Residential Contracting 101
With over 20 years of building experience, I would like to share with you my insights in navigating becoming a successful contractor. With many different avenues of the building world its key to understand what problems will arise on any given day. A man once told a saying that stuck-the 6 p’s in life- Piss Poor Preparation leads to Piss Poor Performance. Preparation builds everything in construction, without preparation the jobsite will not run correctly. The best advice I was ever given was to learn a little about every trade giving you the ability to understand trade lingo and secrets. An example would be painters use the terminology flash; this means when the sub structure bleads through the paint. Subcontractors will give the best pricing if they respect your knowledge of the industry. If the subcontractor feels they will have to hold your hand through the job they will charge an extra fee…i.e. I call it the aggravation fee. In this blog I will explain the key elements in finding success in all aspects of the industry. Contracting is a physically and emotionally demanding job which requires planning and foresight to complete projects on time within budget. Picking your customer is just as important as picking your employees or subcontractors. I have worked for some of the most demanding customers leading me to question at the end if the job was even worth it. Sleepless nights, constant changes, lack of payment, lawsuit threats, adding work that was in the contract are just a few things you could face with a tough customer. With so many moving parts at all times it is critical to be able to adapt to changes within a short time frame. Materials will come in damaged, subcontractors will be late, employees will get sick, but the deadline you set does not change. The stress can be overwhelming at times keeping your mind in a good place is key to navigating all that is thrown at you. Choosing your client picking the right jobs-Keep these questions in mind The first question to be asked is what the time frame is to start the job to see if it fits within the timeframe for your business. If the time frame doesn’t work then move on from the project or let them know when you would be available to start. If the client really wants to use, they will wait until you are available. Taking on too much work will only lead to problems. Construction is a serviced based business, staying on top of the project and client will eliminate an unhappy customer and construction issues that will be over seen. With online presence if details are missed and customer service lacks it will only be a matter of time the phone will not ring. The second question to be asked to the client is do they have a budget in mind for the project. If they answer yes this is good, follow through with what the budget is. If the budget seems low let them know, this will eliminate a tire kicker, educate them on what the price range could be. If the budget seems reasonable then continue the discussion to the next question. If they answer no let them know that you can give them an estimate to see if the project is feasible with their finical capabilities. Taking on a job that is not correctly budgeted will lead to an unsatisfied customer due to non-transparency of the construction cost. The third question to be asked is anyone else bidding on the job, if the answer is yes, understand you might just be number check for the contractor doing the job. Dig a little deeper and find out how many numbers they are getting and why. If your business model is to be competitive be completely transparent with customer, this will gain trust with them. Let them know you get what you pay for and if you they choose the lowest bid it could lead into lack of quality of work.
The fourth question I will ask is there any specific subcontractors they wanted to use. If the answer is yes then I would explain to them you only use the subcontractors you have a working relationship with. Otherwise, this could backfire as the subcontractor might not show, do subpar work, talk behind your back to the homeowner. In my experience I would stay away from using any homeowner to alleviate problems down the road. A quick conversation now can save headaches down the road. The fifth question I will ask are planning on getting the job permitted, this needs to be known it takes more time for the permitting process. Plans will have to drawn submitted and approved to the city before work can commence. The sixth question I will ask if a residential remodel is are you going to be living through the remodel if yes understand this will take more time to navigate the project due to answering questions and cleaning the house on a daily occurrence. I would recommend seeing if the customer would be willing to move into an Airbnb or friends for at least the demo portion of the project. If they do plan on living through the remodel add a couple hours a day to accommodate the extra time that will be required. The seventh question I would ask in a residential remodel is how old the house is to see if there is asbestos that would need to removed by a proper company. A home built before 1979 will most likely have some asbestos in the house, use a licensed company with proper insurance to dispose of the materials. If everything looks good to this point find out a little more about the client personality. If the client seems reasonable, I would bid the job. Unreasonable people can cause you more stress than its worth. These are some red flags I would look out for. Some jobs are not worth the money. Very demanding in the way you are going to perform your job- I.e., tell you how you are going to do your job- You’re the professional not them! Give you a hard time about your price- haggle with price you estimated- The price is the price! If they are a family with little money and you want to help them out is one thing, if they are trying to beat you down is another. Mention they have a lawyer-there is no need for them to bring up that they have a lawyer - Run for the hills as if the job goes south, you will be the one losing out! Tell you what the payment terms are. It’s your business you get paid how it works for your company. If you want to get paid every Friday, put it into your contract-If the clients do not agree move on it will save you frustrations If they talk bad about the last contractor, chances are they will talk bad about you. There is a reason why the contractor does not work for them anymore, unless he did subpar work this a red flag Clients are using an interior decorator that will purchasing all of the materials- The materials could be ordered incorrectly by the interior designer your company will not make the mark-up it deserves. Interior decorators usually add time to the job as well as act like your boss. Charging a little extra for the time and stress that it will entail is only fair. Clients want to purchase the materials- You are using your knowledge to buy the correct materials-The mark up on the materials keeps the doors open working for wages only pays the bills The husband and wife do not get along-You will become the mediator between the couple it will lead to taking sides a losing proposition- A drama free work place is always best! Dangling carrot-if you do this job the next one will be better-Only look at what there offering at the present moment, if its not a good fit do not take the job for a job down the road…Its not worth chasing a job that might not happen! The Art of the Sale First things first selling your company is all about presentation. In meeting your clients for the first time show up with a collared golf shirt tucked in, belt, nice jeans, and newer shoes. Have a truck that a clean, no dents scratches, preferably washed the day you are going into your meeting. Have a leather note pad that is clean no dirt or paint visible. Show up 5 minutes early, if you’re running a little late shoot them a text to let them know. Treat the situation as if were going on a first date, best foot forward. As you introduce yourself give them a warm greeting, letting them know you are very interested in the work. Find out a little about them, hobbies, where they lived, etc etc. You are going to be working with them on a daily basis its nice to know what makes them tick. Having a good working relationship from the start is key forming a solid relationship. As the conversation progresses find out who wears the pants in the family…ie who’s the final decision maker. If its fits the wife, chances it is…..then kindly let the husband know happy wife happy life when their in a stall mate on an issue. As your looking at the project throw in some suggestions of what you think would look good from past experiences, this will get their attention that you have knowledge and want what’s best for them. If you see ways to save them money in their project let them know, money is a large point of the sale keep that in mind. Mention that you’re not the least expensive contractor but you’re not the most expensive either. Your customer satisfaction is your number one goal which leads to more time spent on keeping them happy. One happy customer will lead to another, one unsatisfied customer leads to work in the future. Bring up the fact the finishing the job on time is key goal to your business, many contractors run several jobs at once causing the jobs to be finished way behind schedule. You must stand out as having integrity, good morals, and the ability to problem solve to get the job. The clients will be testing you to see if you’re a good fit as well. Keep in mind as you take your notes that you must not forget anything they mention as it will come back before the job is completed…i.e. we mentioned that to you before we started the job! Take pictures of the proposed area for work, that way you can use it to better right your estimate. Let them know you will give them a detailed outline of when the job will be completed letting them see how long each phase will take and correlate it with your payment schedule. Before you leave their house let them know when the estimate will be sent to them. MAKE SURE YOU HIT THAT DEADLINE! Once you sent the email over with estimate make sure you get confirmation that they received it. Wait at least 2 days before checking with them, hopefully they contact you first! If they want negotiate the price, let them know that it is the best price that you can manage, its not worth losing money before you start. I closed 80% of the work I estimated by being very transparent and friendly. If you come off with an attitude charge double what the going rates are you might only land 1 out of 10 jobs as well as getting the reputation of being expensive. Bidding the job Looking up industry standards on pricing is what I would go buy for pricing. If you google the coat of any installation there will be a cost range for everything. Looking at the cost ranging from high to low I would tend to be in the middle. Some items might be low on the internet if this is the case use your best judgment not to lose money. Closing sales is key to success and keep the doors open for business. Being in the middle on pricing is key as most customers shy away from contractors that are extremely low or high on the price range. I tend not bid out hourly as wages do not pay for retirement. Bidding is better as customers no the exact price of the cost of construction. It also keeps the job moving quicker as time and material contractors take longer to complete projects…Thus costing the client more money and valuable time they could spend in their house. Using a Contract Using a detailed estimate tied to a contract covers your butt in 99% of the time. Having a piece of mind that every aspect of the job is covered in the estimate and contract protects both your company and the client. Key terms to include in your estimate/contract are. Have a schedule on excel showing the start dates and dates of each trade this will show the customer you are organized with time lines. If not written in the detailed in the estimate the item is excluded- This ensures if its not written down its not included. TBD- To be Determined- A phrase on a line item that has yet to had final decision of products or service needed. -The pricing will follow the decisions to be finalized Give out what your written warranty will be for parts and labor this changes state to state. If the homeowner provides the product than no warranty will be given on that particular item. In the contract have a start date and end date with the verbiage subject to change due to weather, product delivery, change orders Have a progress payment schedule to ensure the client understands when funding will be expected-Including if not payment is rendered service to the project will stop. Have written terms of how change orders will be charged-cost plus 20% or a set fee Make sure in your contract that arbitration is required versus going to court- This will save lawyer fees and going to court Many contracts can be found online and each state requires different contracts
Finding leads Finding leads is easy with the right network of people. I personally do not find working for friends or family members a good fit. Relationships get strained when money is involved, causing undue stress for both parties. I have listed a couple of ways to build a network or find work using the internet. Get in contact with realtor’s- Realtors have a big client base of homeowners who need work done Contact local Architects to see if they are working with any general contractors Leave some business cards at your local materials suppliers-Doowindow/lumber-many times clients will ask salesman for a referral. Join a business networking group- BNI is one of many Join a internet website lead generation company- Houzz, Angie’s List, Home Advisor, thumbtack, Yelp run an ad on craigslist Use a marketing company to market your website-This could become costly with little results Create a Facebook business page Create a Yelp business page
Building your subcontractor base Having 2 subcontractors for every trade, gives you the flexibility of completing jobs on time if the one the subcontractors is too busy at the time you need their service. Your subcontractors are the face of your business, choose owner run companies that are professional. Check to make sure there license are up to date..ie workman’s comp, liability insurance, state license. Choosing subcontractors with lettered vans, logoed t-shirts is s key to looking professional in the clients’ eyes. In the past I have gotten a lot of subcontractors for material supply shops, stopping by jobsites, researching the internet using Yelp, Home Advisor, etc etc. Once you get one good subcontractor ask them if they know any other trades they would recommend. One good subcontractor leads to another in most cases. The key to having a good group of subcontractors is to let them know that you are there to get help them get the job done. They do work for you but without them you are nothing…keep that in mind! Make them aware a clean jobsite is required at the end of everyday to ensure the proper safety for all parties including theirs! Over the years I have referred a lot of companies work when there is only 1 trade needed. Referring work to subcontractors is a good way to get top priority when you have work that needs to be completed ASAP. Timing is everything in times of emergency having a good group of subcontractors will make your business run smoothly. Pay your subcontractors immediately after performing work, this will make them feel appreciated! A happy subcontractor is one that will gladly go the extra mile for you knowing that there not just a number to your business! Buying lunch once a week for the jobsite is always a good token of appreciation!
Supervising In supervising any jobsite its key to monitor everything from materials on hand, weather, vehicle parking (if applicable), jobsite safety, and subcontractors’ workmanship. If you hired a professional there should be little supervision in the work being performed, on rare occasions a new hire might need some mentoring to get the results completed correctly. If you see a problem with there work address it with the worker directly, no need to call his boss…. building repour with the worker letting him know you got his back goes miles down the road! Checking in on the job first in the morning to answer any questions or changes that need to be conveyed and once in the afternoon to make sure all work be completed is done per construction industry standards. A job that is run blindly will have many more issues than one that is watched over. I have seen many jobs with no site supervision, leading to subpar quality work as well as safety hazards. Its better to be like an eagle than cluck like a turkey!
Working with the City/Inspectors On permitted jobs the city and site inspector will be a large part of how smoothly the job runs. Each phase of construction has an inspection allowing for the project to continue. Make sure your subcontractors are aware that the project is inspected before starting the job. The best way to stay on his good side is to provide a clean jobsite and having the job built to the highest standards possible. When having the site inspected be courteous to the inspector asking any questions or concerns you have with the work during the job. Being completely transparent will save you aggravation of problems down the road. The more he trust you the better if you seem sneaky or rude he will make your life a living nightmare! Many inspectors will have an attitude towards you….I suggest keeping quiet and doing what ever he wants….he’s the boss no need to get in a pissing match you will not win at. How to deal with irate customer Stay calm during any argument with an irate customer. Never raise your voice or show that you are bothered by their disgruntled behavior. If the customer is trying to get more from you than agreed upon stand your ground. Worst case scenario is you walk from the job, which in the long run be more of a loss for the client. I have only run into a couple of these clients; they are unreasonable and not worth losing sleep over a few dollars. Its best to terminate the relationship as it would be my best guess that a referral from this customer would not be one you wanted anyway. If you feel it was just a miscommunication on your end, take reasonability and remedy the problem. Taking accountability for your mistake will go a far way in their eyes and on future issues that arise. Prepping the homeowner pre-construction Before starting the job, it very important to give the homeowners a warning of what will happen during the construction process.

