa buong buhay ko na makakahawak ako.
Nagsimula ako sa pagiging waitress, csr, freelancer.
Lahat ng meron ako pinangarap ko lang, gabi gabi pinagdadasal at minamanifest.
Dito ako nakahanap ng clients: virtualstaff.ph , onlinejobs.ph, prosple, indeed at linkedin. Try nyo din pineapple staffing, jobstreet, careers at virtual staffing, coconut va at iba pang agencies.
mga tools na inaral ko: canva, indesign, illustrator, photoshop, trello, monday, asana, hubspot, meta, pano gumawa ng reels, story etc. lahat yan sa youtube ko lang natutunan. pati grammar, language, inaral ko din. tapos typing test, lagi din pinapractice.
Sumasali din ako sa mga groups sa fb, fhmoms, molongski, canvalancers, PGA, yan top recommend ko. silent reader lang ako, pg may di ako alam, nagkukusa akong magresearch imbes panay tanong sa group. Kasi freelancer ka, dapat independent, may initiative, nag iisip, kaya magfunction kahit mag isa. yun lagi mindset ko.
Araw araw ako nag apply, mga 50-100 siguro per day. Kahit nasa cr, pag walang ginagawa, puro apply lang imbes na fb at tiktok, tinigil ko muna. Sandamakmak na rejection emails ang natanggap ko, puro unfortunately, sorry etc. at napakadaming failed interviews hahahaha pero tuloy lang. Wala akong binili na mga courses, puro youtube lang. Graphic design, smm, at chat support ang una kong mga freelance work. Ngayon, medical credentialing, hr, at web support na ang work ko. related yan lahat sa mga work ko dati sa bpo. Educ ang tinapos ko.
Nagpapractice din ako sa interview kahit wala pa. Sa salamin o kaya nirerecord ko sarili ko. basa ng mga tips sa indeed ng mga interview questions. Inayos ko din resume ko, pati profile ko sa linkedin, upwork, indeed. gumawa na ako ng video at voice recording sa vocaroo kasi yun lagi hinihingi sa application. pag afam ang client, wag na magpaawa na kesyo need ko work dahil ganto ganyan, focus sa kaya mong ibigay sa company at skills na kaya mong icontribute. bakit ikaw ang dapat.
May isa akong friend na freelancer din na 6 figures ang salary, siya lang lagi ko kausap. Nadamay ako sa mindset nya na kayod ng kayod, siya para sa anak niya dahil single mom siya, ako para sa aso at magiging anak namin. Ayaw kasi namin mag anak na hindi kami ready kaya matanda na ako bago kami nakaisip magpamilya. Inalis ko mga friends kong laging nega sa akin, pati ibang family members. Maganda na may support tayo sa paghahanap natin ng work at laging motivated.
Wag niyo din biglain, at wag agad madisappoint kung hindi ka maka 6 digits, hindi laging ganun. pahirapan din un at hindi basta lang nakukuha. depende rin yan sa efforr at pasensya mo.
Also, wag pabayaan ang sarili. Wag habol ng habol sa pera, to the point na wala ka ng social life. kaya nga tayo nagfreelance bukod sa sahod eh para sa work life balance. Kanya kanya tayo diskarte, swerte, at sipag kaya wag mo icompare sarili mo sa iba.
ayun lang, goodluck sa mga freelancers at naway lahat tayo umangat. 💗

It's great that you're seeking advice and exploring your career options. First of all, it's important to remember that it's never too late to make a career change or pursue your passions. Many people change careers multiple times throughout their lives, and age shouldn't be a limiting factor.
Considering your desire to work in a field where you can have a direct impact on people's lives, like medicine or psychology, it's worth exploring those options further. While switching careers can be challenging, it's definitely achievable with careful planning and preparation.
Here are a few steps you can consider taking:

1. Self-assessment: Reflect on your interests, values, and skills. Determine what aspects of medicine or psychology appeal to you the most. This will help you identify potential paths within these fields that align with your interests and strengths.
2. Research: Dive deep into the professions you're interested in. Learn about the educational requirements, job prospects, and potential career paths within medicine and psychology. Look into different specializations and roles to get a better sense of what might be a good fit for you.
3. Education and Training: While you mentioned not having a college degree, it's important to note that there are various educational pathways to consider. Look into degree programs, certifications, and vocational training that can help you transition into your desired field. Consider the time commitment, financial implications, and potential support available (e.g., scholarships, grants, or part-time study options).
4. Networking and Mentorship: Connect with professionals already working in the fields you're interested in. Attend industry events, join relevant online communities, and reach out to people for informational interviews. Their insights and experiences can provide valuable guidance as you navigate your career change.
