So I wrote this. Recycled ideas, but eventually all of this will be cited. It's basically my own CES Letter. The formatting is weird because this is coming over from Notion.
I had to write this out to start my own deconstruction anyway, but giving it to my spouse will be interesting. Read it if you want. Critique it if you want. I just had to get this out into the universe.
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1. The concept that the Church can lie to you
   
   1. Rather than being told the entire truth about Joseph Smith’s death, we are told that he is innocent of any crime and that he went to deliver himself up. The truth of the matter is, Joseph Smith was in jail for destroying the property of William Law, who was creating a newspaper called the Nauvoo Expositor. He ordered the printing press be destroyed and violated the first amendment, as well as destroying another’s property. The newspaper exposed polygamy and many of the other immoralities of the Church. On the surface, this lie doesn’t seem egregious, but D&C 135 section mentions that Joseph was a martyr for the religion, and I was always taught this. However, he didn’t deliver himself up to be killed and it wasn’t because he was a “mormon”; it was because he broke the law and had angered a mob. All of this was a direct result of him practicing polygamy and yielding so much power.
   2. The method of translating the Book of Mormon was largely misrepresented to me as a youth, missionary, and young adult. I was always taught, whether through art or articles, that Joseph used the Gold Plates to translate the Book of Mormon.
   3. However, upon widespread discovery of further quotes and scrutiny, in 2014 the Church admitted that the translation was done through a rock and a hat. This is justified by quoting the Book of Mormon where it talks about bringing forth a stone to shine forth in the darkness. (Alma 37:23-24). The methods of translation accounts differ from each other. Martin Harris saying they were done by sitting across the table. Oliver Cowdery saying it was done by the urim and thummim or two stones and spectacles. To be clear, I am okay with some ambiguity surrounding the translation, or it being by the power of God. What I’m not okay with is the church deceiving how it was done until the internet era forced them to release the Gospel Topic Essays on this subject.
   4. The implementation of polygamy. a. Left ambiguous for a reason. How Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, Wilford Woodruff, Heber C. Kimball and many other high ranking church members took many wives including teenage wives. The church’s essay on this topic refers to Helen Mar Kimball, a 14 year old, as “several months before her 15th birthday.” In fact, they even say that Helen said it was for “eternity alone” but that is an out of context poem from Helen’s journal. There is no proof of sexual relations, but there are proof in many other relatoinships, including Fanny Alger, Joseph’s first “wife” that Oliver Cowdery called a filthy affair. He was excommunicated partly due to that statement. b. Joseph Smith wrote a letter to 19-year old Nancy Rigdon propositioning her to marry him after she denied his appeal in 1842. This letter is quoted in General Conference many times over the years, “Happiness is the object and design of our existence, and will be the end thereof if we pursue the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness, and keeping all the commandments of God.” He then goes on to tell her that we cannot obey the commandments if we don’t know them and what seems wrong, can actually be right in certain circumstances. He quotes the times God has contradicted Himself in the scriptures. This letter is gross. Note that it comes right before the plural marriage revelation D&C 132. c. Joseph claimed that an angel with a drawn sword made him marry Zina Huntington Jacobs, despite her engagement to Henry Jacobs. He sent Henry on missions. She did stay faithful and was eventually sealed to Brigham Young, who also subsequently sent Henry Jacobs on missions. d. This doesn’t even take into account the actions of preceeding prophets who were married to dozens of women, sealed to hundreds, and many of them were underage. Wilford Woodruff for instance sealed himself to a 6 year old girl who had passed away, inexplicably. Maybe he didn’t know? Maybe he did? Who knows.
   5. D&C 132- Joseph Smith was sealed to over 20 wives before being sealed to Emma. He denied being polygamous publicly multiple times and the relief society (of which, Emma was president) wrote a letter condemning polygamy, while one of the presidency members was sealed to Joseph.
      1. Law of Sarah was violated before it was ever implemented
      2. Joseph performing a second marriage to the Whitney sisters after Emma approved it.
      3. Women must be virgins, while Joseph was married to other married women (at least 2).
      4. Abraham was not commanded by God to practice plural marriage, he was asked by Sarah to marry Hagoth because Sarah was barren.
      5. Additionally, Jacob condemns polygamy in the Book of Mormon but then God okays it in the D&C 132, both of them specifically citing the examples of Soloman and David.
      6. Plural marriage is the “new and everlasting covenant” implying that plural marriage in the celestial kingdom will be the new and everlasting covenant and required.
      7. 5. Historicity of the Book of Abraham There is an entire Gospel Topics Essay on this but the background is as follows. A guy named Michael Chandler shows up in Kirland with mummies and a bunch of scrolls. They were unearthed by Napoleon’s raiding of the Egyptian catacombs. Joseph believes that they are scrolls that contained writings of Abraham. He begins translation in 1835 and publishes it in May of 1842. The odds that these mummies, coming from a salesman who had a lot to gain, containing the written word of Abraham has always seemed really fortunate. In the Pearl of Great Price, the heading says they are penned by “the hand of Abraham” but according to scholars in and out of the church, they were written much later. “These fragments date to between the third century B.C.E. and the first century C.E., long after Abraham lived.” Not only is it not written by Abraham’s hand, it is also not anything to do with Abraham. In Joseph’s time, the Rosetta Stone had not been widely discovered. He began translating this book and now, experts know that these are standard funerary texts. The Facsimiles (pictures) have nothing to do with the sacrifice of Abraham. Everyone virtually agrees that what is on the remains of the scroll (most of which was lost in the Chicago fire but then recovered), is not what Joseph translated. This casts a large shadow of doubt on Joseph’s ability to translate. The Church is admitting that Joseph translated incorrectly. The only way to reconcile this is that Joseph used these scrolls to channel the Spirit to record what is in the Book of Abraham today. The doctrines in Abraham largely expand on the Genesis story but go deeper in doctrines about plurality of Gods and the creation of the universe and stars. Some of this goes against the Book of Mormon’s view of God. The Authenticity of the Book of Mormon
      8. This is arguably the largest domino that needs to stay in place. Here are a few quotes demonstrating the absolute necessity of the Book of Mormon being an authentic history of the peoples on this continent.
      9. “The Book of Mormon is God’s compelling witness of the divinity of Jesus Christ, the prophetic calling of Joseph Smith, and the absolute truth of this Church.” - Tad R. Callister
      10. “The Book of Mormon is the most important religious text to be revealed from God to man ‘since the writings of the New Testament were compiled nearly two millennia ago.’ Joseph Smith declared the Book of Mormon to be “the most correct of any book on earth, and the keystone of our religion.” It is the only book that the Lord Himself has testified to be true.” - President Nelson
      11. “I testify that one cannot come to full faith in this latter-day work—and thereby find the fullest measure of peace and comfort in these, our times—until he or she embraces the divinity of the Book of Mormon and the Lord Jesus Christ, of whom it testifies…and if he or she leaves this Church, it must be done by crawling over or under or around the Book of Mormon to make that exit. In that sense the book is what Christ Himself was said to be: “a stone of stumbling, … a rock of offence,” a barrier in the path of one who wishes not to believe in this work.” - Jeffrey R. Holland.
      12. "All that we have, all that we do hinge on the truth of that account of the boy Joseph Smith. If it is true, then everything that we have in this Church is true and is more precious and worth more than anything else on earth. If it is false, we are engaged in the greatest fraud that was ever perpetrated on earth.” - Gordon B Hinckley
      13. So with all that being said, this is my biggest stumbling block. I will begin with my own issues with the book that happened long before I was ever introduced to anything outside of approved Church material.
      14. The Sermon on the Mount given to the Nephites in 3 Nephi matches almost exactly to the one given in Matthew, with slight changes. He sets up a church similar to the one set up with Peter. But, the only issue is years later, Joseph Smith writes the JST and corrects different things in the Matthew version of the Sermon. But, if the Book of Mormon is the most correct book on earth, wouldn’t the writings have been exactly what the Savior meant?
      15. 2 Nephi 3 - Book of Mormon writes Joseph into the text relating a prophecy given to Joseph in Egypt, saying that a choice seer will be raised up and he will be named the Joseph after his father. 2 Nephi 3: 14-16
      16. There is a huge time lapse between Jarom and Omni to get us into Mosiah. 399 BC to 130 BC. The prophets basically write nothing and it seems like it’s just a transition to get to Mosiah.
      17. Ammon chopping off a ton of arms and all the people bring them to the king. The story of Ammon in general is crazy. The King is struck down for 3 days and his wife thinks he is dead. Then, Ammon converts this king who then goes and rescues Ammon’s brothers from another king.
      18. Other direct copies from the New Testament and Paul specifically found in the Book of Mormon. Moroni 7 is basically the same phrasing and concepts taught in 1 Corinthians 13. 2 Nephi 4:17 says “O wrteched man that I am” matches exactly to Romans 7:24.
      19. Alma the Younger’s story mirrors Paul the apostles history almost exactly. Both are destroying the church, get struck down by an Angel, go on to become amazing missionaries and even both appear before King’s and wicked people.
      20. The concepts taught in the Book of Mormon are basically christian. They are practicing Christianity as soon as middle of Mosiah, which is like 100BC. They are baptizing and confirming with the Holy Ghost. However, since Christ hadn’t fulfilled the law of Moses and they should’ve been practicing the Mosaic law. The book contains basically zero Mosaic and Hebrew traditions, which Lehi and his family would have been sharply familiar with. Instead, they practice Christianity before Jesus had even been born or practiced the Atonement.
      21. Joseph Smith almost never quotes from it. In fact, I’ve searched and searched and only found him reference it maybe once or twice. If this book is so important, shouldn’t it had been quoted from extensively. It doesn’t become a huge focus until basically the 1980s with Ezra Taft Benson started “flooding the earth with the Book of Mormon.” I’ve read Brigham Young’s entire Discourses of Brigham Young and he rarely mentions the Book of Mormon. While this proves very little, it just intensifies the idea to me that Joseph wrote it and did not consider it authentic scripture, even for himself.
      22. King Zedekiah Problem - The timeline of when Nephi left Jerusalem in the reign of King Zedekiah in preparation for the destruction of Jerusalem. But, King Nebuchednezzar had already invaded Judah twice by 599BC., two years prior to the Book of Mormon. He then Installed Zedekiah (formerly known as Mattaniah) as King of Jerusalem (2 Kings 24:11-18). So what does this mean?
      23. I will leave out the potential influences here because I do not think they are helpful nor likely to be true source material for the Book of Mormon. I think they are largely speculation and created just to create doubt without much validity or true sources. Do we know if Joseph accessed these works? Not really. But, it’s possible. There are a myriad of other problems with the Book of Mormon when examined scientifically, but that doesn’t really bother me so much. The church has an essay on DNA of Israelites not being in “Lamanite” or native american blood, despite many church leaders preaching that for years. It’s even included in the Book of Mormon title page until like 2006 or something. Additionally, Joseph Smith almost never quotes or teaches from the Book of Mormon. If it’s the most correct book of any on the earth, why is he not basing his sermons off these stories and scriptures?
      24. The Book of Mormon require that 3 key events from the Bible be literal events: a global flood in the times of Noah that covered the entire earth, Adam and Eve in the garden, and different languages occuring because God cursed people at the Tower of Babel.
      25. When I read the Book of Mormon, if I view it from a purely protestant view, it matches up doctrinally. In fact, it matches more purely with a presbyterian or methodist view of the atonement and doctrines (including the original trinitarian concepts taught in the Book before changes by Joseph Smith in 1837, eight years after the Book of Mormon was published and his first vision account that mentions God and Jesus being separate beings)
      26. The Charles Anthon Story is posed as a faith promoting story and prophecy fulfillment of Isaiah 29:11-12, where the learned wouldn’t be able to read a sealed book. So here’s the Church Narrative as found in JSH.
      27. Once i take off my believing member hat and look at this story objectively, it looks to me like complete and total BS. I am honestly insulted that this was taught and passed off to me as some amazing prophecy of Isaiah that was passed on to me.

Disavowed teachings and behavior of former prophets and leaders.