1. All furniture in the proposed working area must be moved- I would recommend having the clients take care of this to limit the risk of damage to their belongings.
2. There will be dust that will be in the house up to 3 months after construction-I would recommend hiring a construction cleaning company at the end of the job even so after it is cleaned dust will be present months after words.
3. There will be conflicts between you in the homeowner at some course of the job. - You will do your best to eliminate them as quickly as they arise-i.e. material damages, miscommunication, job delays
4. All decisions on materials must be made before the start of the job- this will eliminate job stoppage due to materials not being on site.
5. All materials will be on site before commencement of job-
6. Payment structures must be made per contract otherwise job will stop until payment rendered
7. Cars are to be moved out of the driveway- Ensures ease of loading and unloading of materials/tools
8. Give the specific hours that workers will be present- i.e. 7-3:30
9. Determine what areas are allowed to be used as staging for tools/materials
10. If animals are present in the home that they put outside or in a room during the day
11. All valuables in the house are locked in safe
12. Ask if using client’s household bathroom is okay or to bring in Porter Potty
13. Being transparent as possible is key to keeping a great relationship with your client!

During Construction During construction it is key to take detailed photos to eliminate any damages that were not caused by the construction process. I would also make a video to ensure all areas are included. All subcontractors should also take progress pictures to ensure if problems arise in the future, they will not be responsible for any work that they did not perform. Keep an on-going log of progress to the homeowners and share the pictures for there records. This will keep homeowners excited of the progress being made. When the house is gutted to the studs it is important to have construction photos showing where all utilities are run in the walls or sub floor. If there is a problem in the future there will photos showing all utility locations. Protect all flooring with plywood or floor protective. I also like to protect front door and tarp all areas where subcontractors are to be working. Make sure to cover any chandeliers/furniture/doorways with plastic to eliminate dust. Ask the homeowners if they have any concerns that they could think of. We’re all human and possibly a detail was missed! Post Construction Phase If the project went smoothly appreciation should be shown to the customer. Find out if the husband likes a particular type of liquor. Bring the wife a bouquet of flowers. Send a Christmas card to the family letting how much you appreciated the work. You know you have done a good job if they tell you they will refer you to their friends. The best compliment you could receive is a good referral. In Summary Try to find a knitch in the market, I found kitchens to be a great remodel projects. Bathrooms are tough as they are small, expensive with little profit margin with every trade involved. Windows/doors are also another great knitch as they can be installed quickly. There are so many different remodeling items that can be stream lined to make the selling installing process flawless. Once the core group subcontractors are in place the job almost runs itself. Every day is a learning experience with new materials or methods in construction. Keeping up with codes, materials, fluctuating labor and material cost is a job within itself. Anyone can be a contractor with the right mindset.

Without going into too much detail, I currently work for a very crappy LTL company. I don't like a lot that's going on here. The only positive thing is the hourly pay. Many negative things such as slip seating. I technically have an "assigned truck" but it's never available because other drivers keep taking it. Took about an hour this morning to find an available truck.
I got a another local job offer with Roehl, but it pays but the mile. Mon- Friday 6am-6pm, but it's cpm. They say driving radius is about 150 of the terminal. Sliding cpm / depends on load. Anywhere from 70 cpm to 80. What should I do? I tried to leave a couple of days ago but management talk me into working today. Also dispatcher can be a butthole and is constantly yelling at people.
Trucks and trailers and really bad and the shop doesn't really fix/ keep up with the equipment. What should I do? Should I take Roehl's cpm offer or stay with my current LTL Job? Roehl says I can gross about 1400 a week, but of course I'm taking that will a grain of salt. I currently make 1000 here after taxes.