5. Gain Experience: Look for ways to gain hands-on experience in your desired field. This could involve volunteering, shadowing professionals, or working part-time in a related role. Practical experience will not only help you solidify your decision but also enhance your resume when you're ready to make the transition.
6. Financial Considerations: Assess your financial situation and plan accordingly. Changing careers might involve a temporary decrease in income or additional educational expenses. Make sure you have a realistic financial plan in place to support yourself during the transition.
7. Take It Step by Step: Changing careers can be a gradual process. You might start by exploring opportunities to gain exposure to your desired field while still maintaining your current job. This allows you to test the waters and ensure that the new career path is indeed the right fit for you.

Remember, pursuing a fulfilling career is a lifelong journey. It's okay to feel uncertain or overwhelmed at times, but taking small steps and staying persistent will help you move forward. Trust yourself and believe in your ability to make a positive change. Best of luck on your career exploration!
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I came across an opening for a 3-year commercial industrial HVAC mechanic apprenticeship for Lockheed Martin while looking at job postings in my area on Indeed earlier today. I've only ever touched residential systems, so I'd basically have to relearn the job from my understanding of it, but with the increase in hourly pay, the 4 day work week & the experience I'd get from doing it, I'm starting to really consider applying for it. Commercial & industrial techs on this subreddit, is it worth it for a completely green tech to take the plunge on an offer like this, or should I keep my eyes open & look elsewhere?
I'm also torn, because I've been with my current company for exactly three weeks & I really don't wanna screw over my boss since he's invested in me to work for him. I'm not exactly sure how I should even approach him on leaving so soon considering everything he's done for me so far. In my mind, taking on the paid apprenticeship for Lockheed would benefit me a hell of a lot more long-term with regards to getting experience & proper training. I don't know what I should do. What do you guys think?

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I'm starting to think they don't. I have been doing this for 5 years now and worked at 3 different companies, all of them have had mandatory overtime averaging 60-70 mandatory hours a week, sometimes more. Getting Saturdays off hasn't been guaranteed at any of them, and at the first one, I was lucky to even get Sunday off. Most of the time I didn't. For the first 3 years or so I was fine with this since I liked the all the OT money and I was eager to learn as much as I could as fast as possible, but now I'm getting tired of it and I just want to chill with a 40 hour week job with optional overtime. A couple months a year or so of mandatory OT is fine, but I'm getting tired of it being year-round. But when I check indeed basically every job posting has OT listed as a requirement. However, I've seen a lot of people here say they only work 40 hours and refuse to work OT at all. So where tf are you all working? France? Do these mythical 40 hour week jobs exist in the US? Can I get one with less than 50 years of experience?

"PSYCHIATRISTS LEAD THE WAY
For decades, it has been the job of those within the psychology field to introduce to the American Public the idea that those who believe in God are sick and must be "enlightened" or eliminated, and that "immorality" is the only path to the NEW AGE. And indeed it is. The several quotes below will drive home this well planned scenario.
BERTRAND RUSSELL, philosopher, educator and atheist: "I think the subject which will be of most importance politically is Mass Psychology. ...It's importance has been enormously increased by the growth of modern methods of propaganda ...Although this science will be diligently studied, it will be rigidly confined to the governing class (Elite). The populace will not be allowed to know how its convictions were generated."
One of the great Psychiatric Gurus of Mental Health speaks:
Dr. G. BROCK CHISHOLM, First head of the World Federation of Mental Health (another N.W.O. group.) "What basic psychological distortion can be found in every civilization of which we know anything? The only psychological force capable of producing these perversions is morality - the concept of right and wrong. The re-interpretation and eventual eradication of the concept of right and wrong are the belated objectives of nearly all of psychotherapy."
"The pretense is made that to do away with right and wrong would produce uncivilized people, immorality, lawlessness, and social chaos. The fact is that most psychiatrists and psychologists and other respected people have escaped from moral chains and are able to think freely." Taken from the updated book, NONE DARE CALL IT TREASON, by J.A. Stormer
Police Officers have been among the first to notice that such teachings have produced exactly the results he (the good Doctor) said they would not produce. He lied. There is no greater promoter of change than FEAR, and no greater creator of fear than chaos and lawlessness throughout a nation. The enemy of our system knows that immorality breeds chaos and lawlessness. Chaos and lawlessness breads fear in the people and when fearful enough the people will accept any solution. Guess what the solution is?
We agree with Dr. Chisholm, that most of these minions of "psychobabble" have truly "escaped" from any and all moral foundation in their lives. Anything their patients dream up is perfectly okay and encouraged by most such "professionals". This "there is no right or wrong" psycho-babble is what is being drilled into the heads of those American school children whose parents have unfortunately placed them in Government Indoctrination Centers which we erroneously call our "educational" system.