1. Brigham Young
   1. Adam-God theory was taught in the temple and considered straight doctrine by the “prophet” Brigham Young.
   2. Blood Atonement was also taught in the early Utah days
   3. Brigham taught that no man can receive the highest exaltation without taking on extra wives.
   4. Brigham young definitely was in approval (either before or after) of the Mountain Meadows Massacre, which is the slaughtering of innocent immigrants heading west. They luckily spared the smallest children and raised them Mormon. He scapegoated John D Lee who suffered the death penalty, despite being rewarded with “wives” by Brigham Young prior to that. Hmmmm
2. Blacks and the Priesthood
   1. So so so many quotes could go under here talking about how black people would never receive priesthood or temple covenants. The list could go on. I don’t need to repeat them all but in the Gospel Topics Essays, the Church disavows all racist teachings from the past.
   2. Book of Mormon and Abraham still talk about the curse of dark skin. The Lamanites are cursed but then will become “white and delightsome” as they repent (according to Spencer W. Kimball)
   3. How many prophets were completely wrong on this topic? Even after the Civil Rights movement which was going on 15 years earlier. The Church always seeems to be a step behind.
3. Polygamy
   1. Again, I could write a book on how much early leaders emphasized the heavenly requirement for a man to have multiple wives.
   2. Wilford Woodruff was sealed to like a 200 something wives on his birthday, including a six year old who had passed away. This can be found on FamilySearch
   3. The leaders of the Church didn’t stop practicing polygamy until around 1910, which is 20 years after the Manifesto, forced upon them by the US Government. This policy change wasn’t inspiration — to was a matter of the Mormons keeping their stuff or not.
4. Science
   1. Age of the Earth — Joseph Smith says that the earth has a temporal existence of 7,000 years before it will receive it’s eternal glory. This was a common thought back then and ties back into the Old Testament timeline. I was taught this in Seminary. Going back to Adam and Seth, then to Abraham and to modern day. It all lines up so that the Second Coming will be happening soon.
   2. Adam + Eve — This one is very hard for me to get past because the proof is indisputable: human life did not begin 6,000 years ago by two human beings. There was physical death long before it was introduced by the partaking of the forbidden fruit. It is fact. To deny it would be like denying that the Earth is round or orbits the Sun. So is this an allegory? Well Joseph Smith down to current general authorities have taught that this is LITERAL. The temple clearly emphasizes this. This is something BIG to get wrong. Considering Joseph Smith taught that it happened in the garden of Eden which was in Missouri.
   3. Noah’s Ark — This has to be literal as it is in the Book of Mormon as a fact. It’s also been “revealed” to have been a literal, global flood that covered the earth and cleansed the earth of all inhabitants. We also have doctrine in our church that says modern day revelation has confirmed this fact. But, this “story” is largely based on the Babylonian tale “The Epic of Gilgamesh.” It was recorded before the Hebrew Bible recorded the tale of Noah. The stories are earily similar and there are so many throughout other cultures of a great flood. Maybe that makes it more likely? Or maybe it was just a prevailing thought in that time period. Either way, scientific evidence knows that Noah’s Ark never happened because a huge flood never happened. And ask yourself, how in the world would they get all the animals on a boat? Is this really realistic?
   4. Tower of Babel — This is the genesis of the Jaredites. The Lord was confounding the language of the people, so the Brother of Jared goes and asks that they are spared. Eventually they are led to the Americas (which has a host of other problems). But, this story has to be literal because that’s exactly what’s happening in the Jaredite civilization to lead them to cross the ocean. But language evolved over tens of thousands of years and had nothing to do with a tower in around 2500 BC.
   5. Evolution — This fact goes along with Adam and Eve. Modern day prophets have disavowed this fact. In fact, Joseph Fielding Smit said “If evolution is true, the church is false” in Doctrines of Salvation, which was written while he was the prophet.

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1. Sexual Assault Cover Ups - This one is pretty self explanatory. There are hundreds of occasions and the most recent ones in the news are pretty disgusting. The fact that the Church didn’t report, and had systems in place to protect itself rather than the victims, makes me sick.
   
2. First Vision Accounts - In many Church media films and the way I was taught at a young age, Joseph had the first vision and then was mocked by the people of Palmyra for believing in visions. I had not idea that this was not the case. In fact, Joseph never wrote anything down until 1832. The accounts from 1832, 1835, 1838, and 1842 paint a picture of someone who was expanding, molding, and letting this vision evolve. The reasons why he went out to pray in the trees changes. First, it’s to receive a remission of his sins. He also says in that account that he’s already concluded that the church’s of his day are fallen. Then it evolves. He also says the Lord appears. Then it’s angels. Then it’s the Lord and His Father. He mentions that it had never entered his heart that they were all wrong in the Canonized JSH we have in the Pearl of Great Price. But, then he says he already knew they were wrong in earlier versions? In fact, Asa Wild and Norris Stearns have visions in 1815 and 1823 in the same area as Joseph Smith and the verbiage used is similar. Norris Stearns says, “At length, as I lay apparently upon the brink of eternal woe, seeing nothing but death before me, suddenly there came a sweet flow of the love of God to my soul, which gradually increased. At the same time, there appeared a small gleam of light in the room, above the brightness of the sun, then at his meridian, which grew brighter and brighter: As this light and love increased, my sins began to separate, and the Mountain [of sin] removed towards the east. At length, being in an ecstasy of joy, I turned to the other side of the bed, (whether in the body or out I cannot tell, God knoweth) there I saw two spirits, which I knew at the first sight. But if I had the tongue of an Angel I could not describe their glory, for they brought the joys of heaven with them. One was God, my Maker, almost in bodily shape like a man. His face was, as it were a flame of Fire, and his body, as it had been a Pillar and a Cloud. In looking steadfastly to discern features, I could see none, but a small glimpse would appear in some other place. Below him stood Jesus Christ my Redeemer, in perfect shape like a man-His face was not ablaze, but had the countenance of fire, being bright and shining. His Father’s will appeared to be his! All was condescension, peace, and love!”
   

Ultimately, all of these issues paint a picture, right? The character flaws and mistranslations of Joseph Smith, along with the setting in which he was raised all take away from his prophetic ability. There are more issues that I haven’t even touched on. LGBT issues, the treatment of women, the kinderhook plates, etc. There are more issues touched on in the CES Letter. But, these are things that stick in my mind when I try to imagine believing the Church is true again.
I believe Joseph Smith started writing the Book of Mormon to make money. Then, when it got close to publishing, he decided to start a religion. With the help of Sidney Rigdon, the Church grew and he introduced different aspects of "the Restoration" and eventually the power went to his head.
Being "prophet" brought him three things key for cult leaders. Money. Sex. Power. He got his living taken care of and people built him a house. He had around 40 polygamous wives and preyed on underage girls. He was dubbed king of the world by the Council of the 50 and was Mayor of Nauvoo.
How can I conclude anything other than him being a cult leader? This barely even touches on Brigham and the subsequent prophets that made huge mistakes.

I had been a trading card collector for years, about 5 years now. Started just pre-covid as a fun hobby to share with my mother.
Well, I recently expanded on that hobby because I felt like I was missing something. So I started playing the game and streaming it. It was going pretty well. Each stream had viewers, I felt proud of my product, and I felt like maybe once in my rather secluded life I might be more then a nobody.
I work 12 hours a day as a truck driver, most days I wont talk to anyone. Often 6 days a week.
However this meant I was streaming 1 hour each day before work. That was the time I had previously dedicated to making my partner breakfast & sitting next to him while he gamed. I knew he was starting to miss me sitting with him. It just kind of sucks watching someone hang with their friends while I sit in silence watching which is part of why I got into streaming.
So rewind to a few days ago I had just started my daily stream. First pvp match. Chat was busy with people and I was trying to focus on both. This hour was important to me because it was the last day before the reward tiers reset.
My partner picked that time to insist I need to go to Taco Bell with him. He had been up for hours and chose to use that time playing his own game, I heard him talking to people. I told him, "I dont want to go", "I dont want taco bell", "Im streaming". I assumed he knew this was my last chance to get rewards (i wanted those pants for my avatar). He is supposed to be my number one supporter. He knows him making me chose between my hobby & him would overwhelm me. But he wouldnt leave. I know streamers often get interupted, but my partner was actively trying to get me off the computer and wasnt taking "no" for an answer. The pvp match was timing out, chat was rushing by un-moderated and bf is still talking.
So I shut the stream off. Cut off chat. Lost the last chance for rewards.
I havent been able to look at the trading card game app since. I feel shame, sad, frustrated. My mood had been irritable and reclusive. Guess I took on too much and I just dont have time for work, bf and streaming.
I know I messed up ending the stream the way I did.
My parents had noticed the change in my behavior, but I keep telling people I'm just tired. Figured I could post here to get it 'off my chest'. Peace.

Okay, first of all, this has NOTHING to do with design. I like the design. the hair, the motorcycle shtick it all just works for her. No, it's not even the crimefighting while pregnant thing (Though I still find it odd I mean I wouldn't but you do you). So any bigots or whatever fuck off. Secondly, I love this movies so much, it's just that this one character bugged me...
My problem is this version of Jessica Drew is... just... kinda an asshole.
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We're introduced to her in the opening fight seen where she seems like your typical, cool spider-variant. She quips, she teases, and preforms some badass moves all around. She also then pushes Miguel to add Gwen to the gang, defending her from the mistakes of the previous movie.
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This culminates in the gut wrenching scene between Gwen and her father, where Jessica supports Gwen by offering her admittance into the group. While this seems kind initially, upon completing the movie there are two actions which kinda seem gross in hind sight.

1. Jessica lets them linger on the scene, of a daughter and her father in turmoil and both upset, trying to get Miguel to agree to her suggestion... which is kinda weird considering there is no way Jessica doesn't know about Miguel's tragic backstory, and pushing that in this instance isn't that cool.
2. Jessica also knows about and firmly believes in "Canon" events, and the Canon event that is highlighted strongest in the movie is that usually, Spider's tend to loose their Police Captain friend at some point in their journey. So in that moment Gwen's father, a police man AND clearly Mr. Stacey, the usual one to die across the multiverse, her leading Gwen away from her father at an emotionally charged moment while his life is likely on the clock is harsh as hell.

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When we next see Jessica, she's scolding Gwen on her mishandling of catching the Spot. This scene was what tipped me off to her nature, and was really taken aback by her change. She initially gave off that wholesome "mom of the friend group" vibes, so much so that Gwen half-jokingly asks for her to adopt her. Yet, when we see her again, she's just cruel.
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Firstly, she scolds Gwen on getting close with Miles. She clearly knows about Gwen and Miles friendship/crush, yet gets irritated when Gwen went to visit him after months. Firstly, Ma'am, you and Miguel are the ADULTS here. Gwen is at most 17, and would in no way be in charge of whose assignments go where. Jessica jokingly calls her her star pupil, regretting letting her go there.... and yet while still knowing Gwen's conflict of interest, age, and the severity of the problem, she let her go anyway, yet put it ALL on her... not cool. YOU COULD SAY NO MA'AM. From the way they phrased it, Jessica could've let her not go, and have gone herself and avoided all of this... like, let her sneak off to 1610 when there isn't a multiversal threat!?
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What's even WORSE, however, is what happens next. So while we don't know how much she heard when it happened, given Jessica was the closest Spider she knew at first, Gwen's admiration from her from her coolness/saving her and Gwen's obvious behavior with not returning home, Jessica MUST know about what happens, yet threatens it subtly. Gwen asks "What if he sends me home." And Jessica just gives her a side stare. She MAY feel a little guilty, but clearly doesn’t feel it enough to act on that guilt, because right after she talks about how Gwen can't make anymore mistakes, gives her just an HOUR, and then basically gives a "you better or else" type of tone in her voice before leaving.
"Like, sure I'm giving you all the means to screw up and enabling you but if it gets to the punishments that's all you girl teehee. Good luck with your father threatening your arrest and trial for the murder of your former bestie!"
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She then shows up again once 50101 is starting to unravel from the Spot's crazy experiment there turning him into an eldritch abomination. (YES, it is Spot not a Canon event disruption problem... its clearly a giant black spot opening up in the city NOT the glitchy disappearing we see in Miguel's flashback.) Not much to say here she's just pissed, mostly at Miles.... can't really say anything against her here as everyone else kinda share the same blame here, that being being pissed at Miles yet not telling him why or giving any sort of information for him to, ya know, avoid the issue!
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She's then just kinda acting pissed off in the lobby. Like she dismisses that version of Spider-UK's joke, she doesn't seem to care that Miles is in pain and glitching. She just throws him a day pass and acts like his glitching is more annoying than anything. Her apathy is clearly shown in the chase too...
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Gwen's like: He's my friend and something feels wrong. Jessica's like: then use your head, before going to curb stomp Miles, literally aggressively kicking him with both feet straight in the gut... Madam you're a Spider-Woman use your webs. The point is to catch him and lock him up not kill him!
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Later in the chase Miles also beats her. First she tries to land on him with her motorcycle. I keep bringing up the violence because in the whole chase scene, she is second to Miguel only in use of force. Like, a few other Spider-men try to do stuff but nothing to crazy. One Spider tries to punch him, Miles gives him a look and he gives off a little Anime sweat effect like he feels bad... nothing like that from Jessica of course. He kicks her motorcycle away, and effortlessly webs her up before pinning her to a truck... way to go.
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I bring that up because, holy shit, the post Mile's escape scene is DRIPPING with hypocrisy. Gwen lashes out at Miguel, because she's a 17 year old girl who's upset about what just happened. The 30+ year old man then screams back at her, blaming her for his escape.... but let's be clear here, Miguel and Jessica both failed WAY harder than she did, by miles... pun intended.
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Miguel fought heard, but Miles ultimately outsmarted him, leading his army away and short-circuiting his suit. Jessica only got one good kick in and then in the next encounter got completely outplayed. Yet, when Gwen is like "Jessica, back me up." She's just like nah Miguel has a point.... excuse me?
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SO, just to put her actions in order. Jessica took in an upset and damaged teen who just went trough some heavily traumatic shit. She then took her under her wing, but also began enabling her bad decisions, which she knew were bad, but allowed anyway. She then kept doing so despite it producing bad results, blaming Gwen over her own poor choices as a leader and the adult in the relationship. THEN, when Miles is captured, he escapes on his own, and despite both adults fighting and loosing to him, blame Gwen...
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And Jessica lets her fry.
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She cowardly doesn't admit to her own faults in the events that played out, and lets Miguel put all his anger at Miles towards Gwen. She also lets Gwen get sent home. You know, that mega fear Gwen has that Jessica knows about? Her own reality, where her own father potentially will try to put her on trial for vigilantism and murder? You know, that HOME?
Her only defense is "I told you, you let him get away, I can't help you." What does that imply? If she succeeded, would Jessica have taken credit? Commended Gwen and let her get away with more reckless behavior? She shouldn't have gone, but Jessica allowed it. She shouldn't have gone again, but Jessica allows it. Jessica equally fails, if not fails more so, in catching Miles, and yet GWEN pays the price, being sent to an awful situation which Jessica knows about but clearly doesn’t give a damn enough about if she's letting this happen with no resistance.
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The only redeeming quality they honestly give her past her introduction is when she feels bad after eavesdropping on Gwen talking about how great Miles is, and all I can say is. really Jess? You knew Gwen for months, called her your star pupil, clearly spent a lot of time with him, yet didn't realize how much she cared for him?
Jessica's love advice is also about getting close to someone once, and then realizing they need to get over it. Now obviously she suffered a tragedy, so clearly that can explain her actions but doesn't justify them. To quote our beloved Rocket Raccoon "Everyone's got dead people, but that's no excuse for getting everyone else dead along the way."
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Her coldness, hypocrisy, and irresponsibility is not excused by her past tragedies, and goes against everything that stands with the Spider in her name. Gwen deserved a better mentor, and frankly I'm gonna be so pissed if her redemption, if she gets one, is literally just leaving Miguel for the gang.