Being this abrahanic inspired faith, the Imperial Cult if full of saints, some declared after death, some still living. We know of Saint Sabbath, we know of Saint Celestine, and how even Cain got a planet that worships him as one.
But, how does someone is declared a saint, and how they are worshipped? The following excerpts give insight on that, as well some rather unusual saint, a psyker one.
The holy
“Though they did flay her body with their blades, rend her bones to dust with their fists and consume her organs with their hungry maws, they possessed nothing that could touch her faith.” —
Excerpt from the Blessed Suffering of Saint Elana.
The Calixis Sector is full of saints, men and women who have given their lives to the glory of the Emperor. Some are very minor, only revered in a single city or town, while some can be found wherever Imperial rule extends. Large or small, saints form the human face of the Ministorum, giving worshippers something to relate to and aspire toward. Saints are also often associated with certain aspects and particular causes, such as stellar travel or guilt. Some saints are even more specialised, watching out for those that work with ill-tempered Grox for example. This means, regardless of your situation, there is always a saint watching over you and to whom you can offer a prayer of protection. The truly devout take no chances and festoon themselves with the symbols and tokens of many saints. Saints also have a prominent place in Imperial culture beyond their religious connotations. Their names can be found on everything from worlds and stellar craft to streets and children. Often something that is akin to a saint’s cause bears their name, such as a warship called the Saint Drusus (of which there are one hundred and thirteen so named to date), so it might embody some of the fierceness of its namesake. Taking all of this into account, saints form an important part of a citizen’s life, as prolific and ever-present as the Cult of the Emperor itself.
Drusus the Wrrior
Without a doubt the greatest of all the saints within the Calixis Sector, Drusus stands at the right hand of the Emperor in the hearts and minds of most Calixian citizenry. From early childhood, millions are taught the tales of the great general Drusus and his relentless armies. They learn of how he brought the light of the Emperor back to the sector and swept away the vile masses of xenos who had taken root. It is because of his efforts that the Calixis Sector exists today. The Ministorum makes sure that no one forgets his deeds and, wherever temples and shrines to the Emperor are raised, so too are statues of this saint. Likewise, few saints can boast a cult as large or powerful as Drusus and none can deny the influence that the cult has over all Calixian affairs.
Though a mighty and cunning warlord, Drusus is best remembered and revered as an honest and courageous warrior. It is this purity of faith in the Emperor and the Imperium that soldiers will pray to before heading into battle. To invoke the name of Drusus is to ask for the righteous might of the Emperor to guide your hand. On some worlds entire regiments of Guardsmen are dedicated to the saint’s name, such as the 23rd Drusus Dragoons of Clove, who spend their days in prayer to the saint when they are not battling the enemies of the Imperium. Many combat training facilities have a likeness of the saint above their entrance and cadets are required to ask Drusus for his blessing before they enter.
The greatest shrine to Drusus can be found within the Cathedral of Illumination on Scintilla. This is also the headquarters of his cult, where his followers gather from across the sector to discuss cult business. It is also the place where prospective cultists are brought to pledge their devotion to the saint, often in mass blessings many thousand strong. Within the cult, Drusus is second only to the Emperor and comes even before the leaders of the Ecclesiarchy. Of equal importance to the grand shrine on Scintilla is Maccabeus Quintus, sight of the near death of Drusus during the Angevin Crusade. Then there is Sentinel, an obscure shrine world, located in the Drusus Marches. Exactly why the world is holy to the saint is unclear; thousands make the pilgrimage there, often to die in the shadow of Drusus’s monument. It is also important to the cult, and any who would rise to the higher ranks within it must travel to the world and ask the saint’s blessing. Due to the dangers involved, reaching the world and returning safely is usually considered as “proof ” of the saint’s favour.
Vidicus the Forlorn
Vidicus lived many hundreds of years ago and had a life plagued with misfortune and disaster. According to the tales, he was a Rogue Trader—unusual stock for a saint. He is said to have explored great areas of the sector single-handedly, pushing back its boundaries. During this time, it is said he was a greedy and petty man, who sought only to exploit the worlds he discovered and expand his wealth and power. Like many men in such stories, an unfortunate event taught him the error of his ways and brought him into the light of the Emperor. In Vidicus’s case it was the abduction of his daughter by alien pirates. He became driven to find her and scoured the sector in his search. He also turned completely to the worship of the Emperor and beseeched him for His guidance. What Vidicus received, however, was one disaster after another. First, his crew tried to mutiny and he was forced to lure them into a hold and vent them to the void. Then, his ship became lost in the warp and he was almost overcome by madness before he could return to realspace. Later, he was captured by Orks and only escaped by eating his own hands in an effort to impress his captors. The tales of Vidicus’s quest for his daughter are long and numerous; however, they have two important morals. The first is that no matter how forlorn the hope that he would ever see his daughter again, he never stopped searching. The second is that no matter what adversities the galaxy threw at him, he never lost faith in guidance of the Emperor. Years after Vidicus had vanished in his quest to find his daughter (whose name has oddly never been recorded), a group of clerics wrote an exhaustive treatise on his journeys and deeds. It was from this that the Ministorum recognised his deeds and devotion to the Emperor and raised him to sainthood. Even today there are few worlds in the Calixis Sector that do not have a tale of Vidicus and the time he visited their world seeking his lost child.
Though he has no cult, Vidicus has many worshippers. Most people have been touched by tragedy at one time or another or have embarked on a risky or foolish course of action. At these times, they look to Saint Vidicus to preserve them and give them hope. Likewise his shrines can be found throughout the sector, often tucked away in the corners of larger cathedrals, littered with small offerings and prayers. Travellers also often pray to him to guide them safely to their destinations and makeshift shrines exist to him on many vessels. The saint’s name also appears in many common phrases such as, “a Vidicus hope”, meaning something with a very small chance of success, or “following Vidicus”, meaning to obsess about something unattainable. Acolytes have also been known to invoke the name of Vidicus in their missions, sometimes scratching prayers to the saint on the inside of their armour. It is often joked (though out of earshot of any Inquisitors) that Vidicus would have made a good Acolyte.
Rybel Gorth the Watcher in the Dark
Rybel Gorth is unusual among saints because in life he was a psyker. Shunned by the Ecclesiarchy at the time and held in deep suspicion by much of Imperial society, Gorth was seen as a “necessary” second-class citizen. It is written that in his early life he worked aboard a warp-faring vessel, aiding the Navigator and helping to protect its passengers and crew. His story begins, however, during the evacuation of Canopus during the Heresy of Numbers. At this time, the world was being turned to ashes by bitter civil war and a great army of heretics had turned upon the Ecclesiarchy. Formerly a haven for religious learning and scholarly study, Sylor was filled with thousands of prominent and learned members of the Ecclesiarchy. Rybel Gorth’s ship was the only one to reach the world before the end and took aboard hundreds of Ministorum officials and scholars before making a hasty retreat into the warp. Tragically, however, the ship became lost in the warp and years dragged by as it searched for escape. During this time, the crew and passengers began to die. Fearing the loss of the wealth of knowledge he had been part of rescuing, Gorth used his powers to draw out and store the minds of those who died, keeping them safe within his own. When the ship finally broke free and found its way to safe harbour, Gorth was half mad with a brain brimming with a hundred minds.
Before he died, he transcribed the gathered knowledge of the scholars of Canopus, ensuring its survival. For his sacrifice, the Ecclesiarchy at the time blessed his memory and raised him to sainthood.
Rybel Gorth has few shrines and statues erected in his honour. Even now, centuries after his death, a certain distaste of him exists within the Ministorum. Even the majority of citizens who know of him, see him more as a malevolent presence rather than a source of comfort and guidance. They associate their fears about psykers and the warp with the saint, seeing him as the embodiment of this evil.
There are those, however, that do not have their vision clouded by such fears. These are mostly scholars, adepts and, of course, psykers. These people see Gorth for what he was—a powerful psyker who was able to use his gift to hold the warp at bay and keep safe those around him. He has become a protector of those who would deal with the forbidden and the unknown, especially psykers who try and divine secrets from the warp or use it to send messages across the stars. Psykers often say prayers to Rybel Gorth when they use their powers, hoping that he will protect them from the perils of the warp. Scholars who seek ancient secrets also pray to him lest they unearth or awaken the unnatural. The tale of Rybel Gorth is also often taught to Imperial psykers during their training, impressing upon them the importance of their devotion to the Emperor and the Imperium.
Quivvarr Nog of Fedrid
Few primitives have ever achieved sainthood, though Quivvar Nog is one of the rare exceptions. Hailing from the feral world of Fedrid, he was a warrior of one of the great plains tribes who told stories of long ago, when men were star-walkers. It is said he was present to witness the first failed attempt by the Imperium to recover his world. A group of missionaries came to Fedrid to spread the Emperor’s word and bring it back to the fold. No sooner had they made planetfall than they were set upon by the locals and almost wiped out. It was Nog’s tribe that gave the survivors shelter and listened to their tales of the Imperium. So inspired was the young warrior, he knelt beneath the stars and swore an oath to the Emperor that he would bring Fedrid back to him. For sixty long years, Nog made war on the tribes of Fedrid in the name of the Emperor, finally as an ancient and scarred old man unifying his people. It was not until two hundred years later that the Imperium returned, prepared to once again turn the wayward tribes of the world to the light of the Emperor. What they found was a world more devout than most, which honoured both the Emperor and his saint—Quivvar Nog. When tales of the primitive that had brought faith to the world reached the ears of the Ecclesiarchy, a delegation was sent to investigate. The results were that Nog was recorded as a hero of the Imperium and made a saint.
Shrines to Quivvar can be found dotted throughout the sector, especially on primitive or feral worlds where the inhabitants identify with him. There has been some dispute over the best way to revere Nog. On civilized worlds, marble or granite statues are built to him depicting the saint as a cleanshaven giant dressed in primitive but well-made armour with strong and handsome features. On primitive worlds, clay or wooden idols made in his likeness show him as a squat ugly man with dirty hide armour and a ragged cloak. It is argued that the former is a fantasy concocted by the Ministorum to make him more palatable to more civilized citizens, but one that ultimately betrays the saint’s memory. This has lead to the unpleasant practice of befouling statues and shrines that promote this “false” image by those who claim to honour the “true” Nog. In either case, Nog enjoys a broad following as the saint of perseverance and final victory through faith. He is often revered by those with long, thankless tasks ahead of them. Nog is also associated with those too stubborn or too stupid to give up, an aspect many Acolytes can readily relate to.
Elana the Unshaken
A missionary, Elana made it her lifelong goal to bring the word of the Emperor to the dark places of the Imperium. In her time, she travelled far and wide across the sector, often choosing planets noted for their unruly populations or deadly indigenous life. It is written that she bore a scar for each world she visited. From the swamps of Ichovor, where she suffered a disfiguring filth-fly bite, to the wilderness of Dusk, where she was savaged by predators, she stoically accepted these “scars” as part of her service the Emperor. More than once, Elana was captured by natives to be maimed or tortured in the name of heathen gods. In all such stories, however, despite the horrors inflicted upon her, she never faltered in her faith. In the end, after travelling to scores of worlds, Elana was captured by a foul Daemon-worshipping cult on a remote, unnamed feral world. The natives tied her up and threw her into their master’s cave as an offering. Over the next month the Daemon tired to break her faith. Each day it would come and devour some of her flesh and offer her release. Each day she would refuse. Eventually the Daemon consumed her completely because she would not turn from the light of the Emperor. Elana had a final vengeance, however, as, in eating her flesh and spirit, the Daemon ingested that part of the Emperor that resided within her. The Daemon died screaming as the holy light burned its essence away and freed Elana to her final reward. Clerics like telling this story to prove that faith in the Emperor can overcome anything.
Elana is a much loved and widely accepted saint within the Calixis Sector, and shrines to her can be found on many worlds. This is no doubt because she embodies many of the most desirable qualities in revering the Emperor, namely duty and devotion above personal safety. It might also be because hearing even a little of the saint’s suffering can make someone feel infinitely better about their own woes. Those that care for the sick commonly invoke the name of the saint in their work. They preach that Elana watches over all those who suffer in the Emperor’s name but who do not lose faith. In some places this line of reason has led to self-flagellation to honour the saint, though the more mainstream elements of the Ecclesiarchy agree that this is probably misguided. Acolytes may find solace in the worship of Elana when they suffer grievous wounds, praying to her to remind them that all that they do, they do for the glory of the Emperor