In case any officer reading this publication thinks that this change in the morals of our nation is accidental, he or she must read the book, "THE SOVIET ART OF BRAINWASHING - A Synthesis of the Russian Textbook on Psycho-politics", written by Kenneth Goff. In this book, Goff, a one time dues-paying member of the Communist Party, writes: "During my training I was trained in Psycho-politics. This was the art of capturing the minds of a nation through brainwashing and fake mental health."
Kenneth Goff paid a high price for his efforts to alert the American people. After attempting to inform America of Marxist-trained Psychologists being placed inside the U.S. to change the morals and beliefs of our nation, he mysteriously died from poisoning in 1943. His farewell in his book says: "This manual of the Communist Party should be in the hands of every loyal American, that they may be alerted to the fact that it is not always by armies and guns that a nation is conquered." In this book is found an address by Beria, the Head of the Lenin School of Psycho-politics. His 1933 address to a group of American/Marxist Psychology students is most revealing.
Speaking to this group who would be returning to ply their treachery in the U.S. he says:
"A psycho-politician must work hard to produce the maximum chaos in the fields of 'mental healing.' You must work until every teacher of psychology unknowingly or knowingly teaches only Communist doctrine under the guise of 'psychology.' You must labor until every doctor and psychiatrist is either a psycho-politician or an unwitting assistant to our aims. You must labor until we have dominion of the minds and bodies of every important person in your nation (America). You must work until suicide arising from mental imbalance is common and calls forth no general investigation or remark... You must dominate as respected men the fields of psychiatry and psychology. You must dominate the hospitals and universities... You can come and take your instructions as worshippers of Freud...
Psycho-politics is a solemn charge. With it you can erase our enemies as insects. You (psychologists) can change their (leaders) loyalties by psycho-politics. Given a short time with a psycho-politician you can alter forever the loyalty of a soldier in our hands or a statesman or a leader in his own country, or you can destroy his mind.
Use the courts, use the judges, use the Constitution of the country, use its medical societies and its laws to further our ends... By psycho-politics create chaos. Leave a nation leaderless. Kill our enemies. And bring to Earth, through Communism, the greatest peace man has ever known. Thank you."
(This is only part of Beria's speech to the visiting American psychology students.)
NOTE: Everything he asked these students to accomplish when they returned to practice their "art" in our nation has occurred. And now we can look forward to that "peace" he promised under the U.N. New World Order."
​
Operation Vampire Killer 2000

(I did post this in another BPD sub. If not allowed, please delete.)
My wife of 23years has BPD. She was diagnosed early in our marriage and worked very hard in therapy for around two years. A lot of what she was dealing with subsided. We didn’t discuss or address it much until this past year when after a very stressful few months that included moving to another state, change in jobs and the tragic loss of my mother, with whom my wife was very close too. We were both riddled with anxiety, ptsd and grieving. She chose to have an affair with a coworker. It was short lived but none the less absolutely devastating. Through our therapy it became very evident that her BPD was again in full swing. We are 6 months into reconciliation and the focus has been working on our individual selves. We both have IC’s and an MC. I have pushed her the last few months because I didn’t feel like she was working on her needs, but focused on me as I am suffering serious effects of grief and PTSD, and now PISD. As you can imagine she wants to avoid a lot of what she has going on because she doesn’t like to address anything that makes her feel bad. Everything she does has to make her feel good. Last week I discovered on our phone bill a lot of texts in a 5 day period to a number I didn’t know. At first when I asked her she told me it was a girl from her office named Erin that was new and she really liked. She showed me the texts and they were just back and forth banter about wine, comedians they liked, Tv shows etc. Good enough for me.
Late last week she went out of town for work and I noticed the phone bill again and saw over 300 texts to “Erin” in a 4 day period. (FYI, texting logs were how I found out about the affair back in November). I researched the number and found that it belonged to an guy named “Aaron”, not a girl named “Erin” and he indeed worked at my wife’s company. I completely came unraveled. I was filled with Anger and Rage. I called her out on it and she came clean admitting it was a guy from work. Then then tried to tell me he was gay, until I found his FB with his wife and young child. She admits that she lied to me because she knew I’d be mad and that there was nothing going on “like last time” (referring to the affair). The amount of texting was scary. It was day and night and even times when she was with me. I don’t know how much I believe yet about the intensity of what feelings were involved. She admitted to deleting all the texts “so I wouldn’t get mad”.