I was in a bowling from 1991-2009. My older sister was also. This situation happened in 2000 and 2001.
So I bowled with 4 friends and to say we were a good team is a understatement. We didn’t have any trouble winning trophies and getting better with our bowling. But during 2000, I had to miss some weeks due to tournaments and when I returned, other bowlers in the league would explain what 2 of my teammates were doing. Bullying. Only to 1 person. A former teammate from years earlier and a good friend to me. My friend jimmy. Sure he was slowly getting better but he didn’t do anything to get bullied. My 2 teammates bullied him when they had the chance.
When I confronted them, ( Bobby and Joey) I was surprised they admitted it. They took it a step farther.
Bobby: yeah we did, and?
Joey: what are you going to do? Leave the team?
Bobby: sure actually do it. Leave. We are better off without you as a teammate.
Joey: you are nothing without us . You need us as teammates.
Me: I won 1st place before… but sure i will leave.
2001 comes. I’m now back to bowling with jimmy. He managed to get 3 of his friends.
Bobby and Joey I guess saw the teams or maybe were told by someone, because from what I was told, they were shocked I left. Not sure why, they told me to leave.
I am competitive but i also value my friends. I made it clear I wasn’t going to watch as a friend and former teammate is bullied.
My team won 1st that year and Bobby’s team was 2nd.
Bobby eventually begged to bowl with me years later in 2004 because he had nobody to bowl with.

He was so active when the market was in bear territory, and before that. Ever since he made his “Sell.” post and then took it back he’s been absent. We need Burry’s thoughts now more than ever. Why has he forsaken us?

We haven't had many posts about the rower and so since I just got one I wanted to share why, when we can now use any rower we want, I decided it was the right time to make the big purchase.
Background
I have rowed before and enjoyed it. Prior to Peloton rowing at home was my main source of cardio (I did not work out regularly back then so take that into account). So when, after years of teasing, Peloton finally came out with theirs I was thrilled. However also skeptical. Because I had never done a rowing class, I had only ever just hopped on one and rowed in a steady state for a while. So I had a hard time imagining how a class would be structured and why I would even need one.
And so, while I thought I probably wanted one, I wanted to hear what people thought of it first. See some reviews. And most importantly, try some classes. Which a few weeks ago we were all finally allowed to do.
My First Classes
Of course day 1 with access to rowing content, I tried a class out. A forms drill class with Ash. (she's great btw). I very quickly learned that I could not just use my existing rower (the Sunny one at the top of everyone's best budget rower list) and take the Peloton classes. I mean I could, but I would't get a lot out of them. Why? Numbers. I can't just do classes by feel. I need to know I am doing the right things. In the case of Peloton Rowing it means having the right stroke rate and rowing at the right pace and each point in the workout. Sure I could get some exercise without knowing these things. But if Peloton has taught me anything, its that I am driven by knowing that I am improving and progressing, and that in order to do that I need some numbers because not all improvements show up in the mirror or on the scale.
So I knew I needed to upgrade. And tbh I suspected I was probably going to want to upgrade I just wasn't willing to consider it until I tried the classes.
The Decision
So I should just go buy a C2 right? That's what pretty much everyone is going to tell you. It does, among other things, tell you the exact numbers you need that my Sunny rower was lacking. And if you have used a C2 and like it you should absolutely do so.
The problem is, I don't like the C2. Yea, I said it. Cue the hate and scorn. But I don't find rowing on it to be a great experience. I'm not saying its a bad machine or that people should avoid it. But the feel of rowing on it is very similar to my Sunny rower but much louder. So despite all of it's great aspects, its not the right machine for me. However I also didn't want to spend $3000 on a rower. So I had to figure out what I should buy.
Research
What you should do before any major purchase. I set out with the goal of finding which mid-range rower was right for me. There are several in the $750-1800 range after all. Since rowing isn't popular in the way running and cycling are it can be a little harder to try them though. But if you look around you can find some on display to try out. And I did. Some were nice, some were janky. I think I know what alternative I would have gone with and on a good sale it would be about half the price.
But I had to at least go to a Peloton showroom and look at one, try it out, see for myself. Any review you read after all will basically tell you its the nicest rower out there and the only real knock anyone ever has is the price. Still I left my house fully intending not to buy one.
Here's the problem. Its just. So. Nice. And I don't mean to look at, I mean the feel of rowing on it to me is just head and shoulders above anything else I tried (granted I had no opportunity to try a Hydrow). its incredibly smooth and quiet, a baby could probably sleep in the same room as it (and yes I am aware I am starting to sound like a commercial, I'm trying to be objective and factual here).
And ... it was on sale (Memorial day weekend). This was a major kicker because after trying it I really wanted it badly despite being $1000 or more above the alternative. But its not like it doesn't have extra perks on top of other rowers. Form assist and the integrated Peloton experience are worth more than $0 to me as well. Just like people buy Peloton bikes and treads all the time even though there are alternative DIY versions of those that are well built. And for whatever reason they don't get the same reaction the row gets.
The actual review
So I bought it, it arrived, and so far I love it. I've tried every one of the instructors (with my Sunny while waiting) and I either like or love each one of them so that's a perk, would have been a very different story had I not liked who was teaching the classes.
A week and a half to have it delivered, could have been even shorter but I wasn't able to commit to being available for the whole day earlier in the week. Delivery itself was ... sufficient. People seem to have a wide variety of experiences with XPO. They came, assembled it quickly, told me it would need to update for 10 minutes, and left. No showing me how anything works or staying to confirm there were no problems. So not great, but not a poor experience either. I feel like thats a win when dealing with XPO.
Since I just got it, I am currently fascinated by the form assist. I "know how to row" but that is based on watching videos of proper form and assuming I am doing it correctly. So all class long I am mostly staring at my avatar to see if anything lights up red and if so I correct it. With as much as it lights up I was expecting a middling or poor form score but came away from my first row at a 94% which I think is supposed to be very good. After all I got a badge for a 90%+ form rating. And my problem isnt what I was expecting it to be. I thought I would get dinged on the recovery because I feel like I collapse everything back down at once. But instead my issues were on the Drive where apparently I start leaning back too soon. (I also may recalibrate as it seems to want me in some rather extreme bends)
In general, I think I am actually going to love the row bootcamps more than the straight rowing classes. Maybe my mind will change as I do it more, but I'm not sure how I feel about a 45 minute long row session. 10ish minutes has always felt right to me in the past, and thats the range the bootcamps go before getting on the floor. But I could always just do short rows stacked with strength classes as well. Especially if I dont like the bootcamp class plans. I tend to want to focus on specific areas and that can be hard with that kind of class.
I'm starting off with just level 2 while I make sure I have good form. Not trying to wreck PRs just yet. Its actually hard to go easy enough for the easy pace, but max really does seem to be my max pace right now. So I think its the right move. I do really enjoy the different pace levels and intervals they do over the monotonous steady pace rowing I used to do. Though I would probably hate a Tabata style 20 on 10 off interval change. It takes me too long to adjust to a new pace for that ... at least right now.
Being an OG bike owner I didn't have a swivel screen for my workout room before and so I'm trying this out as well for any non-bike class instead of casting to a TV. Right off I can say its better than casting to a swiveled bike would be because of the level the screen is on. A bike would be too high for any time you're down on the floor. I haven't decided yet whether I'll continue or go back to casting. It is different. because its at a different angle from my workout mat than the TV. So I don't know if I just need to get used to it or if its not as good.
I was pleasantly surprised when my HRM connected as soon as I turned it on. I assumed I would have to pair it the first time like I did with the bike. I guess all devices remember it once you pair it to one?
I can't speak to the wall anchor because I have not and do not intend to use it. I am lucky to have enough space to just leave it down the entire time.
Dislikes?
Two very minor things, one of which isnt even specific to the Peloton Row. The powesleep button, its flush with the back of the monitor. Seems like great design right? Totally hidden and unnoticeable. Yay! ... except when you want to use it you're putting your hand on the back from the other side where you can't see it and its harder to feel for the little ridge around the button, whereas the bike (at least OG) has a raised button that is easy to feel for.
Second, and like I said this is more my experience with all rowers not just this one. I feel like I'm not really doing the work with the drive. I don't even feel the resistance on the handles until I am pulling during the finish. But at that point it is a good amount of resistance so I don't know that I want to turn up the dampener. I'd prefer if I had more resistance during the drive and less during the finish. Would feel more natural and well balanced.

I’m a 30 year old female who recently got out of a long term relationship and decided to leave Portland, Oregon. I’m currently lease-less and am having such a hard time picking a city to move to.
It’s almost like with no limits on where you can be located, you get analysis paralysis. Has anyone else experienced this? If so, how did you end up choosing where to live?
Also just in case anyone asks why I don’t nomad, I’m not allowed to work out of other countries for more than 10 business days at a time. 😭😭😭 otherwise I would be gone. Lol

Title was composed from:

From: The American Heritage Dictionary
Word History: Agnostics do not deny the existence of God—instead, they hold that one cannot know for certain whether or not God exists. The term agnostic was coined by the 19th-century British scientist Thomas H. Huxley, who believed that only material phenomena were objects of exact knowledge. He made up the word from the prefix a-, meaning "without, not," as in amoral, and the noun Gnostic. Gnostic is related to the Greek word gnōsis, "knowledge," which was used by early Christian writers to mean "higher, esoteric knowledge of spiritual things"; hence, Gnostic referred to those with such knowledge. In coining the term agnostic, Huxley was considering as "Gnostics" a group of his fellow intellectuals—"ists," as he called them—who had eagerly embraced various doctrines or theories that explained the world to their satisfaction. Because he was a "man without a rag of a label to cover himself with," Huxley coined the term agnostic for himself, its first published use being in 1870.
https://ahdictionary.com/word/search.html?q=agnostic&submit.x=20&submit.y=28

The part about "Agnostics do not deny the existence of God" is easy enough. I already get plenty of downvotes for explaining why scientific theories are now explaining how our Creator, God, etc. works. The tactic makes "God did it" answers irrelevant. Scientific theory or nothing. And cyclic models Albert Einstein worked on too suggest the universe always was and always will be. No pre-existing realm with omnipotent deity required. Behavior of matter works great for powering complex molecular trial and error systems, living things. Logical reason not religious.
The part that I'm having a hard with is how to get back to what made Agnosticism great:

Huxley was considering as "Gnostics" a group of his fellow intellectuals—"ists," as he called them—who had eagerly embraced various doctrines or theories that explained the world to their satisfaction.

In the old days there was no moleculachemical evolution knowledge to speak of. A gap like that would have to fill in with a placeholder hypothesis. Religious "doctrine" would do until there is scientific theory to replace it with.
What I am having trouble conceptualizing is what their "explained the world to their satisfaction" would look like to you, and be in it. In a sub like this it could start with a list of all questions needing to be answered, arranged to flow from physics to chemistry, biochemistry, biology, on up.
To not fudge the all important question of afterlife, and better word for a scientific answer, there could be a pre-conscious at conception and post-conscious after returning to what becomes an in-between state. This leaves open the possibility we can come back again in the future, go backwards, or (by in a way being the universe experiencing itself) the lifetime of everything multicellular that ever was, and will be, everywhere. A single one way trip afterlife makes it seem like we were never once there, before conception and not conscious at the multicellular level yet.
One that is vital is "Why do organisms seek to survive?" needed to answer questions pertaining to "morals" in context of pre-existing genetic and cell level "altruistic" and "survival/homeostasis" behavior. This is already in our well networked together cells, including in our brain, communicating through ion channels into our sex cell makers, to help them epigenetically prepare future offspring for what parents experienced too.
The rest I need help organizing to be in spirit with Thomas Huxley and what you would expect. For now just enough for an outline, to post again after adding in a batch of new information from comments. Changes can be argued out in the proverbial "scientific arena" like in the old days. Add what survives to a summary doctrine theory with hyperlinks to where something is already explained in detail in a reply elsewhere, as are online science papers to "references".
An occasional update should cause minimal disruption to this sub, in comparison to earlier thoughts. Moderators do not have to change anything. Newbies occasionally venting anger against religion can be a good thing. Have a doctrine for the ones more or less looking for one with "What do you believe?" posts. They're used to having to try to memorize a Bible, something that fits in one opening post space is no problem. Can go from there to (like I used to) write Sunday Science Sermons with an uplifting message, without going out of bounds of science.
Topics with doctrine updates would have to present scientific information or better wording for what is already there. Other topics can be as religious as they want to be. What matters is the Thomas Huxley thing is going on at the same time, for newcomers to attempt when they find something to possibly fill a knowledge gap. A scientist level theory, attracting academia here too.
I know it's thinking big, again, but this was all done before and they had no internet. Imagine what we could do with it? Where do I/we go from here?