I pulled her card from my lockbox today. I couldn’t bring myself to remove it from its wrapping though. I’ll explain the card in a little while. Even in just that briefest of moments though, the tears became too thick. I so wanted to see her name. Instead I decided to only go back to the memories. They bring enough tears. So I put the card back but need to tell my story of that memory. So thank you for your time in letting me indulge dear Reader. I know your time is precious and I am loquacious of a sort.
The place I used to work at a long, long time ago, Croc’s, was an odd duck. It was a Transformer of sorts. During the day and early evening it was a damn good Mexican restaurant. One of the best in town. Lunch was insane. Dinner was a respite. But on Friday, Saturdays, some Thursdays, and almost every holiday eve, it was… I don’t even have words. Nothing like what went on in those walls had been seen in Denver at the time. We had lines around blocks. The plural is not a mistake. On those nights, Croc’s was THE place to be in Denver. The owners got there before everyone else and had hit a jackpot with the place. The Rockies were starting over at Mile High and moving to LoDo soon. LoDo was booming and we were in the middle of it partying like no tomorrow every night.
But this isn’t about that amazing place, that’s for another day. Nope. This is about her, her son and I. Or rather, about loss and memories. But it all started at Croc’s and you needed to know what a breath of a moment in time we shared there. Not on one of those crazy nights but one lazy Sunday when we were pretty slow.
I mentioned the restaurant was an odd duck. See, it was designed so that from breakfast through dinner and into very early evening, it was a purposeful, full-fledged, extremely popular, and well reviewed dining establishment. But after that, it was designed so we could remove every table, chair, stool and booth. We essentially turned the whole restaurant into a giant dance floor with a bar that spanned half the distance of the long wall topped with massive tequila and booze pyramids. The wells were at either end with a plant potter behind them for storage. It was split level(ish) with a few VIP areas squirreled away. State of the art DJ booth on the south end of the bar. Oh and did I mention we had a 28 foot replica of a Nile croc suspended from the roof named “Hal”.
The owners were a group of friends who had grown up in the business. One of them was from the family that started Senior Frogs and the like down in Mexico. They had all met and worked at some of the hottest places in the state and been to some of the craziest places around the Americas. So when I say no one had seen anything like it, they hadn’t. We had a person that would blow tequila from a custom bong into a partier's mouth from 30 feet away. Our DJ’s were the best in town. We poached the absolute best in talent from every bar in a 4000 mile radius. That movie “Cocktail”? Yeah, that was this place on steroids. Hell, beside myself and 1 or 2 other guys, our security eventually turned into off duty SWAT cops. All these places around Denver and, hell, around the country you see now? Yeah these guys started it right there in LoDo.
It was the paper and crayons we would put on every table though where my memory begins.
There had been other places that had done what we did with the butcher block paper. It went on every table with crayons. It wasn’t the most innovative thing there but it was fun and the patrons enjoyed it. Many great artists out there! And of course the kids loved it. A lot of the folks who lived around there would bring their kids with them for lunch or dinner. I worked a lot of Sunday day shifts because a) everyone was hung over and never wanted to work and b) it was usually a nice bit of quiet after two nights that would make Caligula jealous. Plus the people who did come in were usually pretty cool and just out for a good meal. It was pretty chill after all that joyous chaos.
My section was usually the front lifted area just in front of the potters and a few tables in the middle. I was splitting with the other server that day since it was more dead than usual. A beautiful Colorado day back then. Blue sky with puffy clouds. Perfect temperature with no wind so the front doors to the small little patio were open. You could smell the flowers from across the street. The other server let me know she had sat a couple of people at one of my four tops. Sounded good so I headed out to say hello.
It was customary for us to write our name on the paper when we showed up. It was hokie but everyone loved it. It was our way of saying welcome and have fun! Some servers could do it upside down but I could never get the hang of that.
I headed down the bar toward the front, preoccupied with getting my marker out for the intro. I remember coming around the corner of the potter and just kind of coming to a juddering stop at the top step, tripping and almost falling on my face. Luckily she was a little preoccupied with her son and getting him situated so she missed seeing me make a gobsmacked fool out of myself.
I luckily regained what little balance I could alongside some composure quick enough to walk up and say hi. She said hi and then kind of waited. “Oh yeah dumbass” I said to myself as I told her, or rather flubbed, my name as I wrote it in the corner so they could read it right side up. She giggled a little bit as most people did with my nickname at the time. I hadn’t noticed but her son had been waiting the whole time for that moment. He grabbed his crayon and wrote his name and her name in front of them. “That’s a good name isn’t it?” I asked him. I told him it was the same as mine but the longer version. He was a little surprised by this as I went by “Scooter” back then. It took a second but he quickly realized it was a nickname. He had signed the long version of our name and said that’s what he liked. Right on man, you got it. Damn smart kid. You can tell, ya know?
After that briefest of moments, I shook myself a little and introduced myself for, I think the fourth time now. She tells me her name but it is instantly gone. Not only because of the effect this moment is having on me, but just because I am bad with names on the first go around. I don’t think we heard what either was saying anyway. Our eyes were locked and in that moment, it was all that mattered somehow. I can remember how deeply they shined. Her hair was a little damp and unkempt like someone in a hurry but has that respect for herself. Dark like her eyes but shining from the light outside. A simple blue/light purple and white striped shirt. Slightly damp around the shoulders. Worn jeans. Not the designer type but jeans aged with a good strong life. Blue canvas deck shoes with the white souls if I remember that part right. Maybe black canvas. I saw all this without ever breaking her gaze.
It was as if in the same moment we both realized we were in the same place together but not there alone. A moment later we both found ourselves apologizing for talking over the other. Sheepishly, like teens on their first date. Giggling a bit. Not knowing what was happening but knowing that something most definitely was. I apologized for the awkwardness and I think I cracked a joke or something but neither of us knew what to do. There was a calm panic and, I dare to say, a longing that was unknown?
It was her son who brought us both back to reality. He had asked if we had Coke or Pepsi. I shook myself internally again and told him we had Coke but could find some Pepsi if he really wanted it. Luckily he was not a Pepsi kid. I also told him that, yes, I would be happy to add a cherry to it. This time though when I met his eyes, I looked at myself when I was that age, as I answered that question. I hadn’t noticed it. Like a mirror as they say. Dark brown hair full of cowlicks. Round face with a big smile. Getting that cherry meant the world to him. I remembered that same feeling again through him. It was like looking at a version of myself I only saw in pictures.
At this very second in time I remember being terrified. Not “scared” terrified. It was more like, holy shite is this happening? What is going on? I wanted to turn and run and hide but somehow regained what little composure was left in that split second. I turned back to her and saw that she had just seen what I had seen. I could see wonder, joy, confusion, happiness, peace, thrill, fear and hope that I am sure were being reflected in my own eyes. We both needed a few minutes. We each could see it. It was overwhelming. Again, not a bad overwhelming but one of those moments where you need to put your hands on your knees and take some big, deep breaths.
The whole 3 or 4 minutes were surreal. And I will never forget them. I will fight as hard as I can to hold onto the others I have of both of them.
Somehow I managed to Charlie Chaplin myself away to get their drink order. I believe hers was a Sprite with a lemon. Normally I would go right around the corner of the plant potter and get the sodas from the guns there. Instead I went all the way to the back station. I needed to breathe. It seemed like an hour but I headed back. By this time the son was going to town. He had talent and it showed. It seemed like we had regained ourselves somewhat but the whole meal was kind of like an episode out of a teen comedy. We giggled, laughed, blushed, and did all the other things you would expect to see from two teenagers who discover they like each other. It wasn’t like I was trying to stay with them, or they tried to keep me there. It just kind of happened. I’d start to go away and she would ask me back for something simple. I would bring something I had forgotten in case they needed it. The whole meal went that way.
When they were done and ready to go, I was dreading it. Should I ask her out? She had mentioned she was single. It felt like I should ask her out. Like I said, the whole visit was surreal. There was no ring or even a suntan line of one (Don’t judge me, it was a different time). I wasn’t seeing anyone either. We seemed to get along amazingly, both her and her son. Even my fellow server noticed and was egging me on. It was obvious. Doing something like that with a client back then happened. Not usually in the first 30 seconds but you never know. I made up my mind to walk them out as I had no other tables and see what happened. I took the check to the table. She was packing her bag. I had gotten a refill for his togo cup and handed it to him. He said thank you and said he drew something for me. They had carefully torn it from the paper and he handed it to me. It was the three of us holding hands. How I held the tears then I do not know. I was a different person there at that precise point in time. At this moment those tears are here though.
I bent down to his level and thanked him sincerely. He said he was glad I liked it and he hugged me. I heard her try to stifle her gasp. Thank any or no gods or whoever for him. He let go, grabbed his Mom’s hand and said he was ready to go. As I stood up I could see tears welling in her eyes. He hadn’t done that to another man in, what she said, was a very long time she would tell me in a quiet voice as we started to walk toward the door. That was it. I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t even noticed that when we got to the big double doors, he had grabbed my hand. It just was there.
By this time I do not think either of us really knew what to do or what was going on. I mean, this was an impromptu outing to a place her son had liked because of the paper. It was a cheap and good lunch and then off to wherever for them and another table for me while I rolled silverware in the back or stocked the empty quicks from the previous night. But it seemed like it had been years together but only moments, if that makes sense? I certainly did not know what to do at this point. I think I mumbled what a delight it was to be able to spend time with them and I hoped they had enjoyed themselves or something like that. I honestly could not tell you. By this time she had regained herself somewhat. That girlishness turned into an elegance, beauty and strength that I had not seen before. But those same feelings exchanged in that momentary glance were still there. As was still a bit of moisture along the bottom of her eyes. We made a bit of small talk till he got a bit antsy and wanted to head off.
As we said our goodbyes that day, almost at the same time, we asked our questions. I asked if she would like to come by again soon with her son. His birthday was coming up I think and I could get the guys in back to make him something special. At least I think that was it. Her’s was if it would be ok if they came back soon. You know because the little guy liked drawing and the food. More childish giggling and laughing. And before she left she gave me her card and said to call if I was going to be working again on a Sunday or just whenever. As they walked together, hand in hand down and around the corner, I just stared at them and then the card over and over.
That very card I put back in a safe place tonight.
She was a designer as it turned out. I didn’t pry into her past as it sounded like it wasn’t all that great at times. She came by the restaurant a few more times after that. I then called once or twice to say hi and how they were doing and to let her know to come by. Eventually she asked me out. We spent some time together and it started to get a little more serious. She was a few years older but not by much. She was driven and forthright. Quick witted and compassionate. And such a good Mom with a massive heart. I was young then, somewhat good looking, fairly well paid and worked at the hottest spot in the state. And I had this woman I couldn’t get out of my head. Even my coworkers knew and could see what was going on whenever we were together. Either just the two of us or all three of us. Walking on clouds was an apt statement. At this point I want to point out that while I am no saint whatsoever, I do consider myself a decent person. At least I was back then and for the most part today. Things have changed as they always do but I digress.
Eventually the moment came. The serious date. She had a small but fantastic apartment downtown and wanted to make me dinner for once. I don’t think she was done asking before I said yes. We set a date for later that week. I remember it was a Saturday because me taking a night off from that place, with all its amazing moments each night to the amount of money you walked out with each night to leaving one of the other bouncers with one of the other guys he wasn’t used to, was a pretty big deal. Had to call in favors but everyone just said go. No one there batted an eye. They all seemed to know what a big deal this was somehow.