I’m not posting this to get into what happened or what I should do about it. I’m needing help with how to address it. I’ve been working diligently on “myself” in therapy and one of the things I’ve been working on is keeping my calm and not bringing up issues when I’m angry. This puts me in a predicament with her as a pwbpd. If I am very upset at something, such as finding out about the texting, I cannot tell her that I’m very angry and hurt and need time to process it, which is what I’m learning to do. If I do this she loses her mind. She absolutely melts down with those feelings of rejection and abandonment. I cannot leave her that way because I know how strong and real those feelings are. But at the same Im so upset at the moment that I find myself scolding her like a child. I don’t want that either.
It’s a tough spot. I spent hours and hours learning about BPD and how to manage a relationship with someone with BPD. I want to know. I know this is real to her. I love her more than anything and want to support her. The bright side, if any, is that she has stepped up and agreed to focus on her BPD. Through her current therapists she has scheduled an apt. With a therapists that specializes in. DBT. I’m trying to convince her that her doing this has to be for her, and not for me or our marriage.
I’m hurt and confused and would love any support or feedback you all can give. Thank you.

My wife of 23years has BPD. She was diagnosed early in our marriage and worked very hard in therapy for around two years. A lot of what she was dealing with subsided. We didn’t discuss or address it much until this past year when after a very stressful few months that included moving to another state, change in jobs and the tragic loss of my mother, with whom my wife was very close too. We were both riddled with anxiety, ptsd and grieving. She chose to have an affair with a coworker. It was short lived but none the less absolutely devastating. Through our therapy it became very evident that her BPD was again in full swing. We are 6 months into reconciliation and the focus has been working on our individual selves. We both have IC’s and an MC. I have pushed her the last few months because I didn’t feel like she was working on her needs, but focused on me as I am suffering serious effects of grief and PTSD, and now PISD. As you can imagine she wants to avoid a lot of what she has going on because she doesn’t like to address anything that makes her feel bad. Everything she does has to make her feel good. Last week I discovered on our phone bill a lot of texts in a 5 day period to a number I didn’t know. At first when I asked her she told me it was a girl from her office named Erin that was new and she really liked. She showed me the texts and they were just back and forth banter about wine, comedians they liked, Tv shows etc. Good enough for me.
Late last week she went out of town for work and I noticed the phone bill again and saw over 300 texts to “Erin” in a 4 day period. (FYI, texting logs were how I found out about the affair back in November). I researched the number and found that it belonged to an guy named “Aaron”, not a girl named “Erin” and he indeed worked at my wife’s company. I completely came unraveled. I was filled with Anger and Rage. I called her out on it and she came clean admitting it was a guy from work. Then then tried to tell me he was gay, until I found his FB with his wife and young child. She admits that she lied to me because she knew I’d be mad and that there was nothing going on “like last time” (referring to the affair). The amount of texting was scary. It was day and night and even times when she was with me. I don’t know how much I believe yet about the intensity of what feelings were involved. She admitted to deleting all the texts “so I wouldn’t get mad”.
I’m not posting this to get into what happened or what I should do about it. I’m needing help with how to address it. I’ve been working diligently on “myself” in therapy and one of the things I’ve been working on is keeping my calm and not bringing up issues when I’m angry. This puts me in a predicament with her as a pwbpd. If I am very upset at something, such as finding out about the texting, I cannot tell her that I’m very angry and hurt and need time to process it, which is what I’m learning to do. If I do this she loses her mind. She absolutely melts down with those feelings of rejection and abandonment. I cannot leave her that way because I know how strong and real those feelings are. But at the same Im so upset at the moment that I find myself scolding her like a child. I don’t want that either.
It’s a tough spot. I spent hours and hours learning about BPD and how to manage a relationship with someone with BPD. I want to know. I know this is real to her. I love her more than anything and want to support her. The bright side, if any, is that she has stepped up and agreed to focus on her BPD. Through her current therapists she has scheduled an apt. With a therapists that specializes in. DBT. I’m trying to convince her that her doing this has to be for her, and not for me or our marriage.
I’m hurt and confused and would love any support or feedback you all can give. Thank you.