I 28F and my husband 31M have two children 2F (disabled with a very rare genetic condition) and 6M (recently diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD). This is going to be long since there's a lot of history going back 6 years.
Since the first child was born I have been unable to live peacefully with my inlaws. They were pushy, judgmental and always trying to interfere in the way we raise our son and trying to order us to do things their way. Husband didn't see anything wrong with it since he was raised like this his whole life. It was the reason for many arguments. When 6M was 2yo we moved closer to them, because my husband insisted we move back home and after many discussions I finally agreed. It was rocky at first, but we managed to exist close to each other without any major incidents. A while later we got pregnant. They were hoping for a girl since there hasn't been any girls in the family for two generations. When she was born we were all shocked when she was immediately transferred to ICU due to severe health problems. That's when FIL told us he FORBIDS US to have anymore children (we weren't planning to have anymore anyway but who is he to tell us that). For the past two years my daughter was admitted to hospitals over 20 times. She doesn't sit, doesn't walk. Only recently started to roll over. We have finally learned of the diagnosis a few months ago. Her genetic condition is very rare, less than 20 people diagnosed worldwide. She will never be Independent and will always rely on our care. She's fed through gastrosomy, is only able to make a few sounds and probably will never speak. If she will walk it will be very late, possibly at the age of 7, but there's no guarantees she ever will. My inlaws have this weird fantasy world where they believe that she will miraculously get better. It's fine, if it's their way of coping I'm not the one to judge. The issue is they have never liked me and its showing in their treatment of my children. They have two grandsons from BIL and his wife (their favourite DIL) and they go out of their way to spend time with them. The boys stay for a sleepover at least 3 nights a month, they look after them at least 4 days out of the week, take them for walks and spend as much time as they can with them. With our son they refused to have him overnight (as is their right, it was my husband asking anyway, I'm chill either way) but they also don't go out of their way to spend time with him and only see him when we go over to their house which is not very often due to our disagreements. If ocassionally they did spend time with our son they always complained about him. He doesn't want to eat, his cousins like to eat. He's doing this wrong, that wrong. His cousins aren't like this. Always comparing. Their relationship with our daughter is also reliant on our efforts. They do talk to her, hug her etc. when we are over but also don't unconvenience themselves by seeking any contact on their own. They always said reach out if you need any help but always conveniently have an excuse why they can't help whenever I asked. They have their own company, they always find time to help BIL with his children but never can help with ours. For easter they asked to take our son to the seaside. They asked to take him 2 years ago but changed their minds when we went away with them a month before because they saw that he can be a handful when away from home. This time they were set on taking him and they took our son and BIL's sons for 3 days. After they came back MIL came over to our house furious. She started screaming at me telling me how our son was behaving (and from what she said I'm not defending him, he gave them a front row show of his worst qualities but we warned them that this could happen. She also admitted she didn't give him his morning dose of calming medicine, only the night dose which definitely didn't help). She kept screaming that our son is spoilt. That his behavior is 20% his condition and 80% bad raising on my part. She was furious because son kept crying that he only wanted mum because I'm the only one who understands him and he begged them not to call his dad. I told her I'm not responsible for his relationship with dad. That its hard to expect anything else since my husband doesn't spend time with him, is hardly ever home and he only keeps reprimanding him and complaining at his behavior while playing with our daughter, hugging her and telling her how much he loves her. I told her I'm also struggling and son is not an angel with me, but I'm trying my best. She then screamed that she doesn't blame my husband for being like this and that he should work more and spent less time with us. She also said that I HAVE TO change how I raise my son because he will grow up and beat me up. That I shouldn't ask his opinion on things. That when I tell him to do something and he asks why I should say because I told you so. That I shouldn't talk to him so much and I shouldn't follow the advice that son's psychologist is giving me because she's not the one raising him and dealing with him. She also admitted that while away, my son hit his cousins and she spanked him and he said it didn't hurt. And this excuse for a grandma then said she took a tree branch and hit my son with it. I saw red. Didn't want to argue so I got up to go for a smoke to cool off. She then screamed STOP. GET BACK HERE. I'M TALKING TO YOU. I said I'm going for a smoke because I'm angry and don't want to say too much or argue. She then continued to scream at me and saying to come back and listen to her. I ignored her and went for a smoke. My husband was sat down during this conversation and didn't say anything the whole time. He just kept nodding at her words. This was a fuse in my relationship with husband. I was hurt because he never stands up to his parents. Because if I stand up to them, he's mad at me because "I don't respect them". Because he's more invested in his relationship with his parents than with me and our kids. The atmosphere in our house was tight for a few weeks and shit hit the fan after a while. He was drunk and started to unload on me for going to my future SIL's hen party and leaving the kids with him (I went away for 36 hours for the first time since we've had kids. The only other time I went away was before I was pregnant our daughter to my grandmothers funeral because my husband decided to stay with our son last minute since he was developing a fever). He said many many hurtful things implicating I'm a bad mother. Was very aggressive and intimidating. I packed up my things the next day and went to stay with my sister. When I was safely at her house with the kids I let him know I was leaving him. I refused to answer his phone calls since he was drunk and I knew that because I kept in touch with his grandmother. The next day I let him speak to our son and sent him pics of the children. He asked to come over to talk things out and I agreed. We talked in the car. He admitted he was wrong for his behavior, apologised. He said what's been bugging him, I said what's been bugging me. We agreed that I'll take a few more days to think things through. Finally we had a long conversation and I agreed to try and work things out on the condition that he puts more effort into our relationship and his relationship with our son and puts me and the children first instead of his parents. We came back. That's when his parents announced to husband that they're mad at me and won't talk to me anymore. Why? Because I left. And they won't talk to me until I apologise. I have to admit, my husband kept his promise. He told them I have nothing to apologise to them for. Me leaving doesn't have anything to do with them and I won't be apologising. He was furious when telling me about it. Soon after they were organising a birthday party for husbands uncle and MIL said that she's inviting us all but if I have half a mind I won't come. Husband said in that case not to expect him either. MIL said to at least bring the kids over and he agreed. He didn't end up taking them, because our daughters nurse called that morning to say that she'll be over in the afternoon and I said I'm not comfortable with him leaving the kids with inlaws once the party is in full mode because his family will be drunk and loud by then (they're known to get drunk on occassions like this). He agreed. A few days later MIL asked to take husband and kids to a botanical garden for mothers day or at least the kids, but then corrected herself and said that she would only want to take our son since she can't take care of our daughter (it's not complicated. MIL keeps saying she needs to learn since daughter was born but never showed any interest in learning. Daughter is 2 now and she doesn't put any effort in learning how to take care of her, she also doesn't put any effort to learn how to deal with our son or learning anything about Aspergers. She expects our son to bend his behavior towards her expectations, instead of finding ways to find a common language with him). Husband said he'll think about it. I objected. It's mothers day, I want to spend time with my kids. My husband is welcome to go. They didn't go. Since then MIL coincidentally only insists that husband comes over with the children at dates that are significant to me. Husband takes the children over to them so they can spend time with them on normal dates, that don't interfere with our plans. Yesterday husband said SIL was complaining that its been ages since we've spent time as a family with inlaws. That I should apologise and end this feud. She said she jumped at FIL and hit him and apologised and its all good, so she's sure that things will go back to normal if I apologise. He said that I don't have to apologise but should go over with him and show that I'm willing to end this. The thing is I'm not. It's a few years of built up anger spilling over and me taking a stand for the first time. I refuse to be treated like this. I refuse to be the hated DIL, just because I have different views while BIL's wife assaulted FIL gave a half assed apology and she's back to being their favourite DIL. I refuse to let them treat our kids worse because they don't like their mother. I refuse to bend over backwards to please them, while they treat me and my kids worse. I pointed out to husband that our neughbour has a better relationship with our daughter than MIL. That she's not scared and puts more effort to build a relationship with our daughter than his mother does. That his parents only complain and insist that HE comes over with the kids. That I'm not holding the kids hostage. She can come over and take the kids for a walk, she doesn't have to talk to me. That even when SIL assaulted FIL and they refused to speak to her, they still found a way to spend time with their kids, but can't do the same for our kids. I'm tired of this. I will not go over, I will not speak to them because if I do, it will be same as giving them permission for this treatment. I said they don't have to like me, but should respect that I'm his wife and the mother of his children. That even if they don't like me, our children are their grandchildren and they should treat our kids better and most importantly put our kids first over any arguments or feuds that they have with me. We deserve better and I'm taking a stand for me and my children. He dropped it for now but I know he will try to convince me to end this again.

So I was mostly NC with both of my nparents. I'm 40, married, employed, living the good life.
I switch jobs and I say something on LinkedIn about my nparents criticizing me for not making enough money. Two months pass, and the day after my birthday I get a text from my nDad saying that he felt hurt that I would post publicly that he had criticized my jobs and my earnings. He says he can't remember doing either of those things.
I don't really know why, but I went off on him. He'd had us share a bed right before I went off to college and the incident so scared the shit out of me that I couldn't remember it for several years. The whole hashtag MeToo thing went around and at that time I couldn't even remember that I had my own story about it, and that story involved my nDad. In the text he said something about what my perception of him was.
Oh. And he said that he'd forgotten it.
And I went off about sharing that bed, and how my perception of him is that he is a predator. I didn't tell him that I'd repressed the memory, I told him that I'd kept it secret because I thought it was a way to earn his love. But when I got back from college he acted like he couldn't remember the differences between me and my sister. He couldn't remember that I'd loved him and she'd hated him, that I was his and she was Mom's. I'd sold my effing soul over that, and compromised myself and felt filthy, and he couldn't remember that it was me and not her who did it.
My sister's the Golden Child. Also a bit of a Teflon Don. Nothing bad sticks to her.
So since I'd finally come out and said that to nDad I had to text nMom and say that I'd never slept with nDad, whatever she thought I'd done that was improper, I hadn't done. Whatever she thought I'd done that would explain her treating me like I was a serial killer or whatever, I had not done. She replied that she had only ever treated me with unconditional love and forgiveness.
For the record, I haven't done anything that required forgiveness, all of the serial killer stuff was in her head.
I said what about this incident and that one, how did she explain how she treated me?
And pure amnesia on her part followed. She claims she can't remember how she treated me or the kinds of things she did to me. What nDad did may have been grooming, but what she did was just ordinary abuse.
No, she didn't think that I had slept with nDad. Even when I told her that he'd insisted on sharing a bed she said that he must have done it just to be frugal.
(She used to make comments about my having sexual relations with nDad all of the time when I reached puberty. She also made comments about how her father had raped her when she was a teen, though I don't know if it really happened or if it was just her playing the victim card and being some kind of super-feminist. By the time I was born my maternal grandfather just didn't talk when nMom brought my sister and me to visit. My grandmother talked, and was pretty normal, but my grandfather pretended that none of us were there. No acknowledgement, no eye contact, nothing. We could say something to him and he wouldn't reply. I never saw him speak to other people either.
The man was a dentist in the urban southern USA. Not a dental surgeon, but an orthodontist and regular dentist. Could he have done that if he were so autistic that he refused to speak to anyone? Maybe he switched it on and off when he was at work. But nMom inferred that he raped her after her biological mother had died, and that my uncle knew, and her aunt who later married my grandfather also knew and put a stop to it.)
I asked her what about the times she had yelled at me and accused me of things in public and in front of my friends, to drive them away? She couldn't remember. What about the time she told the police that it was probably me who robbed her business even though I'd moved out by then and she didn't know where I was? Couldn't remember. Those times that she'd slashed my tires? Couldn't remember. Coming to my wedding with her friend and not admitting which one of them was my mother? And causing a scene and crying, and then leaving without even seeing me? Couldn't remember.
Between nMom not remembering and nDad not remembering, I'm not sure which is worse. Also I feel as though it's a trap. They want reconciliation before they die and they think if they just claim not to remember anything that I will go along with it to get whatever is left of their estate, or closure, or...something. They just want me to come back so they can subject me to the same carrot-and-stick things that they used to back when I lived with them.
I suppose they also want closure in that they want to hear that my life is wretched and that they were right about how I'd turn out. nDad is especially keen to hear that my husband is abusing me...but it's not my husband who is abusing me, my sister's husband abused her and then they got a divorce. (Really the abuse was mostly coming from her.) But he says he can't remember differences between the two of us.
It could be early dementia. It could have been a stroke. Or it could just be my nDad being a manipulative shit again because that's what he does. We're not reconciling. I'm not going to risk my marriage. nDad would try to get me to get a divorce too, and I don't know how he would do it, but I can't risk it. He will try to make it so that I'm not doing as well as my sister because he thinks that's how the world ought to be, and I was a fool to think I could earn anything like love from either of my nparents. They don't have the capacity.

{THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS THE FOLLOWING: Existential dread, emotional moments, romance, and a singular phrase which could be seen as suggestive depending on how dirty your mind is. ;) }
(Any sentences or phrases wrapped with brackets "[ ]" are designated as inner monologue!)
Thank you to u/SpacePaladin15 for creating this wonderful literary universe!
< First Previous Next >
Memory transcription subject: James Willik, Human Historian
Date [standardized human time]: July 15, 2165
“Umm. Sooo, isn’t the universe only around 14 billion years old?”
“You would be correct.” The scientist’s expression showed that he was as dumbfounded as I was. “I should add that the highest number that any of our new dating devices can go is to around 20 billion, it is entirely possible that the artifact could be even older than we can detect.”
[What the fuck.]
A shrill voice from my left shook me out of my stupor. I looked to my side to see Lemva standing out of her seat, her tail lashing angrily. “Is this some elaborate joke? That isn’t possible. What you’re saying isn’t possible.” President Zhao began to speak. “I am fully aware how frankly nonsensical this is sounding, but this is serious and we need to approach this with an open mind. The Federation rated this item as a danger to the entire galaxy for a reason. We have no idea what we’re dealing with here and with something that could pose this much danger that is not acceptable.” Lemva suddenly spat with a ferocity I haven’t heard in a long time. Her anger frightened me not just because of her abnormal behavior and proximity, but also because of the recipient of her anger.
“You are aware that what you’re saying undermines everything we know about existence, right? Are you aware of that? Do you have any idea how INSANE this is sounding? You’re telling us, US, a couple of unqualified nobody misfit historians, that we’re somehow prophesied by this magical indestructible artifact that existed before time to do… something? AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT SOMETHING IS?! You just expect us to take this sitting down? Uh-uh, no, I’m not accepting this.” I tapped the table gently to get her attention, she snapped one of her orange eyes at me in response, I could barely get out what I was going to say in fear of her. “Maybe we shouldn’t yell at President Zhao?” I squeaked my suggestion at her. She just smoldered at me.
Lemva quickly pushed her chair backward and power-walked through the doors of the conference room, the force from her slamming the door rattled its hinges. I sometimes forget how strong she is, perks of evolving on such a high gravity planet I suppose. I glance at my remaining two partners and they are just as shaken as me. We all slowly look back at Zhao in fear of his response to Lemva’s attitude. Zhao still looked calm, so that’s good, but his posture indicated exhaustion.
“You three can leave for now, I’ll schedule another meeting for tomorrow once she’s settled down. If you could talk to her, that would be greatly appreciated.” Zhao started to rise from his seat but paused momentarily. “Oh I forgot to mention, you’ve been granted access to the guest residence wing. Lars, hand them their cards please.” A large man walked around and passed us our cards, handing me a second one presumably for Lemva. “The suite’s code on the tram is S29. You’re dismissed.”
Cayek, Tassak, and I quickly hurried out of the room to catch up with the furious venlil. Thankfully she hadn’t gone far, and was just waiting at the tram. We approached her quietly, none of us having the courage to start a conversation. She barely acknowledged us as we drew closer. I steeled myself to initiate contact but to my surprise she decided to do it first. “We’re leaving. Fuck this, they expect us to just accept that everything we know is wrong? They can take their invitations and shove them up their asses.” I gathered the courage to respond to her.
“I’ve never seen you this angry before. Talk to me.” She sighed, seeming to deflate as she did. Most of her anger melted off of her and left defeat in its place. “I need some time, I don’t have the energy right now.” “Alright, that’s ok. Before we left the conference room, we were handed keycards to the suite. Zhao said that we could stay there for a while.
Lemva looked up at my face with an eye. The happy glint she usually carried in her eyes was replaced with a dull feeling of hopelessness. “Okay.” I gently placed a hand on her shoulder. She answered my request to hug her before I had even asked. She buried the side of her head into my chest. We sat there for a few seconds, and it felt good, but all good things had to come to an end eventually. I silently guided her into the tram, Cayek and Tassak following close behind. The doors closed and I typed in the code for our suite, S29. The tram took off and winded through a maze of hidden tunnels before arriving at our destination.
Exiting the tram, we came to a closed set of heavy fake wooden doors with a keycard reader to the side. I swiped my card and the hidden locks on the doors clicked several times, before the doors swung open. [Wow. This is a really nice room.]
I guided Lemva onto a nearby sofa and marched into the gargantuan kitchen provided to us in order to prepare some coffee for her. As I waited for the coffee machine to finish, I saw Cayek and Tassak exploring their new surroundings. Cayek walked around and admired the luxurious artistry that permeated the space, while Tassak… Tassak poked at various objects as if she had never seen them before. She reminded me of a curious child. She accidentally tore a hole in a chair with her claw before hastily trying to hide the damage with a very obviously out of place pillow.
The coffee machine sputtered the last few drops of liquid ambrosia into Lemva’s mug and I hurried over to where she was sitting. I placed the warm cup into her paws and sat beside her. For several minutes we watched some TV on the large screen across from us. Lemva leaned more into my shoulder the longer we sat there. Tassak and Cayek had gone to their rooms by now. After watching 8 episodes of the ninety-seventh season of The Simpsons, she had calmed down.
I looked down at her. “Are you ready to talk now?” She nodded. “Mhm.” “Ok, do you wanna tell me why you got so angry during the conference?” She frowned slightly. “Everything they were saying… the artifact, I just…” She stopped for a moment to gather her words. “If what they said was true, and the artifact is from before the universe, and it depicts us… that implies so much. If what they said is true, then whoever made the artifact could see the future. If they could see the future, that means fate exists. If fate exists, then that means that everything I’ve ever done, everything that we’ve ever done, was meaningless. I mean, all my struggles, all my successes, for no reason.” She looked up at me and I could tell she could see my confusion.
“If you were playing a game, and every action you took did absolutely nothing to change the end result, but the whole time you thought that they did, wouldn’t it hurt to realize in the middle of a round that your input is entirely meaningless and changes nothing? But then, if you look at it another way, there’s the idea that you’re not even really alive, that you’re just a machine going through the motions. The idea that everything you were, are, and will be, every action you take, every thought you think, every emotion you feel is just a set of directions and ideas set to play out for the rest of eternity, that you’re just a couple words on a page to be read…”
I had no idea how to respond to that. I was never all too good at imagining such high-brow philosophical concepts, and I’ve always been even worse at handling the emotions of others, so wrap the two up into a depressing little veggie wrap and you’ve got me stumped. I did the only thing I could think to do at that moment. I wrapped my arms around her and placed my chin on her forehead. She snuggled into my body. I hadn’t felt this much comfort for a long, long time.
“Y’know… after I dropped contact those few years ago, I always wanted to send you a message, tell you I miss you, tell you why I stopped contacting, those sorts of things. But I never did. Because I was afraid.” I lifted my chin off Lemva’s head and she looked up at my face. I stared down back at her. “What were you afraid of?” She asked me in a soft voice. “Lots of things. I was afraid of explaining what happened, the “incident” was too recent to talk about. I was afraid that you’d hate me for disappearing, and the fear only got worse the longer time went. But mostly…” I inhaled sharply as I prepared myself. “I was afraid you’d betray me.” Lemva’s eyes held a puzzled and pained expression.
“I didn’t tell you who killed my parents, only that someone did. Soon after I was born, my father went into the venlil exchange program and met a venlil named Draton. They became friends almost immediately, or at least, Draton pretended to become friends.” Malice filled my voice as I talked about the scum who murdered my family. “I loved him growing up, almost as much as my parents, for a while he was like, my third favorite person in the world. He was like an uncle to me and a sibling to my parents.” I gulped and looked away. “Hopefully it should be obvious what I’m saying he did.” I took a shuddering breath and looked deep into Lemva’s eyes. “I was terrified that another loved one would turn out to be a monster. I was terrified that you would turn out to be a monster.”
I closed my eyes and mustered all the courage I could manage and called upon every deity from every religion I could remember or had even heard of in passing. I opened my eyes and placed my hands gently on the sides of Lemva’s head. She didn’t resist. “Alright… this is my greatest secret yet. I’ve been so scared to tell you but I can’t keep holding it in anymore, I need you to know.” Lemva held her breath.
“I love you Lemva, I’ve loved you since we first hung out in history club, I loved you when you cheered and hopped around at our graduation, I loved you when you talked so enthusiastically about your job. I always have, and I always will, love you.” I could feel my face burning as blood rushed through my cheeks. Lemva had it even worse though, her face was more orange than the fruit the color was named after. Her eyes were so wide I could barely see her irises anymore.
Tears formed in her eyes, but I could tell right away that these weren’t tears of sadness. The goofiest and cutest smile I had ever seen in my life quickly formed on her little face. She squeaked at me in delight. “You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear you say that.” She reached up, grabbed my hands, and squeezed them tight. I could feel her tail wrap around my back, a gentle force guided me closer to her. “You sure you wanna do this?”
“I’ve been around humans all my life, I know what a kiss is, dummy.” She whispered amusedly. We closed our eyes and embraced for the first time. All my worries, fears, and doubts melted away and drained off of my mind like meltwater off a cliff as we sat there basking in each other’s warmth.
We separated our faces and stared at each other. The happy glint in her beautiful orange eyes had returned brighter than I had ever seen it before. We sat staring for what seemed like forever, I had forgotten that a world existed beyond this sofa. I looked up at an antique clock mounted on the wall and waited a moment as my implant translated the extraterrestrial time-keeping system into a familiar 12-hour format. 8PM. Almost as if in response to my realization of the time, a wave of exhaustion crashed into me like a rogue space freighter. I wanted so desperately to stay here cuddled with Lemva for the rest of my life, but alas, sleep deprivation is a cruel mistress.
“Lem, it’s 8pm, we gotta get some sleep if we’re gonna attend the conference tomorrow.” “Awww, a couple more minutes? Pleeeeeeeease?” “I know this is really comfy and I know you don’t wanna think about ‘the object’ but we’ve got to do it.” I could tell she was still uncomfortable thinking about the implication that even the mention of the artifact carried with it, and we still would need to talk that through, but for now at least, she wasn’t having an existential crisis.
We untangled ourselves, rose off the sofa, and headed toward our rooms. But Lemva suddenly halted in the middle of the hallway. I spun around to see why she stopped. She looked down at the ground and rubbed her paws together like she does when she’s nervous, her face was an almost neon orange, miraculously managing to be even more vibrant than before. She wore a bashful smile on her face. “Is something wrong?” “no… I was just wondering, could I sleep in your room for tonight?” “Sure. Why, is there something wrong?”
“No… there’s just… something I’ve been wanting to try…”
“Wha- oh.”
“Oh.”
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(I think I've got a hang of the reddit formatting now. However, advice and critiques of the way the story is told are still very welcome.)

Throwaway account for obvious reasons. When I (female) was 15-16 I had my first serious relationship with a guy. It got sexual quite quick, we had agreed to wait 6 months before doing it so we knew we were comfortable as it would be both our first times. However, a month in he calls me and says he's looking at condoms and doesn't know what size. I'm confused at this point but don't say anything because I was too nervous so I just say pick whatever. When he gets back to his (I was staying the weekend and stayed at his while he went to the shop) and immediately says do you want to try them out. I ask about the 6 momth deal and he reasures me that he's ready so I feel pressured to say yes not wanting to seem frigid. It was painful and I bled and I felt regret soon after he finished which was very fast. I felt too shy to say anything because I didn't want him to leave me for saying no. After that sex kind of became a way to get his attention. He would play on his Xbox all night with his mates after I'd tarveled an hour on the train to see him. I would be crying in his bed. He used to say how if we just did it quick we could cuddle and do whatever I wanted. I gave my consent, I felt used but I just wanted to spend time with him and this was the only way. Then one weekend he comes over to mine. He didn't bring any condoms and I wasn't on the pill so we knew to not have sex. We ended up making out, he got on top and I felt he was excited. I could feel him rubbing himself against me which I was fine with, he then goes under my trousers. Then he starts to unbutton my trouserrs and pull his shorts down. He kind of holds my hand above my head and I can feel him rubbing against me with nothing between us now. I told him to stop and we can't do anything without protection. He says I'll just put the tip in and at this point I'm panicking. He puts it in and I immediately try to pull away but he's on top and I can't do anything. I'm 5"7 and he's 6"3 for reference, he was a big build so I had no chance of getting him off me. He then fully inserted himself, and after that it was a blur, I just remember trying my best to pull him out of me. He ended up just going faster and it was hurting because he was doing it so hard. It was traumatic just the way he was doing it, like I wasn't even a real person just something to get him off . Eventually he gets off and immediately he makes it seem like I was unreasonably. He would very often say how he would get "blue balled" and used this as an excuse to do it because it was "too uncomfortable". I felt so used and was terrified I'd get pregnant because I didn't know if he finished or not. I ended up missing my period that month (wich has never happened and has never happened since) and I was terrified. I went to my best friend and told her I need to take a test but I had no money. I took as test, on the brink of tears terrified and thankfully it wa negative. But after that I felt guilt after every time we had sex. I don't know if it was rape as he was my boyfriend and I didn't fight him off me. My family was home and I didn't want them to come up to see what was happening. So was this rape?? I don't know if it was. He ended up cheating on me and leaving me for her a couple months later, whivh made me feel so worthless and used so idk if I'm playing it up in my head. But it's been 5 years now and I still don't know. I'm sorry if this isn't the right sub for this, I'd just like some closure.