We set it for a little later in the evening so I could get things in proper working fashion up front of the house and then head over. Any of you who have worked in a restaurant know that smell you get. Kind of need to have worked in that environment to know I guess. So that night, I didn’t have time to head home then come back. So I had a change of clothes and a vanity bag so I could clean up in the back. Wouldn’t be the first time I got sprayed down by the dishwasher but probably a first for this reason. Cleaned up pretty well, freshly shaved and quaffed, walking so far above Cloud 9 I lost track of which one I was on. Headed out to put the work kit and bag in the truck. On the way out a few who knew what had been going on smiled or waved.
And off I went. I was a little late but she said she had expected it given the night of the week. Back then, downtown Denver was different. Colorado was different. I guess everywhere was different back then. But in this instance, I mean in an architectural way. You didn’t have the towers all around LoDo as you do now. From some rooftops you could still watch a sunset over the mountains. Say what you will, even I have to admit that a purple and orange sunset over the mountains is quite possibly the most beautiful natural thing I have seen. It is immense but oh so fleeting. Just like our lives I guess. You could still hear birds and bugs over cars at times. I wouldn’t say it was peaceful but it was at least calm?
She was lucky as her apartment, though smallish, came with a hidden bonus. Her window allowed her to access the roof on the next building. A part of it anyway. But this little slice of hidden wonder allowed a view down Market Street, across Spear, over Auraria and then the mountain view. It was stunning. Like the apartment, the space was just cozy enough for two to enjoy a little rooftop barbeque and dining. She gave me the quick tour and we poured some wine. She was going through the menu as we “headed outside”. The door was a small little window. I remember scratching my head and thinking I may not fit out there. She handled it with the grace of a ballerina and said I could do it. It took a minute or two but I contorted my clumsy self outside. And she was right. It was spectacular.
Not just the view but what she had done with her little corner of peace. She had talked with the building owner who agreed that she could use this space as he didn't even know about it. It was like something out of a commercial today. A nice little seating couch type niche. Well built trellis with some small Christmas lights for effect. A little brick grilling area with a hibachi going. I can still smell it. The table with candles and dinnerware. Decking. I was taken aback. The way it was situated insulated her from the sounds down below. You could hear them but it was almost like distant white noise. It was just peaceful. I remember remarking about this. She said she discovered it by accident when her son thought it might be a good play area.
Dinner was wonderful. The night went on. There wasn’t a sense of time. Just us there in that little part of the universe that was only hers. To this day I do not think I felt that safe before anywhere nor since. Someone was letting me into one of their most sacred spots. Literally and figuratively. I felt privileged. Almost as though I was treading somewhere I shouldn’t be. I think that thought was my downfall however. Don’t worry dear Reader, you will understand all that very soon. We watched that sunset. It was perfect. The right contrast of colors. Just the right amount of clouds to change those colors ever so slightly. A reminder of how something can change for the simplest of reasons.
As night grew darker it started to get cold. The goosebumps we were feeling on each other's skin holding hands and looking at the stars weren’t just from feelings. It was getting cool so we moved inside. After safely dousing the grill and making sure the coals were in their proper place, we cleaned up. Since it was easier, I stayed outside and handed them into the house to her. We figured it would be safer for the dishes. Giggled some more as we came to realize more and more things about each other at the same time. Finally the outside was clear. I stood outside for another minute to take in what was happening. I think that is then that little bit of fear weeded its way in without my realizing it. This was as close to perfect as I could ever dream I thought.
After squeezing back inside, assisted again but ok with that, we cleaned up the dishes and opened another bottle of wine. The inside was just as cozy. At some point she had lit some more candles and had some soft music going. Light jazz if I remember. Not loud at all. Again, there, just outside the periphery. Sitting on the couch I can feel her sitting next to me. We are close. Two people holding each other wanting to believe but not sure if this is real. There was almost a vibration. The constant goosebumps were not because of the cold anymore. Once we were both comfortable and we just talked. For hours and hours. There were the intimate moments but nothing scandalous. A tenuous kiss from one to the other.
We talked about what two people talk about who truly want to know the other. I believe we asked as many honest questions of ourselves as we did of the other. We really, truly, wholly wanted to know each other. And that is what we did. The more we talked the more comfortable we felt. Each of us had our scars that were not easily revealed. Nor did we reveal all of them that night and guarded them well. But we each wanted to know if the other was someone we could trust with those deepest places that we all hide in the darkest parts of our soul.
We talked a little about her son’s father but not in depth. It was easy to see that was one of the scars. We talked about her son. Why she was so astonished that first day. My heart wrenches this very moment dear Reader upon remembering that. Her hopes for him. His likes and his dislikes. Some of the stories parents tell others to embarrass their children later in life. We talked about what futures there could be not for us but for him and his world. He really was an amazing kid and I am sure has grown up to be someone she can be proud of. Time did not exist that night. Feelings and thoughts were exchanged that did not need to be said. We just knew each other that night.
We never did finish the second bottle if memory serves, we talked, laughed and sat together in peaceful comfort and gave no care about anything else. But tomorrow was coming as it always does and we had to leave each other. I remember the closeness as we held each other. The pressure of two bodies at that singular moment in time. That one instant that feels as though it could last through infinity. When two become one and feel the safety, love, compassion, trust and sameness that is rarely, if ever experienced.
Pardon me dear Reader but must ask a moment to compose myself. We are getting close to the end of my tale so also ask for just a bit more of your time. I know how so very precious it is. Thank you for allowing me to continue.
I do not know how long we held each other. To this day I wish it had been so much longer however. I do remember leaving. Working where I did, I was sadly but actively very familiar with many different levels and types of inebriation. That feeling that morning however was something that surpassed all that I had experienced in my life. I had never felt like this. I knew that the sun was starting to come up as I parked my car. I knew that I got through the door, downstairs and then fell asleep. I wasn’t drunk. It was pure. A pure love, happiness, joy and trust I had never felt from someone else. This feeling was so powerful it had knocked me for a loop that I just was not ready for.
I awoke later that day, thankful I didn’t have to work. It was late in the afternoon and I felt like I had been hit by a bus but didn’t care. I believe that the night before we both had excised many things that we had held inside for so long. I could (and can) still remember the whole night if not the words. I felt like one does after you give everything physically possible to something and have nothing left to give. But it felt right. Regardless of the ending, I do believe that, even though brief, that night, two people who had needed to find each other did. I think they needed to know that there was at least one person who understood, even if they hadn’t needed to actually say anything.
Now dear Reader I must ask you to remember that part about fear. Given my early life and life up to that point and to this day, I do find it very hard to trust. So this was something I had to confront. And so I started to. Instead of seeing what she saw in me, I saw the things I thought were ugly. I got scared that those scars would be peeled away and she would be repulsed. And these thoughts and fears grew. We still saw each other and talked for a while after that night. But my fear took over quickly. Before I knew it I had driven her away. There was no maliciousness about it. The thoughts that had ruled my life for so long before her and then after her, to this day, always got to the same thing. If you let her in, she will leave because of who you are. It was idiotic but it was ingrained at this point. I eventually told her I didn’t think it was going to work out. The truth was that I was scared. Scared to let her in. I hated myself for not being honest with her. She would have understood. Probably more than any other.
After that, I went on with my life as a young person does in that atmosphere. I saw her one time after that final talk. She waved as she and her son sat in a section away from mine. I waved back and remembered going out back and beating the hell out of our cooler there. I was so mad at myself then. While the anger passed as life threw one thing at me after another as it does until I find myself here today writing this, the pain of losing her has never healed. Nor do I want it to. That pain also brings memories that I so rarely experience anymore. I buried it for a long, long, long time but recently I find myself thinking about her and her son more and more. What would have been?
For you see dear Reader, that moment was my perfect chance. Not long ago in my life I was diagnosed with cancer. I eventually beat it but it has long since ruined my life. But that is not why I tell this tale. I ask for no sympathy. My life is where I am supposed to be. I have come to peace with that. To an extent I guess anyway. The reason it was my perfect chance is this. I was also diagnosed with a genetic defect which essentially makes me a cancer producer with no natural way to fight it. My mothers father died of colon and pancreatic cancer. My Mother has beaten 5 different bouts of cancer. I have been tested and confirmed. So if I had had a child, I would more than likely have passed that to them. After listening to what my mother watched her father go through. After watching my own Mother fight this monster 5 times and win each time. After all that I was horrified to learn that I could have passed this monster to someone I would have loved with all my heart.
I never married and never had a child. For most of my life I regretted that most of all to the point of shame. I am the last person in my familial lineage that will ever carry my name. My line dies with me. For the longest time that has been a great burden. However, after the geneticist confirmed me and a great deal of internal contemplation, with the aid of hindsight, part of me is glad that I never had a wife and child who would have to go through the horrors I have heard about, watched and gone through first hand and personally. That at least brings me a modicum of inner peace. Do not be fooled ever though. This monster is evil. It takes everything from all but the luckiest.
And I had my moment of perfect chance. Even though I did not know it at the time, I had an opportunity to spend the rest of my life with two someones who I truly believe to this day, loved me. Even if for so very briefly. I gave up the chance to be able to be a husband and care for someone I believe I loved and loved me. I had a chance to be the father I wanted to be without passing on my monster. To see a child grow into their best self. I get angry at times that I did this. Not necessarily my own selfish needs. I am also mad that this person trusted me and I couldn’t do the same in the end. That I let a child down who for his own reasons let me in when he shut others out. That we could have been the family we could have been. And I ran because I was scared. I can never forgive myself for doing that to them. This may sound selfish and perhaps it is but it is my history.
And now dear Reader we come to the end of my tale. Where it all began.
Her card.
I think you will understand why I put it away instead of taking it out after this. I mentioned that she was a designer. Her card is exquisite. I don’t need to see it to describe it. There is a silver cord ribbon wrapped around a waxed paper tied in a bow. It sparkles silver but is brittle after all the years. I can slide the card out carefully but don’t want to take a chance of damaging it. My hands aren’t the best anymore. The writing on the card is done with a most excellent penmanship in purple over white with black. The backing is white with the black used as border highlighting with purple as the border and main color. There is a bit of sparkle in one of the purples but not a garish amount. Just enough to catch the eye. The back is similar with details of her work at the time as well as some contact information. I don’t know if she did this on all of them, but there was a scent of her perfume that accompanied it for a while. It, like much else, has faded.
We all have a place to keep our most precious items. This one rarely leaves that place for me.
So in the really bad times dear Reader, I try to look at that card. I say try because it is very painful to try to do so. Today was one of those days and I wanted to share it. In the end I couldn’t get past the tears to look at it so returned it to its safety. Not really because of the pain. Believe me, the pain is there in vast amounts. But because of that first moment. I needed to remember what that feeling was like. I needed to remember what it is to look in another's eyes and see the whole universe and all its infinite possibilities. Some regrets, regardless of time, will always follow you. Be honest about that with yourself dear Reader. Today I needed to remember her and him. I needed that acceptance. That peace. That joy, That trust. That love.
This time however I needed to commit this to our history so that perhaps at least one other will read it and maybe it will impact somehow. This is not meant to be a moralistic tale. It is just a tale of love lost. A life that could have been different. I hope, dear Reader, that your life is filled with wonder and love. Do not miss a single chance in your life because of fear. Be cautious but be open. Your world is massive but also miniscule. The chances don’t happen often anymore so grab them and hold onto them when you can. Try to think of all possibilities and look through others' eyes. But most importantly. If you do find your perfect moment, do not let it go dear Reader. It may never come again.
That is the end of my tale. I thank you so much dear Reader. As I have said many times, your time is precious and I have taken enough. Safe journeys to you my friend.