I applied for a job that was advertised as a certain position on Indeed. I have 5 years of experience in this particular field and am really good at what I do. I am looking to make a change in the company that I work for partly because I am an assistant for someone who will retiring soon and I'm looking to make more money. This particular job advertisement checked all the boxes that I was looking for and they called me for an interview not long after I applied. The interview went really well and I was complimented several times on my skillset and work ethic. They told me at the interview that they may not hire someone right away and that it may be the following month before a decision is made which was fine because I currently have a job and didn't need to make a move right away. A week goes by and I get an email saying they are still extremely interested and thank you for your patience. I play it cool and try not to follow up too much because they told me it would take some time. After 2 weeks, I send a quick email checking on the status of things, they again assure me they are very interested that it's just taking some time completing interviews and such. 3 weeks rolls around, and I get an email saying that the position I interviewed for is changing and that they are internally reformatting the job from the ground up and that's why it's taking so long. I'm told that the position is now changing into more of a management position and that the job responsibilities will be different, and the pay will be more. At this point I'm really frustrated that it's taking so long but again, I'm patient and the thought of more money is exciting. Today, after interviewing over a month ago and being strung along that I was a great candidate, I'm told they are going with someone else that has more management experience. To say that I am heartbroken is an understatement but I'm trying to find out if what they did was illegal or just bad business. Can you advertise one job, interview someone for it, and then completely change the position and job description? Had I known this was a management role I would have never applied because I wasn't looking to be a manager, just an employee. I also turned down another job offer at a different company because they kept assuring me they were interested and that I was a great fit. Any advice would be great. Thanks everyone!

I work as a support worker in a group home. I have 3 days off every week and still earn 65k before tax. I know on paper I have it well. And my job is generally repetitive and comfortable. But my coworkers are the type that got the job because they heard it is easy money and their performance and care towards tasks reflect this. A frustrating cycle. The clients I support have always been and will always be the way that they are, they have a huge team of doctors and psychologists and whatnot around them to 'help' them get better, but all I see is people justifying their jobs to get paid. Which I understand. It feels like I am never making any real progress with anything at my job. It is what it is.
For the last 5 months I have frequently spent time browsing Seek and Indeed, trying to spark my interest in something else. Something that doesn't have me feeling like I am pushing a rock up a hill only to watch it roll back down again and push it up again.
But nothing is happening. I just don't know. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid to turn 35 or 40 (Currently 30) and still be doing this while asking myself the same questions.
Then I factor in the state of the economy and all that bs and I think that I should just stay put in my essential service job and stop worrying.
I keep reading about people finding mining jobs and just doing that for 1 year and making 150k. But after researching it all I find is vague pathways of how they did it. Then it turns out they had significant experience in some related field and knew someone in the industry and I think well ok that's why.
The last part was a bit of a rant idk.
I don't know. Woke up this morning feeling the dread of existential crisis kicking in again don't mind me.

Greetings.
TL;DR: Need help finding a good job so that I can move to Chicago.
I’m looking to make the move from Indiana. I haven’t had much luck in the job department so far on LinkedIn and Indeed. I have business degrees from IU but no personal contacts in the area (to my knowledge).
I’ve primarily been looking for entry-level work in marketing and finance, but I’m open to other ideas. Do you guys have any advice for where to apply, look, etc.? If permitted, general advice and comments about cost of living and moving will also be much appreciated.
Thanks in advance for your time. I’ll check back whenever I can.

I am wanting to build a niche job board website similar to Indeed or Glassdoor. I have done a bit of experimentation and research on boards powered by Airtable with Zapier and Stripe. Also, I've messed around with NocoDB and workflow automation using Automatisch with a Jotform questionnaire for job postings. However, I am slowly realizing a more simple approach like this will not work. I want to start from scratch, where do I begin?

I met this girl in work, about a half a year ago. First half of year, be barely talked to each other, i had my job to do, as herself.
Then, about half a year ago, something clicked, we started talking and talking and talking. For last few months, we talked like 3 hours per day in work, if we weren't we constantly communicated by texts in work and after work. Turned out she had fionce, for a year now, or two. She is 23, I am 29, her fionce is also 29. And he also works with us, but in the other room. I thouhgt it is weird, being engaged in that young age, but, hey, not my business.
I never planed falling in love in her, i guess you neved did. But time passed, and we were always close. Even boss noticed that something is going on.
There started to be subtle signs that maybe something is going on, from her and from me.
Then we decided that we want to spend more time together, so me meet first time outside the work. We knew ouself pretty well by this time, we talked for hours and hours everyday for months.
I was afraid, that maybe i am imagining things, that there will be her fionce on the spot and they will beat the shit out of me. Fuck it i said, i am not very reasonable person. I decided to talk with her about my feelings, to let her know my intentions. Check if I am imagining things or maybe not.
So we met, everything was great, turns out we have mutual feelings for each other. She was also afraid that she was imagining things. I feel bad for her fionce, dude did nothing to me, and right now i am taking love of his life from him. I know, shitty move, i will repent.