I F (23) have been in a relationship with my 24 year old boyfriend for 4 almost 5 years. For the past two weeks or so we've been really going through it to the point where it feels like the relationship might have to end but I need some advice here in whether this is actually a reason to end a relationship or not. So, my boyfriend works a lot to the point where he's doing doubles almost everyday and I don't really get to see him until I get up to get ready for work and even then it's like 5 minutes before he has to leave because he wakes up earlier than I do. He'd been working really late for like a week or so and we were finally able to see each other on Sunday.
When we both woke up he said he wanted to talk to me about something so I said alright what is it and he said he'd decided to adopt one of his friends kids (basically be a step dad to it) and I was just confused as to what he had told me because In my mind a decision like that should've been brought up with me as well. He tells me he did it because the child's grandma and the child itself had told him if he could be her stepdad or that she saw him as a dad. Now, this child has three parents including the birth mother, her actual dad and her dad's new wife. So I really don't understand why she would need yet another parent? These past two weeks, my boyfriend had been coming home extremely late which meant I was not seeing him at all, not even on weekends.
I talked to him and told him that I didn't think he should be spending this much time over at the child's house considering I don't get to see him at all and there's people at her house that can take care of her. Once or twice a week I understand but for him to be gone the whole week makes no sense. Yesterday was his only day off and he still decided to go over and spend almost the entire day meaning I was once again stuck at home by myself. He keeps getting upset about me telling him he needs to make time for me too but I'm just trying to make a point which I think is valid. Not only did he not discuss this with me but he doesn't make any time for me now. It's taken such a tremendous toll on our relationship and for it to have happened in a week or two is crazy.
TL;DR Boyfriend of 4-5 years made the decision to adopt one of his friends child even though this child has three parents in its life already. Boyfriend made the decision because the grandma asked and so did the child. Ever since this has been done girlfriend doesn't see him at all anymore and boyfriend doesn't seem to think or understand that he doesn't always have to be at child's house when child is 12 and has other parents that can watch her. Basically pushing girlfriend aside and not making time because of child.

I thought I’d bunch together absolutely every helpful article, post, video, comment, quote, etc. that has helped me gain hope during some of my darkest times. OCD is a bitch, and Real Event is a hell I would wish on nobody. Hang in there, every single one of you deserves happiness <33 And I mean you! The one that thinks they are uniquely different, I’m talking to you too! Also, it’s important to remember that recovery is not linear - you will have bad days, but you will also have days where you wonder why you were so worried as if ocd has given you a break for once.
Disclaimer: Please try not to use these resources compulsively, only read them when you're in the right headspace. I have very much been guilty of doing this, but just know that it won't give you any more certainty or clarity about the event (even if it might feel so for a minute, it will wear off). When you feel the urge to read an article, watch a video, or read a comment for reassurance, or for some sort of "answer", respond differently. don't let your ocd win. It will feel like all you need is just to read that one article and you'll be cured! but nope, I compulsively did this hundreds of times and it never ever worked. You are stronger than what your thoughts are telling you.
Additionally, not all of these are written by licensed professionals, so do not use this as a substitute for therapy. A lot of the posts I have linked are from people like you and me, who are just sharing what has helped them personally; something that worked for them may not work for you. This is simply an educational post for those who may not have found many resources on this theme yet.
I hope this helps <3 I will also be adding more to this as time goes along! And if there are any additional resources I can add please let me know :)

Articles/Blogs

• Turning Point Psychology: Real Event OCD and 10 Steps to Getting Better (Examples of obsessions, compulsions, and helpful tips for getting better)
• OCD Specialists: Real Event OCD (Ways it can manifest, why this is an OCD issue, some cognitive distortions etc.)
• Living With OCD: Don't Dwell on the Past (Live Mindfully) (Choosing to live mindfully and in the present moment)
• California OCD: Dealing With Real Event OCD Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 (An overview, self-help tips, related themes, self-compassion)
• The Debilitating Type of OCD You Probably Haven't Heard Of (Incredibly helpful if you need to explain to a loved one what you're going through without all the graphic details. This blog post sums things up perfectly in a way that someone without OCD would be able to understand)

Reddit Posts/Comments

Tips & Helpful, Quick Ideas

• 10 helpful tips for Real Event OCD (Things to remember, and perspectives you may not have considered before)
• More helpful tips for Real Event OCD (Following on from the previous post)
• Quick and Helpful Tips (Good to consider for OCD overall, not just specifically Real Event)
• Tips for dealing with Real Event OCD (Includes self-help ideas, such as realising nobody can be 100% perfect)

Compulsion-Focused Content

• Document of Mental Compulsions (Another one for OCD in general - very helpful resource for identifying some compulsions you may not have recognised as compulsions before)
• Things To Remember About Compulsive Googling (This one is difficult to stop, but it's really important to cut out this compulsion. Spoiler: You won't find the answer you crave)

Reminders & Short Posts

• Questions Real Event OCD throws at you, and their answers (Can help with responding differently)
• A Short Reminder for Everyone Suffering (Not a reassurance post, just another helpful reminder)
• A Reminder About Ruminating (Another thing that is so crucial to cut out as much as you can. I know it's so difficult though when it's so automatic)
• Letting go of the need to be "good" (TLDR; It is ok to be flawed)
• Things to remember with Real Event OCD (This was a very useful reminder of reality for me at my worst)

Self-Help Guides & ERP

• Living with Uncertainty (A user's account of how they have coped with this theme)
• Doing ERP for Real Event OCD (Be careful when doing ERP without the guidance of a professional, but if you don't have the resources then this can be helpful for ideas of where to start)
• Additional ideas for writing and practising ERP scripts (Helpful for breaking down the ERP process if you're wanting to start it alone - remember not to jump straight in the deep end with your most triggering exposures)
• Putting Real Event OCD in Its Place (A user's guide of how they got through this theme)

Youtube Resources

• OCD and Anxiety / Nathan Peterson (The perfect channel for everything OCD-related. Nathan has genuinely been such a god-send throughout my recovery)
  • Real Event OCD: What it Looks Like (Overview, examples of obsessions, compulsions, cognitive distortions, and how ERP can look for this theme)
  • 10 Treatment Tips for Real Event OCD (This is a narrated version of the Turning Point Psychology article I mentioned earlier)
  • Removing Guilt from OCD (Since guilt is very prominent in Real Event, this can be helpful to watch)
  • OCD Does Not Like Living in the Present (Why living in the present is so important)
  • Cancel Culture & OCD (Why OCD thrives on the idea of cancel culture. I know this is such a huge fear for many of us with Real Event)
  • Stop Ruminating with OCD (One of the biggest compulsions with Real Event, it's so important to stop this in its tracks)
  • 3 ways to fight Moral Scrupulosity OCD (I know this isn't explicitly Real Event-related but I still feel like this is a must-watch for everyone struggling. OCD loves to latch onto morally ambiguous events, and this video goes through some great points regarding morality and OCD)
• Chrissie Hodges (One of the kindest souls I've found on Youtube. She creates no-bullshit videos on OCD, and really addresses the taboo side of OCD that isn't often spoken about. Please go check her out)
  • Am I A Monster Because of Childhood Experiences? (This helped me so unbelievably much with putting my event into perspective. It's massively important to listen to what she says about taking only what applies to you and leaving the rest)
  • OCD and Memories (Touches on False Memory and the links with Real Event)
• Mark Freeman (Great source for OCD-related content overall)
  • What if the Obsession is About Something I Really Did? (Light-hearted and humourous video about Real Event, gives some really great tips)
  • OCD and False / Real Memories (How to put Real Event and False Memories into perspective with a banana)
• OCD The Bug In My Brain (Another great helpful channel for OCD-related content)
  • Number One Real Event OCD Tip (Essentially, why compulsive research will never change the past and won't help you see the future)
  • OCD Makes Mountains Out of Molehills (Talking about how OCD will always make things seem worse, no matter what it was, even if it was a bad thing)

Quotes

• "What matters is that whenever there is something in our life that was maybe incorrect or wrong, maybe we shouldn't have done. What we're supposed to do is learn from these experiences. Our brain corrects itself and says, oh, don't do that again next time. That's why the guilt or shame is there; it's supposed to teach you not to do it again. But what OCD does is it attacks this. It grabs right onto it and says, this is a big deal, there's nothing to learn from it, you need to feel guilty forever. It's our job to teach your brain that that is so incorrect."[From Nathan Peterson's self-directed "Master Your OCD" course]
• "Even if it was a mistake that was last week, even if it was a mistake 20 years ago, it doesn't matter. what matters is that you're living life today and, today, do you need to relive that experience? Is there a reason for it? We have to retrain your brain to say, sorry, this is in the past, time for you to go away."[From Nathan Peterson's self-directed "Master Your OCD" course]
• "Every time you react to this experience that you had in the past, you're telling your brain that it still has value, that it still matters."[From Nathan Peterson's self-directed "Master Your OCD" course]
• "The answer...? Who knows? Who cares? You didn't until your ocd latched onto it, you remembered it like any other memory. Maybe you will never know. Maybe it will bother you forever, maybe it won't bother you forever. You did something, you won't do it again, MOVE ON! YOU WILL NEVER KNOW!"[A personal lil reminder I wrote for myself]
• "You cannot think your way through a fear."[Nathan Peterson]

"But what if my event was actually bad? Surely none of this applies to me!"

Please read this comment. OCD will strive to make you feel like you are the worst person on earth, no matter what your event was. Even if it was something horrible, you're dealing with OCD now, and you're living in the present day. What you're obsessing over now is just a blip in time, and you've grown enough as a person to look back and say that wasn't the best decision.

[Question:] The UNO, America, Britain, in fact the entire western media accuse the Taliban of violating the rights of women; of banning them from jobs, of ordering them to observe 'Purdah'. The Taliban are also accused of depriving women of their right to education.
[Answer:] The basic question here is what are the rights of women and who will determine them.
If the women's rights have been determined and fixed by Allah Ta`ala, if these rights have been given to the women by Allah Ta`ala Himself, then what the Taliban are doing seems perfectly right. The rights granted by then are fully in accordance with the orders of Allah Ta`ala. On the other hand if women have been given their rights by the West, if the right to determine what these rights are lies with America, Europe, Britain, the United Nations then admittedly the Taliban are in the wrong.
Now we are Muslims. The Taliban are Muslims. The people of Afghanistan are Muslims. All of us firmly believe that neither do we acknowledge the rights given to women by the West, nor are we bound by them. People who agree to these rights are welcome to respect them. But people who do not acknowledge the western-bestowed rights at all, to force them into obeying them, to complain against their attitude, to accuse them of not giving these rights to their women, seems to be entirely absurd and stupid. Either that or it would be coercion, oppression in its basest form. It would be denial of their freedom denial of their religious rights. And this is in itself against the principles of the West.
An explanation of the sum and substance of all these allegations is that Islam has put all the responsibility of a woman's upkeep upon the man. If a man is not capable of paying a woman's 'Mahr', (dower), of bearing her expenses then his marriage is not valid. The course of his married life comes to an end. If the husband dies, the women has a right to remarry so that the new husband may bear her expenses, or she can go back to her parents who are responsible for her livelihood. Along with it Islam has made a woman heir of her parent's wealth, as well as heir to the estate of her husband. She is the heir to her children's property too. This has been done so to make ample provisions for a woman. Contrary to this the men in the West have made women an object of their lust and desires. They have used them how soever they pleased. When these slaves-of their-desires had to go to work, to offices and factories they dragged the women along with them too. Women were made to work in offices, restaurants, shops and factories for the gratification of their desires. In this way did the western man destroy the personality, position and identity of a woman.
In Thailand, Holland, Bangkok etc. women so unashamedly, with such pride solicit made attention in markets, in open public places, like men in Pakistan and Afghanistan sell their wares sitting by the roadside. Then the ignominy of it all is that at night these women ask each other how much they have "earned" during the day or night. The poor, wretched western house-wife is not sure whether her husband will return home to her or spend the night in another woman's arms.
The women in the West are labouring under a double burden. One, she is torn by anxiety as to who will look after her in case she remains unmarried, for her culture has deprived her of her right of a share in the property and wealth of her parents, nor is anyone else willing to take on her responsibility. She is thus forced to wander from door to door in search of security. Even in the matter of dress she is exploited. Men wear trousers which cover their ankles too while the women are forced to wear skirts with their legs bare in every kind of weather. In the scantiest of dresses-merely a sleeveless blouse and mini-skirt the western woman can be seen roaming in shops, air-ports, stations etc. She is an target for unscrupulous men who satisfy their lust with them, wherever, whenever, howsoever they please. She has become no less than a b[*]tch, chased by a dozen dogs in heat. If these are the rights of the western women then the West is welcome to them.
What about the eastern or rather the Muslim woman? A Muslim woman is the queen of her house, a princess of the society. Her role is that of a mother, sister, daughter, grandmother and aunt. A man with the sweat of his brow fulfils her needs of food and shelter. He fiercely protects her honour, dignity and chastity. A Muslim man firmly believes that a husband and wife's relation is a one to one relationship. One who interferes in it does so at the risk of his life, for he would be challenging the man's honour.
I ask the western people, specially the UN why, when their women enjoy all kinds of rights, every kind of freedom, do they stop them from going about in the nude in shopping places etc.? Why have they made it necessary for them to cover the upper and lower parts of their bodies with at least two pieces of cloth, as human dignity and civilization demand? This means that the West, the UN admit to code of at least one percent decency for men and women. Now if a nation, as a nation, as a Muslim nation believes in ninety-nine percent decency and honour of women then what right does the West have to criticize it? After all it admits to one percent decency too.
In the end I would like to make an entreaty to Europe too. I would like to ask the Europeans why they are bent upon making other people suffer from that which is the cause of their own suffering? The thing which has destroyed them why are they forcing it upon other people? Your Parliament passes a bill which makes it legal for a man to marry another man, for a son-in-law to marry his wife's mother, i.e. his mother-in-law. Why do you compel us to do the same?
As far as the question is concerned that the women in Kabul have been banned from jobs with no one to look after them, so how will they survive, the answer is that the Taliban have made provisions for them. They have told all women who were working in offices etc. to stay at home and they will receive their entire salary there. There is no need for them to work any longer. Their salaries will be continued. Now if in-spite of this someone creates an uproar that women's rights are being violated, he is actually trying to spread immorality. He is not concerned with the rights of women but wants to propagate prostitution in fact.
Then, who really are these working women and where have they come from? One must go and find out for, Afghani women do work in their own homes but not in offices. And another thing, an Afghani woman may belong to any area, Purdah is inherent in her nature. Purdah is a vital part of Afghan culture; it is its national identity. Now the woman who are demanding freedom from Purdah, right to employment, the women for whose rights the UNO is making such demand, they do not in fact belong to Afghanistan at all but have come from somewhere else. They belong to Tajikistan, Russia and Iran. They have some to Afghanistan with the specific purpose of destroying its environment. Under a well-thought out plan they are working upon undermining the influence of Islamic values.
Then, who really are these working women and where have they come from? One must go and find out for, Afghani women do work in their own homes but not in offices. And another thing, an Afghani woman may belong to any area, Purdah is inherent in her nature. Purdah is a vital part of Afghan culture; it is its national identity. Now the woman who are demanding freedom from Purdah, right to employment, the women for whose rights the UNO is making such demand, they do not in fact belong to Afghanistan at all but have come from somewhere else. They belong to Tajikistan, Russia and Iran. They have some to Afghanistan with the specific purpose of destroying its environment. Under a well-thought out plan they are working upon undermining the influence of Islamic values.
Then among these women demanding rights of employment, are those too who are linked with the Communists in Afghanistan. They went to Moscow, learned all the vices there ad came back, bent upon destroying the Islamic environment of Afghanistan. They were officially appointed for this work. If this is not so, then where are the widows of the 1.6 million Shuhada who died in the Jihaad against Russia? Out of the 1.6 million there must still be at least 0.3 million, alive. What happened to these women? Who is looking after them? Why didn't the UN raise its voice for their rights? Weren't they human beings? Or didn't they need food to stay alive?
The fact is that these widows were Muslims and Muslim men are taking care of them. Either they were given in second marriages or their parents brothers or relatives are looking after in accordance with the laws of Sharee`ah. Their lives are safe and so is their honour.
The women who were living in Kabul mostly belonged to Communists, Mulhideen, and heretics, who enjoyed the patronage of the UN. The leaders sent their husbands to the front, into the mouth of death. They then called these beautiful women and appointed them as, sweepresses in their offices and satisfied their lust with them. The fault thus lies with the UN itself. The rights it gave these women were those of sweeping the offices of lecherous officials. Their responsibility now totally lies with the UN whose charter it is to protect the rights of women in this degraded, shameful fashion.
As far as education is concerned, Islam has given women the right to acquire education and we will certainly give them this right. At present the Taliban are busy in fighting a war, a war demanding all their energies and resources. As soon as they war comes to an end they will make proper arrangements for the education of women. But it must be kept in mind that the Muslim girl will be educated in an Islamic Madrasah from which she will emerge as an epitome of honour and decency, grace and dignity personified.
The UN does not have the right to prescribe a course of studies for our women. The western world is welcome to provide its brand of education to its own women which casts their modesty out of the window, which fosters sexual relationship between men and women; an education in which are taught the etiquettes of drinking and dancing, of merry-making; an education which causes young girls to attain puberty well before their age, which bestows upon them the status of unmarried mothers well before they have completed their college education.
The saddest fact is that those professing to be highly civilized have they never pondered upon the meaning of "civilization"?
The British Parliament passes a law according to which 'gays' could marry each other, i.e. a man was allowed to marry another man. Next, another law was passed which allowed a man to marry his mother-in-law. He has in his marriage the daughter and the mother both! Curses be on such animals, damned be such swines. Whatever did happen to their humanity, to their sense of shame?
Copulation with dogs has become common in England. It is a usual custom to make dogs heirs to a legacy. It is said that the Satan Pope John Paul II wedded a man to a frog. Such dirty evil people then criticize the experts, the true followers of Islam-the Taliban!
"Ashamed of yourself, you aren't!" as the saying in Urdu goes.
[Source]