Went to dealer to get my CVT checked on a 2014 XT Touring at 75K miles, six months shy of my 10 year mark for the extended warranty. They replaced the CVT under extended warranty.
Fast forward three months later - and it just doesn't seem right. Every once in a while I would notice a shudder. Took it back in to dealer and they said "we don't have any codes, but there is definatley something wrong here." I dropped the car off Tuesday morning and I still haven't gotten an update and it's Friday night... I wonder if I should take it to a different Subaru dealer.
Thinking I should sell this car if I can get over 12 for it. I love her but I'm worried about the future.

I just got this disciplinary "write up" of sorts, for supposedly not picking what the system said to pick (system must have goofed there, they weren't mad at me about that to their credit cause that most certainly was not my fault) and not doing enough to make sure meat was filled this past Monday, cause the morning person apparently had to pull 92 cases the next day.
Again, they weren't being assholes about it and I'll do what I can to fill more shit from here on out, but I just feel like there's more pressure and scrutiny on this shit meanwhile I'm the only person in both meat and produce on Fridays now. Sick of the pressure.

I'll try and keep it short. Based on the many comments I got the idea I liked the most was the one of greeting them in their language the next time they came. Friday, morning, me showering alone, the usual. Like clockwork at this point they arrive a little after me I can hear them speaking on their way to the showers. Usually they just take the showers in front of me and go about their stuff, but this time I made eye contact with one of them and said "good morning" in their language. His eyes opened wide for a second and he froze in place. Then he answered good morning to me as well, as the group got under the showers. Things were quiet for a few moments as they realized I probably could understand everything they said and they were likely thinking back of anything embarrassing they might have said. One of them in particular was red like a tomato flustered under the shower. They whispered a few things among them, and I did not say anything nor could hear them, but after a few minutes the tense mood cooled down and they were back to showering like normal. We even talked a little bit! They asked me about what my job is and I learned they go to the same school I went to (not surprising given the area).
But we mainly talked mundane stuff. Since I had entered the shower earlier than them I bid them farewell and went to change. By the time I was almost dressed up they had exited as well and I caught a glimpse of one of them waving at me as I was leaving.

[Bonsai Beginner’s weekly thread –2023 week 23]

Welcome to the weekly beginner’s thread. This thread is used to capture all beginner questions (and answers) in one place. We start a new thread every week on Friday late or Saturday morning (CET), depending on when we get around to it. We have a 6 year archive of prior posts here…
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We're visiting Paris from 19 June to 24 June, and are aiming for a balance of wanders & museums/sights. I also love bookstores, antiques, and unique little shops, so would be grateful for your suggestions!
I'm terrible at geographical logistics, even with Google Maps, so are there ways I could be more efficiently planning routes? Have I packed in too much? Any can't-miss stops I should add or take out? Many thanks in advance for the review!
MONDAY 19 June

• Morning: Arrive at 8 AM, staying near Commerce metro stop
• Afternoon/Evening: Will be jetlagged, so loosely planned walk to Eiffel Tower, Arc du Triomphe (not planning to go up either), down Champs-Élysées, maybe picnic in Jardins de Tuileries before turning in early. (Stop by Librairie Galignani)

TUESDAY 20 June

• Morning/Breakfast at Les Enfants Rouge Food Market
• 10:30 - 12:30 PM Paris Walks walking tour of le Marais
• Lunch at L'As du Fallafel
• Wandeshop le Marais (Merci, Buly), Maison Victor Hugo, possibly go to Picasso Museum
• Dinner at Verjus, rooftop drinks at Galeries Lafayette

WEDNESDAY, 21 June

• Breakfast/Morning: Ile de la Cite for Notre-dame (ext) and Sainte Chapelle
• Afternoon: Wandeshop Latin Quarter (Shakespeare & Co, Deyrolle), possibly Musee Rodin
• 4 - 7 PM: Paris Greeter Tour - Location TBD (The kindest greeter offered to take us on a walk to see live music for Fête de la musique, we'll have dinner with him)
• 10 PM: Worth it to go to the concert at Louvre or just walk along the Seine, check out some of the plazas? We love music, so we're thrilled we'll be here for the Fête

THURSDAY 22 JUNE

• Morning: Wandeshop around St. Germain (Marin Montagut, Deyrolle)
• Lunch: Pick up food at La Bon Marche, picnic at Luxembourg Gardens
• 2 - 4 PM: Guided tour of Louvre (Will the crowds be too intense? Might try to book Friday evening tour instead)
• Afternoon/Evening: Louvre on our own, walk around Tuileries if museumed out
• Dinner: Seulement Sea
• Possibly do evening river cruise?

FRIDAY 23 JUNE

• Morning: Worth it to check out Marché Paul Bert & Marché Serpette? Or another antique market?
• Morning/Afternoon: Sacré-Cœur, then walk around Montmartre (Place du Tertre, Café des Deux Moulins, Moulin Rouge, Musee de Montmartre)
• Lunch at Café Renoir in the Musee or Le Consulat
• 3 - 5 PM: Musee d’Orsay
• 8:30 PM: Dinner at Mokoloko (Bastille)

SATURDAY 24 JUNE

• Grab snacks/lunch for train, then 11:30 AM train to Avignon

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6 years into my career I’m looking to leave consulting and exit my company all together. My former manager, who I adore, has since moved into industry and had an attractive opportunity come available that she thought would be a good fit. She and I had an initial conversation with her director (who I’d be reporting to), and it really felt like the ball was in my court. I then had a follow up conversation with my old manager, who seemed keen on moving forward. I was already iffy on the poor parental leave policy (I made her aware) and when she mentioned it would be a 15% paycut, let her know that’s a huge decision point for me. She was completely understanding and let me know I could take my time. In the meanwhile, she said she and her director would get a formal job description together to help guide my thinking.
The role seems to be good enough to where if the pay was slightly higher, I’d leave. But I’m too comfortable at my current company, not miserable, and been sitting at my current salary band long enough to where it would have to be a step up for me to leave.
She and I were supposed to meet today, and I was going to break the news that I had made up my mind and had to regretfully decline. However, she had to postpone since the job offer isn’t ready. I’ll be on vacation next week, so we plan to reconvene once I’m back.
That said, I already feel immensely guilty for declining when she went the extra mile to make this process easy for me. I know the role wasn’t designed FOR me, but she had me in mind. I don’t want to decline over text, especially since it’s late Friday and I leave for vacation tomorrow morning, is it rude for me to leave this hanging until we meet once I return?
I thought about texting her that I’m leaning towards declining so she has an expectation, but don’t want to set a negative tone for the conversation. She was hoping the job description would help solidify my decision either way. I just feel badly about stretching this process out.