She told me that she was thinking about it for a some time, I told her that i think to advance our relationship, or even begin it she will have to end their relationship, and move out from him. Propably i will want her to stop contacting him whatsover. She got it. I think it is understandable. I didn't made any demans, or something, i think it is the natural turn of events. But for now, none of it mattered. I was half happy, half shocked. And got that feeling, that this is not win, there is a pleanty stuff that could go wrong
And as you imagine, pleanty stuff went wrong. She move-out for to days, as she told me, then she went back to him. Then she stopped talked to me.
I think it is good moment to talk about our personalities, to get better picture. She is kind, warm, careless, but also but of shy, not very assertive. She open very slowly, have trust issues. I am also kind, and careless, but i am also very open-comunicative, and pathologically truth-telling. If you like, and someone else lies, then it becoumes maze, you have absolutly zero idea which information is truth, you cannot make any conclusions, like, whats the point. I am done with it. I am not saying, i am not lying at all, if boss asks me we i am late i will not tell him that i played games to 4 a.m., or something, but in contacts with friends, family, i am always telling the truth. How many times it bited my ass i can't even count. Still, worth it.
We share a lot of intrests, same "carrer paths", same music taste, almost exactly same sense of humor. We look at life in pretty simlar way. I felt like reunion with my soul-mate, after eons of separation.
So, she stopped talked to me, after few days she told me that she can't, that she still have feelings to her fionce. Sure, understandable. I was mad, but not on her, as i said, understandable. Few days later we are talking again, topic of our feeling came back, few days later, nope, again. I was understranging, it is like a question 'how much time does it take to remove someone from your life"?
Week later topic cames back, new information shows up, she tells me that her fionce is suicidal, have problems, but she understands that what she feel for him isn't love but compasion? And now she is sure. She only need to find some help for him, so he wouldn't be alone when she leave him. Also, understandable. Once, if he dies, then there is no relationship between us, she wouldn't be able to look at me after this. Two, it is still her fionce, she still cares for him, i know that she would propalby for a long time after leaving him.
Took a week, she found help. We started talking about her moving out. New 'bullshit' problems came out, like how do i transport my lizard, how i move all my stuff, i do not have money right now. I provided solutions to all those problems. By this time i was kinda done, i mean, theese are minor inconvinients in my opinions, if she really meant what she says, it wouldn't be problem.
Somewhere around here, maybe week later or before she confide me about her problems. It took awhile, but i was happy, that she trusted me. I told her about my problems some time before, specificcly about the ones, that could have meaning in deciding if she wants to we with me or not. Mostly things of my pasts. She understanded me. Past is past.
Turned out, she sometimes have anxiety, and there are days, that she lies down rolled in blaknet, doing absolutly nothing for hours. Well, absolutly nothing. She fights for her sanity, and ability to do anything. Do not get me wrong, i know that this is extremally difficult. She also told me that she really need stability, or atleast illusion of it. Also, understandable
I told her that this isn't going nowhere, maybe we should just let it go and stop.. I had bad day. But it really was going nowhere, from my point of view. She told me that if i do that i will take her happiness, and she already made a choice.
Another few days pasts, maybe week or later,right now it's about month and a half since we told each other about our feelings.
She makes plans for us for future, etc, looks like she is really into it.
I finally got mad, told her, that this isn't fair either for me or her fionce, told her hew harsh words. I didn't offended her or nothing, more like stuff that i was stupid to believe that this will works out etc. After that, she told me that she promise me happy life forever, if she still has feelings for someone else.
I mean, sure, understandable, I do not want to be with someone who isn't sure about me. Problem is, i was already in state of solving thoose bullshit problems, finding flat to rent, organising money, etc. At the end nothing happed, but what if i would do some serious steps, inreversable steps?
I get it, she is shy, problems with trust, and communication. I myself am asocial, i think. But her problem with comunication is still her problem, most the times i do not mind that all, but sometimes you need to take initiative and speak up, especially for your case.
Anyway, next day i apologised her for harsh words, either way, no matter what, harsh words were unneceserry. We were cool. Topic came back again. Yeah, she is still in to it, but needs time. Right now I already know about her anxiety. Now here is where i am sure i made a mistake. Few days later, maybe week i brought topic back. And the fact that i can kind of rethink some stuff in 2-5 days, doesn't mean that she also needs just a few days. Her situation is different then mine, she had different experiences in life than I, she is a different person than I. In my thinking I didn't realised simple fact, that she may need more time than few days. And i was so in-her-face. Right now most initiative was from me.
We're close to the end.