today i was on shift at work and i’d already been there 10 minutes over the time i was meant to be because it was so busy.
i decided to start cleaning to leave & i was in the back and such for about 30 minutes (irs about 5.40 now) when i was told a told a delivery had come through.
the stuff that bad been delivered needs to be frozen for
i had plans for 6.00 since my shift was to finish at 5.00 and really needed to leave which i told the chef (who speaks little english)
he asked me to count the stock
i counted the stock & then i continued doing my stuff
about 5.45 i went to the front and told the girls about the delivery
at 5.50 i told another girl i have plans for 6 and i’ve been here almost an hour waiting for my shift to finish
5.55 i leave
i get a text at 8.00 saying the stock is ruined because its not been put it away
i don’t know if it was ruined before i left or if it wasn’t put in the freezer at all
but i feel so guilty my stomach is twisting but i really needed to go since i was seeing my grandad who isn’t very well right now.
on one side i think we’ll there was 5 other people on shift with me why was it down to me only to put it away.. if even it was left maybe the 20/25 minutes it wouldn’t have been ruined (takes maybe 40-1hr to ruin)..
on the other i was asked (even though i said no i don’t think he understood)… my manager has messaged me and i said i did tell everyone but i feel really bad
my manager is really mad at me now

I thought I’d bunch together absolutely every helpful article, post, video, comment, quote, etc. that has helped me gain hope during some of my darkest times. OCD is a bitch, and Real Event is a hell I would wish on nobody. Hang in there, every single one of you deserves happiness <33 And I mean you! The one that thinks they are uniquely different, I’m talking to you too! Also, it’s important to remember that recovery is not linear - you will have bad days, but you will also have days where you wonder why you were so worried as if ocd has given you a break for once.
Disclaimer: Please try not to use these resources compulsively, only read them when you're in the right headspace. I have very much been guilty of doing this, but just know that it won't give you any more certainty or clarity about the event (even if it might feel so for a minute, it will wear off). When you feel the urge to read an article, watch a video, or read a comment for reassurance, or for some sort of "answer", respond differently. don't let your ocd win. It will feel like all you need is just to read that one article and you'll be cured! but nope, I compulsively did this hundreds of times and it never ever worked. You are stronger than what your thoughts are telling you.
Additionally, not all of these are written by licensed professionals, so do not use this as a substitute for therapy. A lot of the posts I have linked are from people like you and me, who are just sharing what has helped them personally; something that worked for them may not work for you. This is simply an educational post for those who may not have found many resources on this theme yet.
I hope this helps <3 I will also be adding more to this as time goes along! And if there are any additional resources I can add please let me know :)

Articles/Blogs

• Turning Point Psychology: Real Event OCD and 10 Steps to Getting Better (Examples of obsessions, compulsions, and helpful tips for getting better)
• OCD Specialists: Real Event OCD (Ways it can manifest, why this is an OCD issue, some cognitive distortions etc.)
• Living With OCD: Don't Dwell on the Past (Live Mindfully) (Choosing to live mindfully and in the present moment)
• California OCD: Dealing With Real Event OCD Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 (An overview, self-help tips, related themes, self-compassion)
• The Debilitating Type of OCD You Probably Haven't Heard Of (Incredibly helpful if you need to explain to a loved one what you're going through without all the graphic details. This blog post sums things up perfectly in a way that someone without OCD would be able to understand)

Reddit Posts/Comments

Tips & Helpful, Quick Ideas

• 10 helpful tips for Real Event OCD (Things to remember, and perspectives you may not have considered before)
• More helpful tips for Real Event OCD (Following on from the previous post)
• Quick and Helpful Tips (Good to consider for OCD overall, not just specifically Real Event)
• Tips for dealing with Real Event OCD (Includes self-help ideas, such as realising nobody can be 100% perfect)

Compulsion-Focused Content

• Document of Mental Compulsions (Another one for OCD in general - very helpful resource for identifying some compulsions you may not have recognised as compulsions before)
• Things To Remember About Compulsive Googling (This one is difficult to stop, but it's really important to cut out this compulsion. Spoiler: You won't find the answer you crave)

Reminders & Short Posts

• Questions Real Event OCD throws at you, and their answers (Can help with responding differently)
• A Short Reminder for Everyone Suffering (Not a reassurance post, just another helpful reminder)
• A Reminder About Ruminating (Another thing that is so crucial to cut out as much as you can. I know it's so difficult though when it's so automatic)
• Letting go of the need to be "good" (TLDR; It is ok to be flawed)
• Things to remember with Real Event OCD (This was a very useful reminder of reality for me at my worst)

Self-Help Guides & ERP

• Living with Uncertainty (A user's account of how they have coped with this theme)
• Doing ERP for Real Event OCD (Be careful when doing ERP without the guidance of a professional, but if you don't have the resources then this can be helpful for ideas of where to start)
• Additional ideas for writing and practising ERP scripts (Helpful for breaking down the ERP process if you're wanting to start it alone - remember not to jump straight in the deep end with your most triggering exposures)
• Putting Real Event OCD in Its Place (A user's guide of how they got through this theme)

Youtube Resources

• OCD and Anxiety / Nathan Peterson (The perfect channel for everything OCD-related. Nathan has genuinely been such a god-send throughout my recovery)
  • Real Event OCD: What it Looks Like (Overview, examples of obsessions, compulsions, cognitive distortions, and how ERP can look for this theme)
  • 10 Treatment Tips for Real Event OCD (This is a narrated version of the Turning Point Psychology article I mentioned earlier)
  • Removing Guilt from OCD (Since guilt is very prominent in Real Event, this can be helpful to watch)
  • OCD Does Not Like Living in the Present (Why living in the present is so important)
  • Cancel Culture & OCD (Why OCD thrives on the idea of cancel culture. I know this is such a huge fear for many of us with Real Event)
  • Stop Ruminating with OCD (One of the biggest compulsions with Real Event, it's so important to stop this in its tracks)
  • 3 ways to fight Moral Scrupulosity OCD (I know this isn't explicitly Real Event-related but I still feel like this is a must-watch for everyone struggling. OCD loves to latch onto morally ambiguous events, and this video goes through some great points regarding morality and OCD)
• Chrissie Hodges (One of the kindest souls I've found on Youtube. She creates no-bullshit videos on OCD, and really addresses the taboo side of OCD that isn't often spoken about. Please go check her out)
  • Am I A Monster Because of Childhood Experiences? (This helped me so unbelievably much with putting my event into perspective. It's massively important to listen to what she says about taking only what applies to you and leaving the rest)
  • OCD and Memories (Touches on False Memory and the links with Real Event)
• Mark Freeman (Great source for OCD-related content overall)
  • What if the Obsession is About Something I Really Did? (Light-hearted and humourous video about Real Event, gives some really great tips)
  • OCD and False / Real Memories (How to put Real Event and False Memories into perspective with a banana)
• OCD The Bug In My Brain (Another great helpful channel for OCD-related content)
  • Number One Real Event OCD Tip (Essentially, why compulsive research will never change the past and won't help you see the future)
  • OCD Makes Mountains Out of Molehills (Talking about how OCD will always make things seem worse, no matter what it was, even if it was a bad thing)

Quotes

• "What matters is that whenever there is something in our life that was maybe incorrect or wrong, maybe we shouldn't have done. What we're supposed to do is learn from these experiences. Our brain corrects itself and says, oh, don't do that again next time. That's why the guilt or shame is there; it's supposed to teach you not to do it again. But what OCD does is it attacks this. It grabs right onto it and says, this is a big deal, there's nothing to learn from it, you need to feel guilty forever. It's our job to teach your brain that that is so incorrect."[From Nathan Peterson's self-directed "Master Your OCD" course]
• "Even if it was a mistake that was last week, even if it was a mistake 20 years ago, it doesn't matter. what matters is that you're living life today and, today, do you need to relive that experience? Is there a reason for it? We have to retrain your brain to say, sorry, this is in the past, time for you to go away."[From Nathan Peterson's self-directed "Master Your OCD" course]
• "Every time you react to this experience that you had in the past, you're telling your brain that it still has value, that it still matters."[From Nathan Peterson's self-directed "Master Your OCD" course]
• "The answer...? Who knows? Who cares? You didn't until your ocd latched onto it, you remembered it like any other memory. Maybe you will never know. Maybe it will bother you forever, maybe it won't bother you forever. You did something, you won't do it again, MOVE ON! YOU WILL NEVER KNOW!"[A personal lil reminder I wrote for myself]
• "You cannot think your way through a fear."[Nathan Peterson]

"But what if my event was actually bad? Surely none of this applies to me!"

Please read this comment. OCD will strive to make you feel like you are the worst person on earth, no matter what your event was. Even if it was something horrible, you're dealing with OCD now, and you're living in the present day. What you're obsessing over now is just a blip in time, and you've grown enough as a person to look back and say that wasn't the best decision.