Ashes shaped like the entire rave remained in the outline of a single soaring rook. I awaited their arrival. I had known to go no further than Man's Bane. I first had to sort out the Choir. I had no choice but to choose which of them would stay and live with the animals and which ones could come with me and my talking crow Cory, back to our own world.
They had a chorus of questions, most of them difficult to answer, for they were the inquisitions of the enchanted and the insane. The gibberings of the transformed ravens, now escaped medieval asylum patients, earned the attention of the inhabitants of Man's Bane. I glanced around nervously at the various animals attempting to walk upright, some of them wearing a single article of clothing or clutching an artifact of the old world.
"We are here to sort out a few of you." I told them plainly. Many of the Choir were compulsive murderers and worse. I simply couldn't unleash them back on the world. They'd have to live among the animals.
I first pointed to Serene Sinclair. "Do you want to stay here or come with me?"
She walked over to where Cory and I were.
"Well if she's your first choice, why not all of them?" Cory squawked.
"You'll remain under my supervision, right?" I asked her.
"I just want to be helpful." She promised.
"You do? Is that right?" I stared. Cory made a grinding noise in the back of his throat that meant he found her words amusing somehow. He was laughing and said in Corvin:
"She quotes you, my Lord. Remember when you met my Winters?"
"Uh, yes." I clicked to him in annoyance. "She has magics."
"Oh. Is that all?" Cory sassed me.
We continued to argue in Corvin as I selected a few more of the Choir. I was being careful. If I picked the wrong one or wasn't careful of the commotion, I could have a riot of lunatics and beastmen. I just wanted to make it home in one piece.
"Dini Ghanat, Jessica Darling, Clide Brown." I called on several more dangerous ones, yet they were the ones that were too dangerous to leave behind. Cory clicked rapidly at me in disapproval.
"Your bird. It does not like me." Dini Ghanat said with his heavy accent. I reached into my bag and took out the little leather case with his serum inside.
"You will not operate without my oversight." I told him.
"Of course not. You are our fearless leader." Dini Ghanat grinned obsequiously. I trusted him as far as I could reach. I knew better than to leave him behind in the fertile world of unguarded labs and shuffling beastmen. He'd experiment on them and make some kind of weird animal-man realm that I would have to worry about. I wanted to leave Man's Bane behind and forget the world or time period entirely.
"Christo?" I asked the man with a different Christo in his mind. He looked at me as the Christo I could trust.
"You can come too." I told him. Then I told him he was on fire and the other Christo stared at me. I told that Christo: "Sorry. You gotta stay here. You will never have another birthday if you come with us. Here though, it is always Saturday. Tomorrow is your birthday, and you know what that means."
"I can play with Polly?" The other Christo asked. His menacing grin spread, reminding me vaguely of the cartoon of the Grinch from my childhood.
"Well, goodnight Christo." I smiled. Christo turned around and then looked at me and asked:
"Where are we going?"
"I'm going home and I am taking you with me." I promised.
"I don't think this is how this works." Cory advised me with mock cynicism.
"It was your idea!" I hissed back.
"Oh yeah." Cory made a noise that was his most mischievous.
I picked a few more before we took that final flight as ravens. I got Samual Monica, Castini Ishbaal and Father Dublin the Exorcist. We flew the rest of the way, backwards through time, as ravens. The Choir was split, I'd say those I left there became the Choir and those I took were no longer really of the Choir anymore.
The world had changed in many ways and yet it had stayed the same. What I mean, is that the disasters of the time when we struggled to close the book of evil, or the time we were in Dellfriar and the world ended, all seemed to be gone.
The effect of such horrors pressed in from the sides of the familiar world I had once known. I asked Cory:
"Am I experiencing hallucinations from the medications we were taking in Dellfriar?"
"No, my Lord. We are escaped mental hospital patients in the same world we left long ago. How is this possible?" Cory sounded amazed and spoke in English.
I looked at the assembled ex-Choir members with me. They were all somehow out-of-place if we weren't facing the post apocalyptic horrors I had expected.
"You look confused." Dini Ghanat told me.
"I thought." I stammered. "I thought things would be different out here."
"How? We escaped." Father Dublin smiled. "What did you expect?"
"A world in ruins and desolation. A world ruled by rampant monsters and vengeful enemies like the Folk Of The Shaded Places." I tried to explain what my expectations were. "This changes things."
"This world is coming apart at the seems. It is about to collapse. The ends of all worlds push at its sides, like a dying universe, everything dies." Serene Sinclair announced in proclamation.
"Now wait." I told her. "You sense all of that too?"
"Indeed. You have chosen a tribe of the most dangerous, and some might be too dangerous. You chose most of them not." Serene Sinclair prophesized me. "And you would know death either way. At least this way you shall know its form."
"I'm starting to like her too." Cory chirped meanly.
"Your bird doesn't like any of us, does he, Mr. Briar?" Dini Ghanat was somehow behind me. I'd taken my eye off of him for one second.
"He doesn't trust you. He's seen how dangerous you all are. I'm taking you home to my family, showing a lot of trust in all of you, despite what I too have seen you all do. However, unlike those we left behind, none of you have ever threatened me or Cory or my family. To be fair, you've never given me a reason not to trust you."
"You're speaking to all of us, then?" Clide Brown asked.
"Dude, you're a werewolf." I gestured that I was making my point anyway. He nodded and muttered:
"Good point. I see your point. Yeah."
"I couldn't leave you people behind. Over these years, stealing artifacts and everything, you all have become like this depraved, lunatic family to me. Stop drooling." I said. I was looking at Christo on my last beat. "The point is, I have another family. Can I count on all of you as I already have? I have to ask."
"You can't count on me. We don't know if the moon is full. I could kill everyone." Clide Brown had changed his discord as he spoke. His confidence always went out of him whenever anyone mentioned his other half.
"Cory, is the moon full?" I asked my talking crow. Cory called out and his crow's call was answered by another.
"Of course it is." Cory said in English.
"See?" Clide Brown started swearing.
"Relax, I am only joking. We have a few nights to get ready for your monthly puberty." Cory teased the agitated werewolf.
Clide Brown frowned but was obviously still far from any sort of anger. He had the best anger management skills.
We all got onto the back of a hay wagon with nobody driving it and rode into town. In the street outside Dr. Leidenfrost's apartment we stood, a gaggle of straight jackets and a gleaming razor sharp hook on the end of Jessica Darling's prosthetic arm. There were no other visible weapons, but I knew all of them were armed.
It was early evening and I sensed something watching us. They were in the shadows, moving along in the darkness and avoiding the streetlights as they turned on one-by-one in the gloom.
"What is it?" Father Dublin asked, fear beaded on his forehead as he realized we were being stalked.
"Folk Of The Shaded Places." I thought I saw one as a dark rod, moving in jagged animation through a patch of shade and shifting light. Somehow the Cambrian elder was like a centipede, in its general shape. They were intricate and with a hundred different limbs and their faces somehow evoked an image of all-teeth, the kind that snack on trilobites. I knew their intelligence too, an angry and ancient species, waiting for their world to return to their endless hands. It was just my imagination, but it was also reality. Folk Of the Shaded Places could travel instantly from one dark corner, into a dream, through a wall and back into another shadow. To see them in any capacity, always occurs as a partial glimpse, easy to ignore.
"What to they want?" Dini Ghanat was perplexed. He used a simple charm to look and try to see them magically. "I'd like to know them better."
"No, you wouldn't. Trust me." I assured the mad alchemist and disgraced scientist that stared after the spy from the darkness.
The spies in the darkness were gone, I could sense that they had left us.
"Daddy!" Came the voices of Persephone Briar and Penelope Leidenfrost, my daughters. They came running out to greet me.
"I knew you were coming. I've watched all of your flights." Penelope told me. Her heterochromic eyes were the most beautiful in the whole world. She blinked as she spoke to me for the first time in her life.
"Daddy, you're back. Sister told me you were here." Persephone told me.
I stared at her, unbelieving how she had grown. My mind flashed to the rampage of the giant horse, death, gemstones, all of it to serve the cats so that she would live. I had always loved her, even when she was not alive, at the beginning.
I hugged them both.
"Such a sweet reunion." Samual Monica commented. There was always a strange hint in his voice. Part of me was not happy to let him near my family, but also, he was family now too.
Then I looked up and saw the love of my life, after being away for so long. She stood there, every aspect of her was dark, as she stood in the shaft of light from her home. A fairy flitted from her shoulder back to the sanctuary of indoors.
"Heidi?" I stared and stood and trembled. My legs forgot their strength when I tried to walk towards her. Clide and Christo were there to hold me up.
"I can walk." I said softly and I did. I walked to Dr. Leidenfrost.
"Welcome home, Lord." Dr. Leidenfrost stared at me. I wondered if she still loved me too. I noticed Isidore approaching me. She hugged me and then stepped back next to Dr. Leidenfrost.
"Who are all of these people?" Dr. Leidenfrost asked me.
"These people are my new family members." I told her.
"A gang of murderers that have escaped from Dellfriar with you?" Dr. Leidenfrost asked strangely.
"Well - I mean -when you put it in that way." I argued against her wording.
"I've missed you so much!" Dr. Leidenfrost nearly jumped me in the parking lot.
"You all have to stay out here." Isidore told the escaped insane asylum patients. "Girls, come inside, now."
And our daughters obeyed and I went inside with my family and Cory flew on in ahead of me and landed on the back of the couch.
"Right now." Dr. Leidenfrost wanted to rekindle our marriage immediately. I went with her and did so. When we were rekindled we found it was almost morning already.
"Your friends are keeping quiet out there." Isidore told me, over breakfast.
"What is going on? You're the only people we've seen." I ate.
"There's a massive evacuation going on." Dr. Leidenfrost explained. "But Agent Saint called and told us to stay right here. She said it would be safe until she gets here."
"Why?" I asked.
"Supposedly there is to be a tsunami. That was more than two days ago." Dr. Leidenfrost nodded sagely. "It was all a lie."
"I see." I gulped. "We gotta feed them. No low blood sugar for our crazy people."
"I already fed them. I didn't want to stay in the apartment while you two, you know." Isidore blushed.
"Did you want some of him? He's still yours too." Dr. Leidenfrost teased her.
"Stop, Heidi." Isidore looked at me and our eyes met briefly. I wondered if she had ever loved me. It didn't matter, she loved me as a friend, which was fair enough. I hadn't felt particularly crazy about her, after-all.
Dr. Leidenfrost watched our gazes repulse each other like opposing magnets and made a clicking sound with her tongue. Cory appreciated the word and translated, hopping up and down with excitement:
"My Matron calls you both cowards!" Cory exclaimed in English.
"You are both cowards." Dr. Leidenfrost confirmed. "That's why I am the head of this family."
"Fair enough." I muttered. Isidore said nothing.
"I don't agree." The soft and melodious voice of our resident fairy spoke up. "Lord has shown courage when he fears for another's sake. I've seen him stand against wrongdoing with no guarantee he could survive."
I looked over and spotted Silver Bell alight upon Dr. Leidenfrost's shoulder. I smiled and greeted her:
"Hello Sylvia." I recalled her earthbound name and used it instead of her Faerie name.
"I've waited a long time to go home." Silver Bell was glowing. "Penelope has drawn my key, but she is not strong enough to conjure. She needs her father for that."
"What?" I asked.
"You stole the way for such a key to be crafted. In Faerie, it was your theft that removed the one who would have touched the gold to craft it into what we needed. No new key can be made, without the hand of a smith. Do you remember?" Silver Bell explained. In her voice she sounded tired, there was no resentment.
"I rescued a child from your queen." I recalled. "Is that the consequence?"
"There is a horror upon your world. If we do not reverse the ways of magic, Man will fall. Nothing good will rise in your place. I have learned of all these things while trapped in your realm. I must report to my queen that Faerie cannot stand and do nothing or we will be obliterated next. What happens to one part of the body affects the whole." Silver Bell spoke slowly and we all listened.
"What horror?" Dr. Leidenfrost asked, her voice hushed.
"Lord knows of it. That is why I know he will help me. Your daughter has drawn my key. Now her father will forge it for me. It must be done." Silver Bell demanded.
Dr. Leidenfrost stood up and went to her desk. She opened a drawer that contained a stack of drawings made by the girls that hadn't made it to the gallery on the refrigerator.
After a silent shuffling she found a drawing of a key. She stared at it and then her eyes watered. She hadn't known what it was.
I got up and walked over to her and said quietly:
"She is like me. She is also like you."
"I know Lord, that's what scares me."