One day, in work, everything is good, we talk normally. She writes me to come to her, i came. She writes again, a said nope, told her that she can came to me aswell. She insists. I didn't came after all. Asked why, she will not came, she said it is weird. WTF? Worth to mention, that we already had a talk with a boss about this, as you can see clearly, we wasted a lot of company time. Thing is, even if i spend 3 hours doing zero work, and the and of day i still did really a lot of work, so.. Anyway, on the beginnins she was coming to me, after this talk with boss i was coming to her.
Day was good, i remember specfically that i asked her this day 'when will we stop with this 'game' (sorry, English isn't my native languagne, and this is the most fitting word i know to descriebe what i said), and start to develop or even begin our relationship. And she answered that she heve to first solve her problems. Anxiety thing.
This day we were suppose to met. I was planning to tell her there, that my fellings doesn't changes, but i think we should stop, chill out, and she should focus on her problems. To be fair, i was less chilled out person in this whole situation. At least i think so. I have a pretty boring life, so this was biggest event of it at this time, so naturally i was focused on it. I was stressed as fuck this whole time, i lost 15kg of weight (33 ibs?). One one hand really, really bad, i know. On the brighter side, i wanted to lose more-or-less this weight anyway, so, hey. Depends how do you look at it, if glass is half-full or half-empty.
And i am going on the spot, and what do i see? Her fionce is waiting there for her. And me being me insted of walking away, first thought i had was "Well, this will be intresting" and i am going in to him.
Now, i barely now this guy, talked to him maybe two times before my attepmpt to destroy his life. There was one situation, when i talked to her, he came, then he left, but later he came to confront me to stay away from his woman. I told him that i will propably do nothing with this information. He felt disrespected. I didn't meant to. He was showing some signs of agression, will to handle this in another way. He would fucking snap me like a twig. I told him that i can see that, like this is obvious. Plus, how this exactly would resolve this problem?
Anyway, i was kinda stressed, kinda mad, so i decided, hey, lets talk with this guy again. Took him outside. Hoped that i will learn something, without giving out any information. I wanted to know what he knows, or what he thinks. This girl told me that the told him about her feelings towards me right at the begining, after out first meeting. And that she still plans to keep meeting with me. Stupid move. Or way to make him jelaous.
Zero new information came out from either side, he told me to fuck off, i said that it isn't upto him to decide who spends time with who. I told him indirectly, that he should do something for her that would definitly remove me from the picture. Because let's face it, he can do waaaaaaay more than i do. And i personally would bet my money on him. But hey, i am in love, clearlly, i am not thinking clearlly.
So, present day, he sits there, i am coming, we talking about 5 minutes, i told him that this shit needs to and, itn's not even funny, or productive, everyone suffers from this sutiation. He seems Clueless. and 5 minutes passes and he is like 'I think i start to understand what is going on"... Could it be that he is even more naive that me?
Anyway, she cames, says what a suprising meeting. I was like yeah, soooooo suprising. And they start walking of. I have WTF, what about me, we were supposed to meet. She declined. I told her, that this shit needs to end. He told me again to fuck off. I told him again, that's not his call. I asked her if i should fuck off of her life and she nodded. So i fucked off
I was shocked for about hour, like, this is riddiculus, circus type of shit. What the fuck I am taking part in? This is friday, by the way
I texted her two messages, if i can ask one question, and that if she really wants me out of her live then i promise i will never interact with her in anyway. She didn't responded.
Monay work boss comes to me to talk, and says that this girl came to told him that i am hitting on her, i am constantly comming to her and she feels uncomfortable about it.
I told them that, yeah, indeed i am hitting on her and constantly comming to her, but this works in both ways, and it is first time i hear that she feels uncomfortable. No point in lying about it, everyone around us with eyes and ears know about that. Boss also knew, so nothing really happed. I told him that of course i will leave her alone.
I already told her, that i will leave her alone, I dind't even have any opurtunity to interact with her from that time. I told the boss that of course, we all are here to do business, we will keep things proffesional.
Now it's about week after that.
And i mean, what the fuck?
First conclustion is i was only a tool to fix her relationship. That is most propable scanario. As you can imagine, I am not a big fan of it.
Maybe she wanted me to fuck off from a long time, but didn't had a gut to say me that? Too hard? I mean, i think it's way easier to tell someone to fuck off instead of 'pretending' to be intrested with someone for a month, but ok..
The one I like is that she was really into it, meeting with her fionce was accident (I mean... I know that she will be her, i know time and place. He also was here, so he also know time and place. This is a clue that suggests that that she also known that he will be here. But hey, maybe he was trying to surprise her, be supportive, she had hard-times right now. I would do the same)
Imagine this. You have axiety, you can barely function, berely go to work, when you go back from work, you roll a blanket around you and stays that way until the evening, staring into the one point. This isn't the right time to break-up with fionce, move out, and start new chapter of your live. I get it
Buuuut, she could just texts me later that she really didn't meant it.