Former teacher and i have been job hopping. Not going the way i had hoped, and some say its better to do that than be jobless, but because i was subbing (after contract jobs ended, leaving a highly toxic childcare center and some other brief stints that did not work out), I am jobless. While subbing i was offered a position as a receptionist in healthcare but stupid me, i was waiting to hear from a community college and the healthcare party needed an answer "now" and so i turned it down since I had some sub jobs lined up and the timing wasnt exactly as discussed.
The c.c. turned me down which i knew was a risk, and i had talked to the healthcare systen that i would apply after subbing season was over, and im not getting responses.
I just feel like an idiot. We have my husbands income so its not like the world is going to fall apart too quickly but money is tight and i feel low. Now
Idk if I should get a random job until i land something, but I feel like thats what got me in this predicament. I would hate to leave something AGAIN.
Another school district contacted me to apply for them which feels good although the commute is Awful. Mind you, that's 50% why I left where i was (the other 50% was low school morale and zero mobility to just switch schools). Its a lot of money, but not sure its worth my mental health. So do i apply? I can't flake on them if i get it but the commute is the last thing I need.
I have been applying all week. I guess its my first week out of subbing and things take time, but i just don't know what to invest my time in. I'm doing a med terminology course.
I guess I should let go of the idea of teaching at all but i feel like I messed up with the healthcare opportunity. Its amazing that they offered me something in a week, and the c.c. dragged it out 3 weeks for no reason for me. So timing sucks. Oh well.
Suggestions?

Former teacher and i have been job hopping. Not going the way i had hoped, and some say its better to do that than be jobless, but because i was subbing (after contract jobs ended, leaving a highly toxic childcare center and some other brief stints that did not work out), I am jobless. While subbing i was offered a position as a receptionist in healthcare but stupid me, i was waiting to hear from a community college and the healthcare party needed an answer "now" and so i turned it down since I had some sub jobs lined up and the timing wasnt exactly as discussed.
The c.c. turned me down which i knew was a risk, and i had talked to the healthcare systen that i would apply after subbing season was over, and im not getting responses.
I just feel like an idiot. We have my husbands income so its not like the world is going to fall apart too quickly but money is tight and i feel low. Now
Idk if I should get a random job until i land something, but I feel like thats what got me in this predicament. I would hate to leave something AGAIN.
Another school district contacted me to apply for them which feels good although the commute is Awful. Mind you, that's 50% why I left where i was (the other 50% was low school morale and zero mobility to just switch schools). Its a lot of money, but not sure its worth my mental health. So do i apply? I can't flake on them if i get it but the commute is the last thing I need.
I have been applying all week. I guess its my first week out of subbing and things take time, but i just don't know what to invest my time in. I'm doing a med terminology course.
I guess I should let go of the idea of teaching at all but i feel like I messed up with the healthcare opportunity. Its amazing that they offered me something in a week, and the c.c. dragged it out 3 weeks for no reason for me. So timing sucks. Oh well.
Suggestions?

RANT ALERT
This past weekend, my mom’s bf was acting like an ignorant dick & I wasn’t having it. He was being very reactive & acting ghetto, I was beyond irked I put my foot down. He’s been on good behavior for the past few yrs , is “reformed” & thought this behavior was a thing of the past. We all went out for bfast Sunday & had a bad experience at a diner so we left after no service after being seated for a while. We all get back in the car & everyone is throwing out their preferences & I had to be the bigger person saying everyone has to come to an agreement. He cursed under his breath, I said there’s no fucking need to act up, it’s just breakfast for crying out loud, the vibe is off & I’m not having it right now.
My mom picks somewhere hastily & we settle there, I sat at the far end of the table & didn’t talk for the whole time bc he pissed me off really bad. My mom right when we’re getting ready to leave asks if I’m ok bc I seem grumpy. I roll my eyes & and am like are you freaking joking right now I’m not the one that’s been acting up this whole time I’m simply reacting & you’re asking the wrong person. She takes a breath, says something about being positive & her bf says “exactly”. I couldn’t believe it, when we leave I storm off to the car, when we get home she & her bf spend the rest of the day out on the porch talking. In between that time she asks if I’m okay, I get defensive again & bring up his shitty behavior. Then maybe after an hr she comes back, says that she finally gets why I reacted the way I did & apparently she & him talked about it while they were out there.
She & I weren’t talking for a few months before, saying she really doesn’t want that again & worries that’ll be the case bc of this new friction in the house now. Since Sunday she hasn’t really talked to me(we all live together), she said hi Monday, I replied kind of dryly & left it at that. Tues morning, I walk by & normally she’d say good morning but doesn’t talk to me. I only confronted her with internet issues & she writes me a check for money she borrowed. I don’t get why I’m the one that is not being communicated with while her bf is the issue imo & they’re talking like nothing ever happened.
I just think about the times when I was younger, her bf was a dick, did shitty things & they never went long without talking. My mom & I on the other hand, the longest we’ve gone without talking was a yr. When we’d go months without talking, it’s normally something petty that caused it & I don’t feel like she made an active effort to reconcile (even if I caused it). She’d reach out for my bday or maybe follow up after a few months/send a text🙄. But when we communicate she’s loving, I wonder how’d she’d act if she & my brothers fought. I feel like it might be best if my mother & I are civil moving fwd/very surface level & if that means moving out so be it.

Hey Reddit... I'm hoping I can get some sort of advice here. It's kinda complicated so I'll try to explain below. I apologize in advance for how long it is but wanted to give all the facts.
I just recently filed from divorce from my husband. We were together 7 years. Our marriage was great... or so I thought. A little background, we both were divorcees who met at work, we became friends and then something more grew from that relationship. I have a child from a previous marriage who's father is not in the picture. My son's father frequently cheated on me and was abusive. He left some lasting damage. My soon to be ex husband and I had a connection like I had never experienced before. No one was trying to change the other person, there was so much love. Everything was perfect. When we considered dating, I laid out all my issues. Told him about my anxiety, depression and the scars my ex left. He accepted them and said that he did not care because he loved me and wanted to help me through the rough parts in life. He said he loved me for me and that meant accepting me and my flaws.
After about a year of dating, I asked him if I could send a text from his phone because my phone died and was charging. He said yeah and handed over his phone. I opened the messenger app to send the text and I saw a message between him and another woman. They were explicit in nature. I freaked out a little and was like WTF. He explained that the woman had known him since high school and she stalks him. He said he was non-confrontational and always humored her in text and eventually she would get bored with him not really ever doing anything and disappear. He said this has happened for years and years. I asked him why he didn't block her and he just said that this was always how he handled it. I asked him why he didn't tell me this was happening and he said he didn't want to stress me out and didn't think it was a big deal. It took a few months of talking about it and working on stuff for me to feel better about this. He said to me I can check his phone any time. In the following months, I had checked 3x. Once I didn't find anything, I decided to trust him again and we progressed the relationship forward.
Fast forward a few years later, we get married. Everything is still going well. We are still in love and everything is going good. We continue on living our lives. He's a good dad to my son despite me never asking him to be (he just fell into that role). We both work and have friends of opposite sexes but there is never any bad thoughts. I had moved on.
That brings us to this year. I lost my job in April of this year (which was a huge blow because I was the bread winner). My depression and anxiety get worse because I'm stressing about money. I keep asking him if we're okay because the relationship was giving me strength during this time. He always said yes we were fine and that he loved me. Then later in April, things just felt off. On my birthday (in April), I couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. I couldn't pinpoint it really apart from my son (who is now a teenager) was acting like a typical teenager and stressing us out. Against my better judgement, I checked his phone again and there was a text message between him and a coworker that was definitely flirty in nature. She was talking about how she would have him and made a comment about tugging on his beard (weird, I know). He later replied in the text messages that "I'll be thinking of you" with hearts. Instantly my anxiety shot through the roof and I confronted him in tears asking why this was happening again. He swore they were just friends and "that's just how they talked". I told him I trusted him and that I hadn't checked in years only to find this. It's worth noting that there were not many texts there to see because he deleted earlier conversations between them.
We ended up going to sleep and talking more the next morning. We worked through it and I apologized for checking his phone and said I should have come to him. He hugged me while I cried and said everything was fine. He forgave me and wasn't mad. We ended up *making up* if you catch my drift. Weeks passed and things seemed fine. I would ask if we were okay, he would say we were fine. He said he loved me and everything progressed as it normally would.
Then about 4 weeks ago, I was in our room crying from the stress of not finding a job. I said I felt so low and was stressed because the job and my son not following rules. I also said I felt like something was off with him lately. That is when he dropped the bomb on me that he felt like we needed to separate because he didn't feel the same about me since I looked at his phone and didn't tell him previously. I was beside myself. I apologized and owned my stuff in that department. I told him I didn't want to separate but if he felt like he needed to do that so we can figure out a way forward, we could. He said he felt like he needed to go clear his head and "do him". I asked about the coworker. He said they're just talking.
So he leaves for his parents house 4 hours away, taking a lot of his stuff with him. We keep talking. A mutual friend that he had talked to mentioned to me that she was also separated from her husband. I asked him if this was completely coincidental and he said yes but that they were "interested in each other". I was devastated. I told him I wanted to work things out but I couldn't support him dating someone else while I was left in limbo while he "figured it out".
He has said 3 things to me:

1. He loves me but is not in love with me.
2. He doesn't want anything bad to happen to me because he cares.
3. That down the line in the future, he wouldn't be opposed to having a relationship with me "should the opportunity present itself".

I'm completely baffled. I told him if nothing was going on between them how did he go from being okay with me and married to wanting to date someone else in the span of a week. That part just didn't add up for me. He came back to the house and packed up his belongings (everything). Split his bank account (our only source of income right now) and took off. When he was last here (last Saturday) we tried talking again and I asked that he take as much time as he needs but remain faithful to me. He got mad, screamed at me, punched our bed and took off back to his parents house. He told me he hated my son and didn't want to deal with him. I text him asking him to come back so we can talk and he said that he was going to date the other woman.
Since then, we've been on business only. I told him I can't be with him if he won't remain faithful to me. I ended up filing divorce papers earlier this week. It is tearing me up inside because I feel like I was blindsided by this. I've given him everything he wanted so far (on all fronts) - He has no financial responsibility to the house, I gave him $10k out of our savings despite not having found a job yet and asked him to keep working with me but he said he can't right now.
I'm a wreck. I don't want the divorce but I feel like this time he wasn't truthful about the texts with the coworker. I asked him what I didn't give him in the relationship and he said nothing, that I did everything right and perfect. I asked him how he can say he loves me but wants to be with someone else but he said that's the difference between loving someone and being "in love" with them. I told him I knew that he was my true love and in my heart of hearts, I loved him and wanted to make this work if we could. He replied to me that true love and knowing something in your heart of hearts is BS and for fairy tales. But again, he says he's going to see this other woman.
I feel awful now. I feel like I gave him everything in the marriage (confirmed by him) but he just wanted to step out and is mad he got caught. Now I'm left picking up the pieces of our life as he goes and hooks up with this woman. It doesn't make sense because he says he doesn't like kids but she has 3. I really don't know what to do other than what I have done obviously in filing divorce.
How do I heal from this? I have a therapist and friends who are trying to help but I feel like I'm in this endless despair of a black pit. I know I can't force him to see my point but it just feels like everything our marriage stood for is reduced to nothing here. I've accepted my part in this but not once has he. Any advice would be appreciated.

Ty
I don’t remember the last time I felt this kind of heartbreak. Maybe it’s because I usually am the one to leave before the other person gets a chance to leave me. Either way, I am frustrated at the fact that I am still hurting over you. We met here on Reddit months ago, having no idea then, that I would fall so in love with a stranger I would probably never meet. Things escalated quickly from chatting, to sending pics, to exchanging social media, to FaceTiming every day. We knew how wrong it was. We knew we were both married. But the instant bond we formed was so strong and felt so right, I was walking on clouds every day just happy to be alive and to have someone to give that extra special attention that we both craved. You made me smile and laugh and made me feel so beautiful and desirable. The urge to reach through my phone screen and kiss your beautifully perfect face was unbearable. When you would send me those fucking hot videos of you and your delicious body, it would send me to another world, and I would be left drooling like a rabid animal just hungry to devour you. I was never even into guys like you before; the muscular, perfect-looking, clean-cut military type. But watching you undress out of that camo uniform awakened a primal urge within me. I never thought someone so fine would ever want anything to do with a girl like me. And the way you spoke to me, so sweetly, and wanting to know everything about me and my life, remembering all the little details like the names of my cats and my daily routines. It was so easy to fall in love with you. You warned me from the beginning that this would eventually have to end and that it would hurt. But I didn’t want to believe it. I thought I could somehow change the trajectory. Even when I felt you slowly drifting away, I still held onto hope. I tried to remain patient and distract myself so that I could prove to you that I could give you space if that was what you needed. You told me that you would be returning home to your wife and kids at the end of may for a month and wouldn’t be able to talk to me anymore but you never even took the time to say goodbye. I wasn’t ready. I don’t know if I ever could have been ready honestly. And maybe that’s why you left the way you did. You knew I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye and stick to it. You blocked me in every way possible. I don’t know if you read the messages I tried to send you, cursing you for breaking my heart so deeply, lying to myself by saying that I never wanted to talk to you again. I just thought we had more time and I wish I had known that the last time we FaceTimed on may 5th would be the last time I would see your face and laugh with you and tell each other I love you. I feel like a fucking idiot for getting wrapped up in this situation knowing it was never going to end well. But I will never regret knowing you. I miss you all the time and I think about you every single day. I have so many things I want to tell you, songs I want to send you, memes I know you would laugh at, feelings and thoughts only you would understand. I wish I could call you but I know I can’t and it’s the most frustrating thing. I hope that when you go back to base, maybe we can reconnect. Even though I know it’s not good for me, I don’t care. Im willing to make the same mistake again if it means I get to spend more time with you. I love you so much, Ty. You’re always in my heart ♥️-A