Throughout highschool I had smoked weed relatively often, maybe once every few weeks and I was always able to handle quite a bit without any bad effects. I’d get extremely high, sure, but never uncomfortable.
One time however, me and a few friends decided to go to a beach to smoke some of their uncle’s home-grown weed. The tide was going out and the beach has extremely shallow water so when the tide is low you can walk like a kilometer out towards the sea over flat sand. We made a fire and had some hot dogs. Once the sun started to set my friend pulled out a joint and lit it. He warned us it was fairly potent so we all had a conservative hit and enjoyed the sunset. When it was dark we were all a little high and having a good time so we decided to smoke a little more. I'm not sure when exactly it happened but I started feeling uncomfortable. I couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me but we decided to go for a walk on the beach to do something to take my mind off of it.
We walked out towards the sea for a while and looking back at land I could see the fire on the beach with trees behind it silhouetted by the moonlight. I started having a good time again and was chilling. My friend started doing this thing where he'd draw a line in the sand and then jump through it, saying he just went through a portal. I did it too with him and it was a good bit of fun. We were basically imaging we were in another dimension, and I remember he pointed out a little cloud and called it a UFO, since it was illuminated by the moon. Because we were both pretty high it was entertaining and I sorta imagined it to be a ufo.
At some point through jumping through these "portals" I started becoming very disoriented. My high imagination was getting the better of me and I started thinking "maybe I really did go through a portal". My friends noticed something was up so the sat me down on the beach and talked to me. I closed my eyes and my friends voice seemed to teleport around me, almost as if I were spinning in circles as he talked to me. The direction of the voice would be illuminated by a white light in my vision when my eyes were closed. Very suddenly I felt extremely dissociated, and when I opened my eyes and looked back to the fire my vision seemed to pivot upwards, as if it was a TV screen folding up to the ceiling. This is when the paranoia became super intense.
I had many existential thoughts running through my mind, all along the lines of "am I a real person? Are my friends real people? How am I conscious if I am just a brain?". As you probably know, these thoughts on drugs can be very hard to describe accurately after the fact, and they can be extremely overwhelming and convincing at the time. As I thought these things I became increasingly disconnected from my body and convinced that all of reality was an illusion. That we were nothing more than a bunch of biochemistry in an organic body. I looked at my friends and I saw them as zombies, not hallucinating, but I "realized" that people were like animals reacting to the world around them based on stimuli and chemistry. Sort of like the "deterministic universe theory". This freaked me the hell out. On top of this I felt as if I had been stuck in a time loop for many many many hours. I felt like I'd never leave this terrifying dissociative state, and I was stuck there with all of these thoughts in my head forever.
As I was on this beach basically going insane I had these visions of different monsters on the beach with me. I can't say if they were real hallucinations or if I was imagining it with my eyes closed, but I saw thousands of people on the beach stumbling around like zombies. Guided only by the primal instincts that the chemistry in the brain dictates. Like a sea of zombies out of the walking dead, except they weren't dead or rotting. I saw this as if I were not in my body, but floating above because I was extremely dissociated. Again, my eyes may have been closed and I was just imagining all of this, but it felt very real.
I have a very hard time remembering exactly how long this all lasted, but it felt like a LONG time, to the point where I thought I had been like this forever and also I would be like this forever. The next thing I remember seeing was looking around me at this beach sandy beach which seemed to stretch infinitely in each direction other than the shore. I saw these one-eyed black blobs sprout from the ground. They had like a teardrop shape with a stump at the bottom. Look up "chuchu zelda phantom hourglass" and its basically a one eyed black version of those. There seemed to be hundreds of them on the beach.
I think it was at this point when my friends took me back to the shore. It was probably only like 10 minutes since I started freaking out but it felt like eternity. We had parked one of our cars there and had plans to be picked up by another friend after his night shift. I went and sat in the backseat of the car and I opened my phone to look at who had snap chatted me. I looked at the bitmojis and they seemed completely foreign and I couldnt assign a real person to each of them. I felt as if I had forgotten who I was and who I knew. I looked at photos of people on my phone and couldn't remember who they were. I then felt as if I had pissed myself. I hadn't, but that feeling kinda woke me up and I actually laughed about it and then promptly went back to freaking out. I kept telling my friend "make it stop" over and over again.
Eventually at some point my other friend picked everyone up and drove us home. I had a hard time falling asleep, although I was less panicked at that point.
In the morning I woke up and felt extremely strange. As if I was watching my vision through a screen like playing a video game. The next couple weeks were scary because I was very forgetful. I forgot where my friend lived when driving them home one day that week. I couldn't picture people's faces if I tried. I felt as if I wasn't real. I was terrified that I had broken my brain or that I was going insane.
The scary thoughts I had during that experience plagued me for two years. I found myself mulling over these existential thoughts that I couldn't put into words very well. I also felt very dissociated for a year, gradually getting better until 3 years after the incident where I finally felt normal. I went to therapy for it and it helped a bit, but I never found a magic cure to my dissociation other than just waiting it out. I also had semi-regular anxiety attacks for a while related to existential dread which I hadn't had before and haven't had recently either.
I have tried smoking weed a few times since then and the same sort of paranoia has happened, to a slightly lesser extent though. Most recently was 4 years after the experience and I had instant paranoia about the feeling of being high. I used to be able to keep up with my "experienced" friends when smoking weed but now I cant even handle a single small hit off of the weakest joint you can buy. I find it really interesting and that the experience instantly and permanently lowered my weed tolerance to exactly zero. I have also tried LSD and mushrooms since then and they were totally fine, no scary experiences there.
Every time I've told people this story they don't believe me that I had this time-loop effect. They also don't really believe that I saw those zombies or those monsters (neither hallucinations or imagining). They suggest that maybe the weed was laced but that's virtually impossible because it was home grown and I personally know the guy who grew it.
Anyway, roughly 4 years later I feel fine. The dissociation is gone and I don't have much existential dread. Not due to me finding any sort of answer or coming to terms with it, it just seemed to fade away by itself. Glad its all over now.
Anyone else have similar experiences with weed?

Hey hey everyone! So it’s going to be my first time camping and going to Elements Festival. Me and my boyfriend aren’t sure what to bring and what is needed. We can’t get there Thursday but will arrive Friday morning. Any tips on what to bring and how to prepare?

I got lambasted all day because I was complaining that I was told the north transfer point is completely shutting down..
That seems to be still a constant but then people are telling me that the parking lot itself you are able to park at..
This would be absolutely wonderful because I don't mind walking 5 to 10 minutes to know that I can have my vehicle in a nice reasonable spot..
The new Metro lines seem to absolutely destroy any aspect of parking in a parking lot as I have for years other than now adding 35 minutes to my ride and having to go through some prairie as far as traveling eastsider..
Yeah someone else in Madison posted today and I'm getting people who are claiming their employees and you absolutely can park there literally just asked 10 employees and they had two people in yellow vest at the North transfer point Friday at 4:06 p.m. and they are like I don't know what you're talking about it's absolutely closed..
I just want to park my vehicle in a parking ride official spot because when I get to Madison from the suburbs I know in the early mornings I will have a safe clean place to put my car....

This is my first work away, here in europe. I have two work aways planned and the second one I am very excited for. The host reaches out to me often and the work feels very close to my natural skill set so I am not worried about that one. But the second one doesn't begin until late June and I thought it might be interesting to work on a farm on the countryside for the first 3 weeks. I was very clear with the host that this would be a new experience for me and that I am willing to help but I have never done anything like this before and would need help. She was said this was no problem at all and that many people in my situation do the same thing with no problem.
When I got there I was greeted with one other work-awayer (There was supposed to be 2). The workawayer still there explained that after work his second day he packed his bags and walked the 2 hours into town and left. That was a bit concerning to hear but I didn't think to much about it. The workwayer went on to explain that the host is older and is very impatient and her husband doesn't speak any english. She explain that this was her 5th day and that on the 3rd day she had to tell the host to "fuck off" and told her that she was extremely rude and she didn't feel welcomed and would be leaving because clearly she wasn't wanted there. The host than took her for coffee and tried to be "nicer" to her. This convinced her to stay for the time being. When I arrived and the host still seemed very rude but the other work-awayer claimed that this was the nice side of her.
I am ending day 4 here and not especially enjoying my time here but also not hating it. The work is very hard for me because like I said I have never done anything like this and honestly 5 hours under the sun in the fields feels very intense. But the hardest part is that there is no clear instructions, the english speaking host every morning just starts yelling at us for not already being done or for not working hard enough. And if we are working we are doing it all wrong and need to start over. She goes to work until the evening and while she is gone it is very relaxing to just focus on the work. But honestly the being rude part is not the biggest issue it's just how hard the work is with no sense of direction and than receiving no approval over what I believe is a job well done.
That being said, this place is absolutely stunning beautiful and after work that last few days I try to just grab my book and sketching material and go on a hike alone overlooking the land and that has been incredible. And when work is not involved I do love talking to the host and learning about her exciting past and she likes me as well. I've expressed my concerns to her and asked if I could ether get better direction or tasks that I could better manage on my own. She said she's giving me the easiest tasks and I should be able to do them correctly. So I guess my question is, is this normal for a farm working type work away and does it just feel difficult just because I come from a very blessed life in America? I am deciding if I should stay here and finish the next 2 weeks or if I should just find a place that I would feel more comfortable.
The options I have explored are:
First, my second host has been very involved and said that I can come early if I decide to leave.(I know this is a great option but I don't want to be a burden on an already incredibly compationant women.
Second, find a new host for 2 weeks,
Also, My trusted house sitter has opening for the dates I would need. That being said I have never used this so I am not sure how likely this possibility would be)
And I can always Couchsurf, or just paying for a place for a week or so.
The main point of this is a rant but I also would like to hear the advice of experienced travelers that stuck it out and found meanings and those who decided that to leave.

Wednesday morning, I woke up with a slightly sore throat but I didn’t think anything of it. That night, I got fever like symptoms, chills but also sweating, and extreme restlessness. It was the worst night so far. Thursday morning, I was fine but I did have knee pain and slight sweating too. Today, Friday, I woke up so tired and still have not gotten out of bed. I have no appetite today and I also have one spot in my throat that burns if I cough but luckily, I’ve only coughed a few times the past few days. I’ve been drinking water, taking Tylenol, and EmergenC. The first night was horrible but since then, it’s been manageable. The tiredness, chills, and sweating have been the worst symptoms. Any tips?