Insted she go to tell boss that i make her feel uncomfortable?
This also i could try to explain, maybe her fionce demanded it, or something. It it is this, or breaking, moving out etc while you barely function, i can see this as a solution.
This was a really, really shitty move from her, no deny it. I could lost my job because of that, if things escalated more. Good thing that everyone around including boss saw that in was working in both ways, so, nothing really happend. Still, really, really low play.
And what the fuck should i conclude of this?
I can convince myself to almost anything, so i have no problem no convince myself to any of theese scecarios what really happend.
This whole situation helped no-one. Now he can't trust her. I do not know if i can trust her, or believe her in anything. This isn't problem, as i am banned from her life, but still. I know, i kinda initiated this whole situation. I told her many times, that if she want, we can end this right now, as this is problematic, without hard feelings. Like i get it, i'm and in love, she as fas as i know also, but i can see that it works badly for us. Fuck me, but was worring about her. Her hapiness was priority for me, and right now this whole situation was giving her more stress than hapiness
Many times when i asked her what will we do about this, or what will she do about this. She replied 'i do not know' and didn't wanted to talk about this, as this gaves her anixiety.
And i refuse to believe that she is bad person, with bad intentions. Not believing in her feelings, would be really offensive, in case that they were real. But this is my thing, i always believe in people. Sometimes you need only one person to believe in you to stand up, find new strenghts to fight, and make yours dreams real. Tolkien shit. I believe in this.
And also she seemed like this kind of person, kind, and warm. If there was 40 people in the bus, i would bet that she is the one that would helped me out if i was laying on the street covered in blood.
I wasn't looking for woman, this just happend naturally, to the moment of our talk about feelings i had 50/50 changes vibe, that maybe i am imagining this.
I do not think she would invest so much time in this, risk (or fix) her relationship if she wouldn't care.
I can find answers on every questions for both possible scenarios, but telling the boss on me was such riddiculus move, i am out of words. Circus. This is what happends when kids tries to act like adults.
So, it was week now, no contact, she avoids me in the work, avoids eye contact, etc. I also respect her wish, she doesn't want be in her life, find, it's her right.
And i wonder, what I do now? I still want her in my life. I love her. This situation clearly tells me that she wants me to fuck off, or atleast it looks that way.
I cannot contact her. I mean, i can. But If she really want me to fuck off, then I do not want to bring bad memories, make her feel uncomfortable. I do not know if she really meant it. Most propably she does. She have also 'anxiety' (i do not know if it is most accurate term, but it kinda fits), so even if she didn't meant it, it would still be a additional problem for her.
I Imagine that from this meeting between three of us, she is having worst times... It is kinda her fault, but i still feel sorry for her...
Plan is that i keep zero contact for now, and i a month i reach her out once, and and if nothing changes, that's it. She told me that she needs time, i underestinated that. I was planning telling her about it anyway. I could aswell say that's it right now. Or Month ago.
I guess i am still hoping that this will still work. It could work. I do not believe in destiny, more like people are more compatible with each other or less, and we were really compatible with each other. We had very, very simlar personalities.
Aaaaand in this month she works on herself, her fionce supports her, and they fell in love in each other again... I mean, if her feelings were real, and i do believe they were, then again, you could ask, how much time do you need to remove someone from your life. Or she will still think about me, but she will decide that this is too hard, and i go bye.
Maybe she doesn't contact me beacuse she thinks i will not forgive her that. Propably she doesn't because she is done with me..
I do not know man, (or woman), this is beyond my understanding, this shouldn't be that difficult. You love someone or you don't. If you love two people, and you can't be with both, you chose one and do not regret. Do not look back. Not making decision is still making decision in a sense, i know it. Fact is that after thoose two months, she still lives with her fionce, and right now she doesn't even talk to me.
And I, being an idiot that i am still thinking that this still can have happy end for me. But right now it seems obvious that it doesn't.
Yeah, i know what to do with broken heart. What i would know from you is second opinion, another perspective. Or some hint, what to do to not end this 'relationship'.
Do not get me wrong, of course i will respect that if she wants me off of her life. I just want her to be happy. Preferabbly with me. But if that's out of the picture, i still want her to be happy.
She should explain herself, what the fuck is going on. I would like that.
And if she really wanted this to end like that, all she had to do was just to tell me.
Waaaay tooo much information, i know, but i think that you will have better picture right now.
Right now i am so not done with her. I know, that i propably should. Sooner than later. But if there is still a change to spend my life with her, I will bet my life on it.
I will suffer, i know. I already am.